To stop my son visiting his gfs parents property - serious concerns!

[Lifeof6]

Long and wild one.
Just don't know what to do.

For context we are married with 4 children, this subject is about our (just) 17 year old son.

My son has been in a relationship for 12 months with a girl who is 16. (He was 16 when they met, her 15.) From the beginning I felt there was an odd relationship with the mother being involved. For example when her daughter was 15 I would be hounded with messages from the mother to let my son stay, despite me saying it's inappropriate. Every other day I'd get messages from the mum with excuses why he needs to go to their house. Many times my son asked me to cover for him reasons for him not to go.

Recently my son collapsed and had a fit in street I was there and his gf. It is the first time anything like this has happened. Fast forward to a&e and I noticed the gf had phoned the mother and she arrived at the hospital.

I observed strange behavior - the mum n gf constantly taking him outside, whispering in his ear in a&e and when I became suspicious something is going on I tried to speak to my son but they came in closer. My husband tried to take him outside to talk and they both followed him!

Then the mother suggested I just get him seen by GP I said no he had a severe medical episode and it's not appropriate. Again she suggested it and I said no.

She proceeded to take him outside and said he's going to her house! I went after them pleading he needs medical attention, shouting for help and my husband got a police officer that was luckily there.

Officer thankfully said no he can't just abscond and he is a minor. After lots of talking they went away.

My sons results were abnormal and requires further tests and treatment.

I rang social services, I am in fear he is subject to emotional control/ cohesive behavior. I messaged the mother and stated that my son is not to go to her property.

She (the mum) messaged half of the family she found on social media, said how is he, tell him we will see him later, when is he coming over etc (my sons phone was broken at the time)

Later that day police attended to say there was a report from a third party that he is abused etc by me. my son quickly cleared it up and said it's just them causing trouble.

My son left some belongings at a friend's so we went to collect them, we were told by his friends parents that the gf and her mum have taken his stuff, the gf mum told them the police are getting my son and bringing them to her care!

I phoned my son's collage about his absence and was informed someone claimed to be me to ask if he was in college.

I am losing my mind. I mean what on earth! I phoned the police for help. At the moment I don't know what to do!

We are trying to talk to our son and give it a gentle approach.

I'm scared, having panic attacks and I have had to go of work (I'm a nurse) to deal with all this.
How bizzare is it tho? They don't even know us.
How can you report such evil things, especially them knowing I have a little boy at home!

This is a short version, I can't make sense of it

The police couldn't really do anything, social services I am ringing back tomorrow and I've flagged a serious safeguarding concern with his college.

My son said he won't go back to that house and agreed. But I don't know what I can do, he is 17.

@AliceMcK

Thread 1:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4116061-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-and-her-mum#102951823

Thread 2:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4223467-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-2

Thread 3: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4245195-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-part-3

I’m pretty sure the son did get away from the crazy gf in the end.
I remembered it as they were in Australia and it sounded a lot like the plot of The Loved Ones (cult Aussie horror film)

Yes this seems to fit.

@CharlotteLightandDark they broke up for a while, but he was hooked back in. Sounds like his MH is utterly shattered and GF is abusive.

I read those 3 threads yesterday and Australian one when it was happening. I thought the poster I was responding to said the mum had come back under a different username to day the son had broken up with the “girlfriend” and doing better on the uk one.

I found this one. Looks like it’s all good. Her name is workworkworkugh
www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4977841-mumsnet-threads-you-cant-stop-thinking-about?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

@Hadenough1234567 'talking to' someone in youngsters parlance means they are sort of going out but not official (I think) so I would be a bit concerned with this contact.

Thank you! I was trying to understand what she was talking about.

Oh right! Ah I hope so if that’s the case!

My goodness, that's some very strange shit! Are they giving him drugs, that's why they didn't want the test? If he's not really into his gf I would cut all ties. Xx

Any chance she's pregnant?

Wouldn't meet the threshold for mal comms at all.

I also wonder if they have been plying him with drugs and now saying that he “owes them” money so he panicked and scared to tell you.

I am not one to jump to ridiculous conclusions but this one is sticking out to me as really odd. Like something I would see on a crime drama, and think "How can this be happening?"

I think there is as lot more to this story that you dont know yet,OP. I would explicitly tell my son that there is nothing that comes out that he did or participated in that we cant work through together. He may have been drugged and unwittingly coerced into some things that he may not even be consciously aware of yet. He may be afraid to find out what he doesnt know, and/or aware of what happened but afraid of extortion or retribution.. Nothing about how her family acted is even remotely normal behavior.
I am so glad that he is home and at least somewhat open to sharing this all with you. I think the truth will come out in time.

OP, this is a disturbing situation and I’m glad your DS has proactive parents to help right now.

It really sounds like your DS is overwhelmed and shutting down. That’s not going to help things, so I would keep working things on the police side but also really make a concerted effort to help your DS de-pressurize. Call off all of the extended family - no more talks and pressure and from your DS’s perspective there need to be no family updates. Tell your DS that counseling and other support is available when he’s ready but then table that subject. Declare a break from this topic for a day at least and do something enjoyable, like takeout from a place DS loves (or go out if he’s up for it) or a favorite home-cooked meal. Tell DS that after the break you’re going to limit how much you bring the topic up and give him some space on it; say you’ll give him needed updates/ask only truly necessary questions and will check in briefly once a day, but otherwise let him come to you or DH or his brother. Home and his family need to feel like a sanctuary from the crazy right now both so that he can come out of protective turtle mode and also so he can put the gf’s crazy in perspective.

Get a solicitor to write a strongly worded letter, a 'cease and desist'.

