Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

[ArlJudey]

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc.

Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc.

AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure.
I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

Might be ok now, but what happens when the youngest is out of education. Bedroom tax comes into play, under occupancy might mean she needs to move. And shes on state benefits for her pension too. I wouldnt want it.

I sometimes feel like this as all I’ve known is financial struggles…HOWEVER..I’ve powered through (as a single mum since DC was a baby) and my now 19 year old has an excellent work ethic! She is studying and working 2 PT jobs, and if off to a top London uni in Sept….she knows if she wants something she’s got to work for it! Think of the example you are setting for your kids 😊

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It clearly states her partner left her and moved abroad. That isn't her fault. I assume they could afford the 4 children when they were together.

Like I said, I too became a lone parent of 3 out of the blue. Not my fault at all. I work full time now my children are older and I'm still entitled to a small amount of UC. I'm a nurse too so have a good job. You can't expect a mother of 4 with children under 6 to work full time. OP also stated once her children are older she has a good career she can return to. Honestly, give the poor woman a break.

I agree. Of all the places I might have expected single mothers to be berated (whilst totally ignoring the irresponsible behaviour of the absent father not paying CM), I wouldn't have guessed MumsNet! 😳 And regardless of the parents' behaviour, should the children be punished and made to live in poverty for a situation they didn't ask to be born into?

I appreciate that it’s tough to be a single mum and pay the bills. But this crab mentality won’t make things any easier for you.

Sorry but some people know how to play the system…popping out another kid when UC starts chasing them to get a job..exaggerating health conditions to exempt them from work. It’s disgusting but it happens 😫

Well it says the dad is now abroad and not paying maintenance I can’t see how she intentionally made 4 kids as a single parent, surely they’d need different dads if she was sleeping around to create different kids and leave herself single.

OP for all others on here will make out you are unreasonable…you’re not.
And you have just provided a brilliant example of why socialism does not work. It does not incentivise people to work and discourages those who do as they realise their efforts benefit others while doing nothing for their own advancement.
Hope your position improves rapidly but when your friends children hit sixteen it’s more likely she will be funded through some course and get a well paid job while you continue to struggle working full time and don’t have the time, resources or energy to train further.
Signed… a lifetime advocate of paying her own way and providing for her own x

Nothing to be jealous about, she doesn't own that house and is set for a poor pension/life on benefits.

Can you not be happy that she is trying and life is hard enough without frenemies.

As for the holiday, she is probably sacrificing other things to have that holiday, we all have our own priorities.

The Mum of four does work.

Exactly. My eldest is on a high rate of disability payments but there's a very good reason for this. He said he would rather he didn't have his disability but it's how things are. Definitely nothing to be jealous of.

No I get it. A few years ago I worked shifts full time and the single mum in the flat below me had an equal life on benefits not working. Something is very wrong.

and if you had full pure capitalism, half of the population would not be equipped for being part of society

so it goes both ways

The council house will be the main reason she's better off. Someone will no doubt be along to insist they live in a council house and have high rent as always happens online 🙄but in the real world all my friends in council houses pay less than half the rent regular renter's pay. Sometimes their rent is straight up a third or even a quarter of what it would be if the same house was on rightmove

Trust me regular renter's on benefits are not living a life of luxury

Entirely, entirely different. The woman is ops post choose to have four children. The option to NOT have four children was literally freely available to her. I do not think many people choose a disability and if they had the ability to choose not to have it? As you say, they absolutely would.

@ArlJudey And when she reaches “ retirement” age and only has a basic state pension to live on, you will be the one flaunting your superior lifestyle because you will have your state pension, your private pension, the equity you released when you downsized, the security of your investments and the knowledge that your childrens financial future will be secure because you have made sure that they got a good education and learned the value of understanding personal finances at a young age.

and corporations with their fancy accountants too ?

Pathetic.....many of us want a job but don't fit the diversity quota description.....! You make it sound like it's a lifestyle choice 🙄

I aspire to be this aspirational…

I feel the same towards my brother to be honest. He's a truly awful person who has made some disgusting life choices yet he has a nice secure flat, is by no means rich but doesn't have to worry too much about money and hasn't worked a day in his life. Realistically though he is at the mercy of the state- they could cut benefits at any time, he can't just up and move, he adds nothing of value to society which must be soul destroying. Before people moan about me suggesting everyone is like this, no of course they aren't, but I am replying to OP with a specific example.

Would you really want to swap though - four kids and no vehicle, that doesn't sound like getting anywhere is easy or convenient!

No debt is lovely, I also have no debt - I got 'lucky' in that I inherited enough to buy a house (not a NICE house mind you... not that lucky) - so I have no mortgage.

What decisions did you make that led to you having debt you need to pay off... would you do differently in hindsight?

Wasting time being jealous of what someone else has won't improve your life.

I had twins.

I am not envious in any way shape or form of someone who has four kids with twins in the mix.

she must be a saint.

i said no more!

Not another of these threads. If she has such a brilliant life, quit your job and sign on and your life (according to your logic anyway) can be just like hers. Presumably. 🙄

Are people not reading OP’s posts? She has a degree and works in her industry. When the kids are at school she’ll work more hours.

The kids’ father left and doesn’t contribute.

Could someone who takes issue with this actually suggest what this woman is meant to do in these circumstances? It wouldn’t actually be possible for her to work many more hours would it?