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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand how people fund their lives and feel a bit jealous?

614 replies

Travelenthusiast · 28/04/2025 08:23

Just that really. Mid-30s and we have what I have always seen as a healthy income of £180k per annum (obviously been lower when we were younger and increased over time), and had some family help - about £50k to buy our first house several years ago.

And i’m not complaining about our quality of life- I know we are lucky and can afford a good holiday every year, and a more expensive/ luxury holiday occasionally. DS does a few extra-curricular activities, we don’t have to worry about the food shop total (we aren't extravagant at all) and can afford to eat out a few times a month etc. And I know we are lucky as I grew up in a poor family and understand the stress and implications.

But we have a very modest 3-bed house (with a big mortgage), our car is ten years old and there’s no way we could replace it, we can rarely afford to replace clothes and shoes for us (of course do for DS), days out are thought through to reduce cost, would make pack lunches to take into work and don’t buy shop coffees, we could not afford private school, and often we cut out the eating out to add to savings instead- basically £ is not abundant. And we are relatively careful financially and not big spenders generally. None of this is me saying our life is bad- I know we are really luckily, but just trying to give an idea of limitations / life.

We do live in SE commuter belt (not london) where everything is very expensive.

But we are surrounded by families who have so much more, so apparently effortlessly. We are genuinely one of the only local families without a 4x4 (i know cry me a river 🤣). How do others have it all and have the big house, the new car, endless holidays, SAHM often, the new clothes, meals out, lots of savings? Is it simply that they earn much more? I know we are lucky but I just don’t understand how so many can be so wealthy? Could most of our network really have a household income over £200k?!

OP posts:
MightyGoldBear · 28/04/2025 08:58

Maybe volunteer some time to help out with those less fortunate. One of my jobs is working with homeless people. I come back to my 3 bed semi and feel so so lucky. I have somewhere safe and that's mine.

Money certainly isn't going as far as it once did. Everything is much more expensive now. You're not unreasonable to observe the change but if you're considering a 15k holiday you're doing absolutely fine. Definitely change your social circle and outlook. You said you grew up poor so know you're lucky but then feel left out you don't have a 4x4. It doesn't add up op.

JeanBrodie64 · 28/04/2025 08:58

I can sort of work the sums on this. So say £10k a month take home pay
£4k mortgage
£2k childcare
£2k bills
£1k student loan

doesn’t leave much but still seems very wrong!

Whu · 28/04/2025 08:58

Wow. I’m late thirties and divorced so single income of £40k to pay the mortgage and all bills now. I prioritise experiences over possessions - have nice holidays - currently in Portugal with friends, eat out every couple of weeks at home, gym, spa days etc.
Love my life. Bought house with no assistance from family up north in an average area. Have a cheap run around car that gets me from a to b. So many people just over do things and have unreasonable expectations. Who needs a gas guzzling 4x4 unless you are a farmer? Just enjoy your life you are so privileged and can’t see it!

Screamingabdabz · 28/04/2025 08:59

I haven’t got a pot to piss in and can’t afford holidays so… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feelingstrange2 · 28/04/2025 08:59

Sounds like you are dreadful at budgeting.

Divert time from worrying about others to watching some you tube videos on working out where your income goes and assessing the importance and value of the choices you are making.

LilDeVille · 28/04/2025 09:00

Also OP this is genuinely a serious suggestion - move to somewhere where you’re not surrounded by v rich people if you don’t like to be? We live in the frowned upon area locally, which I love because it keeps the snobs out and it is absolutely lovely!

faerietales · 28/04/2025 09:00

Living off 180k a year must be horrendous. My heart bleeds for you.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 28/04/2025 09:00

£180k isn't a small amount.

Are you genuinely taking everything into account..as in...if any

Monthly subscriptions..
Amazon Prime/Netflix/Sky, any others.
High phone contract payments.

Ad hoc bits you buy along the way all add up.

Purchasing the latest phones/tablets, gadgets.... just because.

Sofiewoo · 28/04/2025 09:00

JeanBrodie64 · 28/04/2025 08:58

I can sort of work the sums on this. So say £10k a month take home pay
£4k mortgage
£2k childcare
£2k bills
£1k student loan

doesn’t leave much but still seems very wrong!