Firstly, I am so very sorry for this dreadful thing you're going through. And well done to you for reacting quick and protecting your son. I really hope you're getting all the support now, and there can be some solid safeguarding/orders put in place to keep them away from him.

In terms of this behaviour, weirdly it is quite common, another mother wanting to appropriate/be a better mother to someone's teenage child in particular. Teenage because teens can be groomed and converted, the would-be 'surrogate' mother can draw out any upset they have at home, or wishes they have that parents might have vetoed (tattoos, piercings, sex, smoking/vaping, drugs even, alcohol, etc.) and she can be the 'cool' approachable understanding one. Teenagers, especially 15+, have a lot of autonomy in general, and, as you've seen, he's been at their house a lot because of the gf. The mother begging/insisting he come round is a sign, she would probably rather have just got him to come whether you liked it or not, but clearly he's consistently said about it being up to you, so as the gatekeeper she's had to go direct to you.

It's a sliding scale. Some of these mothers will just have them round when they can and try to be their best friend, text them without your knowledge, etc, but others (the total nutters) will literally try to steal your kid. They love the whole ringing up social services/getting authorities on their side/against you and then (deluded completely) thinking if they can only undermine you and take you out, then somehow the kid will automatically be given to them (despite other family, etc) (haha I'm laughing but really they are dangerous lunatics imo).

The absolute loons often have some history themselves. For example, maybe they only have one child. Maybe they have a girl and always wanted a boy, or vice versa. Maybe their kid is difficult but yours is a dream (and therefore v easy for them and it makes them think they are being amazing and are good for your kid - totally failing to realise your kid is so nice because brought up by you!! haha). Maybe they have had children taken away from them by an ex and/or social services. Maybe they have lost a child in some other way.

Or maybe they are just mad cows.

Either way, what you're experiencing is a big horrible example of the worse end of this spectrum, and I'm really very sorry. I have to say too that I agree with your DH. The mother has somehow become possessive over him because he's having sex with her daughter. She could, yes, also harbour some kind of desires for him. She's defo earmarked him as 'theirs'. Awful. Poor lad.

So, as for his ill health. It is so very possible that his symptoms are some kind of reaction to whatever's been going on there. I'd say at the very least she's been badmouthing you and saying he should move to theirs, which is enough in itself to disorientate a vulnerable 16/17 year old. I say 'vulnerable' because he got into a kind of vortex where he was often going round, and he was on his own there with them, and whatever was going on, he wasn't telling you about it. Probably bonded to the gf and wanting to be with her/addicted to the sex (sorry, just saying it how I think it is). It's clearly been a super toxic environment round there. And this whole lark may have been planned over time by the mad mother. I hate to suggest this, but she could even have been deliberately poisoning or doing something to him to lead to a crisis, get him, then he would miraculously recover in her care. The fact that now he's going there, he seems fine, is of interest. It would be good to see if over the next few weeks he still shows those symptoms, or they disappear. Then it could well be they were linked to going round there.

It is all dreadful. Make sure he doesn't get sucked back in. Good luck.

@Lifeof6Omg! What was the second incident?

Hope police take this seriously now.

OP - Wishing you and your family all the best. You sound like a really good mum. Take care and I hope that everything works out for you. xxx

I can't imagine the worry.

Can you find a private therapist/counsellor who deals with young adults that have been groomed? It sounds like he's been brainwashed by these people for whatever reason, and that won't be reversed without specialist help.

yes this is such a good idea. You should be asking for specialist abuse/etc. support and finding out what's been going on there :(

I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with this OP. It’s a tough situation to be in. My only advice would be to not push your DS too much into making a decision on the GF as it could push him further away especially if he’s feeling pressure from both sides, you want to be his calm and that will help him to come back to you in the long run.

I am the mum from the Australian thread about my DS (name changed obviously).
I don’t want to pop my head up everytime that thread is mentioned because we have moved on and at the time one of my threads was deleted as some people thought I was a troll as it seemed unbelievable (which I understand people can be wary).

But for the posters speculating and asking, my DS split from the ex GF and has been with his new GF now for about 18months. She’s lovely and he’s very happy.

I think some posters were confusing my thread with PurpleLampShades one which I haven’t seen an outcome of her situation yet unfortunately.

The accusation of abuse is serious, I would not let that slide tbh and get some legal advice to address this and also take out a restraining/no contact/whatever UK similar order is. Accusations like that can destroy your lives and if the police are not going to do their job and go and talk to her about her behaviour then I would definitely discuss the situation with a lawyer.

This is such a brilliant post. The more batshit, if very covertly manipulative, don’t even need to get the authorities involved. Especially if they get the whole family on board. They can pick up on the young person’s vulnerabilities and amplify them, get them to think and act in certain ways and change their beliefs. They will tell the young person that they are family, moreover that you can choose your family. They will do a number of things / rituals that makes the teen think they’re part of the family. Whole family days out to visit family and family celebrations will ‘naturally’ include them. This, all whilst subtly denigrating and undermining the parents.

The behaviour takes a long time to be noticed by the parents. Eventually it seeps out. But by this time, it’s so late in the day that fighting back feels impossible because this is extrication from a hostage situation and the young person is likely to suffer from a type of Stockholm syndrome if instantly removed. And attempts at instant extrication can be too dangerous because it will throw the young person directly towards the family. As the family hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’, the authorities may not even intervene. And sometimes the families are too dangerous to attempt direct extrication for fear of serious reprisal. So extrication will be done slowly, wisely and without causing suspicion.

I, for one, am always happy to hear about you and your ds. And I from the amount of times your situation comes up, I think I’m not the only one. And am so glad he is happy with his current girlfriend @Thisisntme1 😊