Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

[ArlJudey]

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc.

Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc.

AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure.
I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

I wouldn’t have kids if I couldn’t afford to house them. That’s rock-bottom basic decency.

Don't get drawn in to this bad faith bullshit. Seriously.

And I suppose your circumstances could never possibly change either

When I lived on benefits I managed to stretch my money much better than some of my friends who were always borrowing money to get to the end of the week. I think you should end this friendship and stick with people you are glad to see doing well

That's what contingency planning is for. Substantial savings, income protection insurance, a backup income stream, life insurance on both parents, living below one's means,limiting family size, etc.

Divorce, disability, death, illness, job loss, economic recession, cost of living increases, etc are not uncommon; most people's lifetimes include some combination of the above. Failing to prepare for adverse scenarios is foolish. Especially if offspring are involved.

Yet all that planning and being so responsible doesn't seem to have made you happy.🫤 Instead your posts communicate bitterness, anger, resentment and illogical judgement of other people's lives.

Good for you for making all the "right" decisions. It's clearly paid off, but I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for you.

Wow. But not everyone has a super high paying job no matter how hard they work to get substantial savings, expensive ( if not impossible) income protection insurance etc. And if you " limit " your family to 2 kids how do you guarantee baby 2 isn't twins or even triplets. And what if one of the kids is badly disabled and you can't work as is seems childcare is very near impossible for severely disabled children.

A joint income of 50k is perfectly possible to bring up a couple of kids ( and very normal)

All the stuff you stated is looking at things from a very privileged position. But the majority of people can't afford all this stuff as well as living.

Maybe my relative should've aborted her baby when her husband was diagnosed with cancer so she didn't need time off for maternity. Would that be your solution?

She's a good mum. That's what she is and she's doing her best for her kids by the sounds of it.

Money can do a lot of things for you, but it can't make you a nice person. Quite the opposite, it seems.*

I think being insulated from the common herd makes it easier to see yourself as a kind of superior species to the rest of humanity. Having to muck in and rub shoulders with the rest of us means you're going to hear more stories, understand that things aren't so black and white, develop some empathy.

*Not all rich people, of course just most of them Plenty of humble philanthropists out there, although I guess they wouldn't be on this thread calling a woman whose husband left her with 4 kids under 7 and shock horror only works 15 hours a week a feckless leech who can't stop popping out babies.

I've actually just given up work to look after DS until I can get him into nursery, (waiting lists round here are horrendous) and I am shit scared they're going to sanction me. Single mum on UC in a HA flat, not what I wanted for myself or DS, but his father is being a dick. (I posted about being on my own at Christmas in 2023, when I was pregnant, and how lonely I felt, he did pop back into my life to be at the birth, saw us a few times, then fucked off again for months, and is now threatening to off himself because I got CMS involved.) I'd rather be working and I'm really sad about leaving my job, but I can't make the logistics work. Financially there's ways around it, because if you're on UC they'll help you with childcare costs.
Oh, and I worked in retail, so not especially well paid. If we're going to get into the whole thing of only being able to have kids if you can afford X, Y and/or Z, then having children is going to become the preserve of the wealthy and our birth rate is going to nosedive. So who's going to be looking after all the rich people when they get old?

You’re not her friend so don’t pretend to be and end the ‘friendship’ ASAP.

Not the preserve of the wealthy, but the preserve of people at any socioeconomic level who plan, save, delay gratification and show some decent level of prudence in not mating with useless assholes.

If someone really wants to be a parent, they have 12 years between school and age 30 to properly set themselves up for parenthood. Job, education , partner, savings. If they can’t demonstrate moderate competence and upward mobility in TWELVE years, why would we want them producing offspring?

You are such a bloody delight aren't you. ? So only the " upwardly mobile" should have kids now then? How does in work in my relative s case then? She's 33. So had some savings etc Been married for 9 years. Works full time.when not on maternity leave. Husband was freelance but difficult to keep contracts when I'll from cancer treatment. But there is a thing called paying to live. And lately it's become more expensive

I noticed that you didn't answer the question on whether my relative should've had an abortion so we wouldn't need maternity leave and no be earning while husband was ill

Who put you in charge of the time it takes to set yourself up in life? What if people follow a different timeline?

How are people supposed to know how a relationship might pan out 10, 15 or 20 years down the line?

define what you consider to be ‘delayed gratification’ and explain why your definition matters above all others

how much is enough when it comes to savings? 6 months living costs or 6 years? What happens if you need to spend it due to ill health. Do you put your child in care whilst you build your savings back up?

Define ‘upward mobility’. Why do you consider a ‘good parent’ must strive ‘upwards’?

I'm 36, didn't fancy waiting much longer to have a child, and my pregnancy was high risk enough as it was at 35 when I had DS (I had pre eclampsia.) If I'd have waited much longer I might not have been able to have a child at all as women's fertility declines rapidly after 35. Is that delaying gratification enough for you? 🙄

I also spent 12 years (met him at 18, left him at 30) with an absolute joke of a man. I married him after we'd been together for eight years and then realised there was no way on earth I was going to have children with him.

Same, I pity this woman! Single mother to 4, FOUR young children. Sounds like utter hell to me.

Like I said, prudence in selecting a mate is crucial.

I have repeatedly stated that victims of involuntary misfortune like illness deserve society’s assistance. Keep up.

I hope your crystal ball works for you.

How long have you been in your relationship?

They’re in the process of taking healthcare and food away from poor people here in the US who are already struggling.
Why? Because billionaires need another tax break, of course.
Housing here sucks at the best of times.
I’m guessing you’d like your friend to be in that position.
Frenemy?

Yeah it’s easy to be a ‘good mum’ when other people are paying for it.

That is what society is for - to provide a safety net to it’s members, in time of need!

I can’t imagine who in our society would leave 4 children to starve, because they’ve been abandoned by their father?

Well hopefully there's not a time you need to use the system

Hmm that's not what you are portraying . You stated people should plan for such events,