Did I ruin family day out

[Prinajdjd]

DH, dc and I had just enjoyed a lovely meal and talking about future plans. We were on great terms and had a wonderful day. When we was driving home, we decided we didn’t want the day to end and would find something else to do. As we were driving DH asked for a tissue for his hands. I was distracted talking to dd and placed a handful of them gently on his knee. They fell down by his foot. He suddenly got angry saying “why would I do that? I should’ve placed them in his hand.” I apologised and said it wasn’t a big deal. He then picked them up, crumbled them together and when I looked in his direction threw them in my face hitting my eye. Even if it was meant playful (which it wasn’t due to the sheer amount of force and his tone prior to this), it really hurt my eye and I was upset about it. Dd even saw and demanded for daddy to apologise to mommy. I said instead I wanted to go home and he blamed me for ruining the day over something minor. It rubbed me wrong as he shouldn’t have thrown it at me at all, definitely not in front of kids and he shouldn’t have done it so hard. He keeps coming in the room and asking is this how I’m going to act- I say no I am no longer upset about this and if he apologises we can continue the day. He has stormed out now and refuses to help with dc. So confused and don’t see how this is my fault.

@Prinajdjd

What was the context of his assurance that he would never hit you?

How scared were you, and what was his behaviour like that time?

👏👏👏. At last. Some common sense.

I’m assuming - hoping actually - that ‘I would never hit you’ was in response to something OP said to him. If not, I would find it very concerning that he would even think to say this unprompted. Why say it if it’s never crossed your mind ?

I think you know exactly what I meant. Your reaction to a poster telling you that their point of view is as a result of their own lived experience of domestic violence makes me ashamed to be female.

FFS, it wasn't a mug of hot coffee or a can of beans that could roll under the bloody pedals.

All he had to do was leave the tissues where they fell, ask for another one, and retain his calm driving demeanour. But instead of that, he chose to retreive the tissues, ball them up, shout at his passenger, and throw them at her, presumably all while driving with one hand on the wheel, no hand available for the gearshift, and only half an eye on the traffic.

And there are people here, presumably women, bleating about the poor man..

Would any of you, in all honesty, ever behave like this man did behind the wheel??
Think about it.

Both points are spot on!

Throw the whole trash husband away.

What a nice community Mumsnet is.

When a woman, who has experienced her husband being angry, argumentative and abusive towards her she comes online for support- a forum for mothers.

Yet she is picked apart, laughed at and patronised all because she placed a couple of tissues on her husbands knee.

Jesus wept.

OP, you are not being unreasonable, your husband sounds as if he has a very short fuse. Maybe he needs anger management therapy, and him saying he would never hit you, doesn't really cut it. His outbursts must be scary for you and your child, sudden violent actions, even if they only involve chucking a tissue in your face, are not nice to put up with.

Nope. Not colouring it at all. I just recognise the red flags. Most posters are choosing to ignore the significant anger control issues OP has related, and the fact that those anger issues are enough to make her afraid of him. And posters who have not experienced it for themselves are unlikely to recognise that this is how it starts.

In the aftermath I volunteered at a womens refuge and I can’t even begin to tell you how many people l came across who were in similar situations to myself, and similarly OP. It’s a depressing pattern of an argumentative spouse who has trouble controlling their anger. Nitpicks issues out of nothing and starts with little digs and pokes here and there, which escalate into arguments and throwing things, which indicate an inability to control anger or frustration.

Next thing you know he considers it fine to throw something at you when you say or do something he doesn’t like, or administer an open handed slap when he considers you ‘deserve it’. It could be the food is not to his liking, or the house isn’t tidy enough. And from there it’s being treated like a punchbag whenever he feels he has reason - and each and every time he’s beaten you, collapsing in tears and promising it’ll never happen again. Like he’s the victim.

Skin in the game doesn’t even begin to cover it. So forgive me if posters who have no idea what some women have to live with choose to post laughing emojis and poke fun. MN makes me ashamed to be female sometimes.

Is this normally how your family days out go? Your poor kids! You sound like hard work and he sounds like he’s got a short fuse which I’d worry could escalate. Have either of you ever had counselling around communication styles? It might help. Your DD trying to get Dad to apologise to Mum is telling - is she often witness to or involved in your altercations? I feel sorry for her as she witnessed this nonsense and had her day ruined!

He’s being a dick. You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s overreacted aggressively, just the act of throwing something (anything) in your face is unacceptable.

There’s something more to why he behaved like this. He’s got issues and hopefully he’ll apologise and explain what his problem is.

X

Is the significance of the child trying to get dad to apologise to mum lost on you ? Why do you consider OP hard work exactly ? And as I’ve said a few times on this fucking depressing thread. It beggars belief how low the bar is set for some women when it comes to the acceptability or otherwise of mens’ behaviour towards them.

Why do you think the OP would need counselling for communication styles?

Also, what gives you the impression that the OP is hard work? I’m genuinely curious.

Usually, you blink before something touches your cornea, as the purpose of the blink reflex is to protect the cornea, not to wait till it's touched.
(I can't believe people who put "like" at the beginning of a sentence, but we'll let it go this time, as you're overexcited).

😂I would be in the jail by now

Can I ask you a question ? Tissue or any other projectile aside, do you really think that DH’s response to OP was reasonable and proportionate. And given that she’s indicated that she’s actually frightened of his temper, do you think it’s reasonable to make light of it ?

As kids we spent alot of time trying to appease angry parent or hiding from angry parent because sure as shit it was definitely not angry parents fault they were angry.

Non angry parent did nothing really to protect us from seeing/hearing/being on the receiving end of angry parent and it has had a lasting effect on all of us.

I hope it works out for your children 🙏

His loss of temper isn’t about a tissue, there’s something else…is he stressed about another part of his life?

You’re really one of the nastiest posters I’ve had the displeasure of reading on here.

What a pathetic individual you are. I’m embarrassed for you.

The child trying to get an apology is the saddest thing about this situation. But it could be caused by several things, for example:

Dad habitually loses the plot, is violent and aggressive, and DD knows this is wrong and wants him to stop.
Mum and Dad have regular arguments where Mum then involves and weaponises the kids “oh look DD isn’t Daddy being mean, shouldn’t he apologise?”
DD has heard Mum asking for an apology in the car and is simply mirroring what she is hearing.

No one on Mumsnet knows if the husband is aggressive and intended to hurt and intimidate or if he simply threw tissues aside while looking at the road which accidentally hit the OP who is now being dramatic. We weren’t there. If he’s aggressive and violent as standard then she should leave him, obviously! If it’s a stupid drama about tissues they should apologise to the DC and everyone should move on. The important thing for me is that no child should be subject to this!