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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

513 replies

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 18:20

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc.

Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc.

AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure.
I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 27/04/2025 19:38

You are not unreasonable at all but you’ll get your arse handed to you on MN by all the people who believe that every single benefit claimant is honest as the day is long and deserving of every penny. Try to concentrate on the positive things about your own situation - comparison is the thief of joy. People also only tend to share their wins and there might be a lot of negative parts to her life that you don’t see such as 4 kids growing up without their father.

Flytrap01 · 27/04/2025 19:38

Keirawr · 27/04/2025 19:37

The incentives don’t grow on trees. They are paid for by people whom often don’t have the luxury of having 4 kids. Or put off having any kids until they are in their 40s. Perhaps those who are so very in favour of funding other people’s life choices could make extra contribution to mount their money where their mouths are.

Yeah, thought not.

Its a simply question of fairness and sustainability or the system. Neither of which can be said for the benefits system in this country.

Show quote history

but whats fair about companies paying crap wages, maybe the prices should rise so that workers can be paid proper wages

LivingDeadGirlUK · 27/04/2025 19:41

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/04/2025 18:37

Anyone resenting those on benefits needs to take a long hard look at themselves and their lives. Because that shit isn't normal.Hmm

and thinking having 4 kids is an easy life, how would you even be able to work full time with 4 kids.

JLou08 · 27/04/2025 19:41

You're not a good friend.
I wouldn't expect a single mother of 4 young children to work any more that 16 hours, I'm more than happy for my tax to go towards that. Their father should be paying but the mother and children shouldn't lose out for his faults.
If she has it so easy why don't you go ahead and cut your hours too? Why waste your time being miserable and resentful instead of appreciating and enjoying your life with your children.

Keirawr · 27/04/2025 19:41

Flytrap01 · 27/04/2025 19:38

but whats fair about companies paying crap wages, maybe the prices should rise so that workers can be paid proper wages

Show quote history

Companies pay crap wages because they can. Because crap wages are subsidized by tax credits and universal credit. If the benefits stopped, companies would have to pay the going rate for labour. It’s simply supply and demand.

StarTwirl · 27/04/2025 19:42

She getting through an impossibly difficult time

leave her alone OP. A real friend wouldn’t judge her like you do.

Crazyworldmum · 27/04/2025 19:42

It seems to me she knows how to use her money better than you maybe ? You resent someone because she has no support is bringing up 4 kids alone , works part time on top and has a holiday a year ? What’s wrong with you ?

Flytrap01 · 27/04/2025 19:44

Keirawr · 27/04/2025 18:58

The government needs to cut benefits
far deeper and harder this than they have. The whole thing has become a parody. No wonder the public is becoming so disenfranchised with paying for it. It’s not a safety net. It’s a lifestyle choice to have kids you cannot afford. How many people, even as a couple, can afford 4 kids with out taxpayer funding. The vast majority cannot,

Yet some people are making that choice because they know that someone else will pick up the tab.

then how about we start with all the workers working but that get a uc top up because the companys pay crap wages, ?

AngelicKaty · 27/04/2025 19:44

FedupofArsenalgame · 27/04/2025 18:55

Thought u could only get universal credit for 2 kids

Generally, you're correct due to the UC two-child benefit cap. However, there's an exception for "multiple births" and as OP's friend's second pregnancy resulted in twins, she would receive the child element of UC for three children, rather than the usual two.

Neetra30 · 27/04/2025 19:44

neopombear · 27/04/2025 19:33

The birth rate is declining. It won’t be long before they’re offering financial incentives to have more children.

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Yeah I dont think so, not with immigration rates being so high and our friends arriving on boats on a daily basis and bringing their wives and kids over...