Oh come on what sort of “bills” total £2k exclusive of mortgage?
The OP spends 15k on a holiday, it’s objectively nonsense to say she doesn’t have much left over.

whatkatydid2014 · 28/04/2025 09:01

High housing costs and recent increases in cost of living generally are undoubtedly a driver for people feeling poorer than they’d expect on higher salaries. It is hard when a big pay rise is maybe just eaten up by various basic costs like mortgage, fuel & food rising but I just always think without the pay rise we’d be worse off so actually we are super fortunate to be in the position our quality of life is minimally impacted and that where it is then it’s all on nice to haves vs needs.

I find If I focus on what we have & feeling grateful for it vs what anyone else has & feeling envious then I’ll be much happier so I do that. We’ve just been on holiday for a week in the UK. We spent about 10% of your Maldives budget but had a fab time together exploring parks & museums, visiting some attractions, going to the theatre, eating out in small independent restaurants/cafes and getting a chance to chat with the kids. If you want a new car then you could easily do a couple of years of cheaper holidays and you’d be sorted. Someone else with the car and your earnings probably does that or their kids do less clubs or they have a smaller mortgage. Ultimately just enjoy that you have choices and don’t worry about what anyone else is doing 🤷🏼‍♀️

PickettWhiteFences · 28/04/2025 09:02

DH and I have a combined income just above the national average, and although we monitor our spending we are in no way unable to house and cloth our two children. In fact we still have enough money to a house and second hand car, go out for dinner / treat day every few weeks and take an annual UK holiday (probably could afford abroad but cba with young children).

RosesAndHellebores · 28/04/2025 09:03

Sofiewoo · 28/04/2025 09:00

Oh come on what sort of “bills” total £2k exclusive of mortgage?
The OP spends 15k on a holiday, it’s objectively nonsense to say she doesn’t have much left over.

Food, Utilities, Council Tax, Water rates, insurances, broadband, Sky - pretty sure ours adds up to £2k, if not more.

Shoppingtoday · 28/04/2025 09:04

Come on op. A £15k holiday and you’re pleading poverty? And jealous of friends?

I can honestly say I have never compared myself to anyone else financially and been jealous. I am a single parent who was made redundant and I still don’t find myself adding up what other people have got/haven’t got which is a lot more than me because most people I know are married with a family home and two incomes coming in. Everyone’s circumstances are different and that’s just life.

I am also not of the era where your parents helped you out with a large deposit to buy a home. I don’t know anyone who had that privilege or anyone who had a family who could afford to do that. Yes you are very lucky indeed.

CatrionaBalfour · 28/04/2025 09:04

You can't buy shoes? Ok.
Perhaps try the MN recommendation of taking in ironing.

HairyToity · 28/04/2025 09:05

We have a decent income but don't have the big lifestyle, money just doesn't go that far for us either. I've made peace with it, and try to enjoy the little things.

CatrionaBalfour · 28/04/2025 09:05

faerietales · 28/04/2025 09:00

Living off 180k a year must be horrendous. My heart bleeds for you.

I was wondering if she qualifies for top up benefits?

TeamMemberNumber8 · 28/04/2025 09:05

£180k and can't afford shoes? 😂 You fucked up somewhere along the line

CatrionaBalfour · 28/04/2025 09:06

WhySoManySocks · 28/04/2025 08:35

There’s a term for it now - monetary dysmorphia.

Love it!

Augustus40 · 28/04/2025 09:06

I have very little spare money it really gets me down. Summer coming and nothing to look forward to other than affording the optician and replacing the bathroom fan! Money goes nowhere.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 28/04/2025 09:07

I’m retired. My annual income (no mortgage) is little more than your budget for one holiday and I still think I have quite a nice life. I go away for a week three times a year and my budget for three week-long holidays is about £3000 altogether. So for a start, look for holidays you don’t have to spend £15K on.

Augustus40 · 28/04/2025 09:07

You know what they say. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Sofiewoo · 28/04/2025 09:09

RosesAndHellebores · 28/04/2025 09:03

Food, Utilities, Council Tax, Water rates, insurances, broadband, Sky - pretty sure ours adds up to £2k, if not more.

I mean if you’re choosing to spend 1200 a month on food, full sky package etc then you can’t really moan about not being able to afford a coffee… that seems obvious.
The running costs of a normal “modest” 3 bed home should be nowhere near a grand a month.

VanCleefArpels · 28/04/2025 09:10

You list various things in your OP that you could cut out/budget more carefully that would free up more of your substantial income - you must realise that?

jaytotbad · 28/04/2025 09:11

Are you gamblers or drinkers?

whitewineandsun · 28/04/2025 09:12

Start with cheaper holidays if you can't afford to replace clothes? Seems a no-brainer.