Neetra30 · 27/04/2025 19:47

JLou08 · 27/04/2025 19:41

You're not a good friend.
I wouldn't expect a single mother of 4 young children to work any more that 16 hours, I'm more than happy for my tax to go towards that. Their father should be paying but the mother and children shouldn't lose out for his faults.
If she has it so easy why don't you go ahead and cut your hours too? Why waste your time being miserable and resentful instead of appreciating and enjoying your life with your children.

Think we need more context before sympathizing to be fair.
For example, did she intentionally bring 4 kids into the world even though she was a single mum beforehand? Or was she in a committed relationship, had 4 kids and then her ex partner disappeared?

Mumlaplomb · 27/04/2025 19:48

OP she’s working and has four kids to look after. She’s not just sat on her arse planning her holidays. She’s probably exhausted. I am with two!

whitewineandsun · 27/04/2025 19:49

Not a chance in hell I'd envy a single mother of four with no help. Rather her than me.

ClaudiusTheGod · 27/04/2025 19:50

Morningup · 27/04/2025 18:52

4 children (and I’d be surprised if not at least one ND)
on her own
working 15 hours in no doubt an unskilled minimum wage job
3 bed council house for - 5 bed family

if you’re jealous of this… then I feel sorry for you op

Why is one ND?

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 27/04/2025 19:51

YANBU, I can understand your frustration

AngelicKaty · 27/04/2025 19:51

BernardButlersBra · 27/04/2025 19:08

@Stressfordays no one made her have 4 children though. There's a thing called contraception.

The gravy train won't last forever. Isn't there a 2 children benefits cap in Scotland, like there is in England?

Yes, but multiple births are exempt so her friend will receive UC for her first-born and the twins, but not for her fourth child.

CleverLemonLurker · 27/04/2025 19:52

Have you actually calculated how much money she gets

VicksJunkie · 27/04/2025 19:52

ChickenBananas · 27/04/2025 18:22

Quit and sign on then?

This. Report back to us so we too can envy your easy lifestyle.

Dymaxion · 27/04/2025 19:52

her youngest is 2, eldest 6 (twins in between)

And she is on her own with them , how old was the youngest when the Father left them all ?

NeedToChangeName · 27/04/2025 19:53

Allthetimeintheworld25 · 27/04/2025 18:37

MN seems to want to deny this happens, but it does, quite often. People know how to play the system. But, what do they actually have at the end of it? The children are grown and gone, those benefit stop and then what?

Claiming what you're legally entitled to isn't playing the system

But I agree that, in future, OP will almost certainly be better off financially from working

Teacupover5 · 27/04/2025 19:54

”Luck out on benefits “-That makes me so angry .
I just got a £1200 a month pay rise and will get £500 to keep for lots of time away from my family guess I didn’t luck out

CleverLemonLurker · 27/04/2025 19:55

Teacupover5 · 27/04/2025 19:54

”Luck out on benefits “-That makes me so angry .
I just got a £1200 a month pay rise and will get £500 to keep for lots of time away from my family guess I didn’t luck out

Pay rise or new job?

thatsalad · 27/04/2025 19:56

If it looks so appealing, quit your job and start living like her? Especially make sure you become a single mother of 4, because that part sounds great...

QueefQueen80s · 27/04/2025 19:56

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/04/2025 19:03

This @ArlJudey.

Your friend's partner has not long left her, a single mother of 4 children and you're feeling resentment towards her? Give your head a wobble.

Show quote history

This
can’t imagine bringing 2 kids up alone, let alone 4. And working. Give her a break

Mumnotbruh · 27/04/2025 19:56

She has 4 young children, works part time and has no support from the father. Your 'friend' is exactly the type of person UC should be supporting unyil she is working FT again, presumably once her children are older.

I am in a similar situation. I work in a well respected profession 3 days a week but am a single parent with no support from the father so get a small amount (£200 a month). I too have holidays abroad but I budget exceptionally well- no credit cards, no car finance, clothes from Vinted, batch cook, no Sky TV, no coffees/meals out, no nails/brows etc. Living like that means I can afford holidays. Maybe your 'friend' is the same.