Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

[BM1987]

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

Don’t you think looking in that your behaviour doesn’t add up too ?
When in reality she is in the same situation as you .
Her dp is a pig too . He has normalised it this is why she hasn’t done anything about it .
Your gut tells you both it’s wrong but the behaviour from others makes you question reality .

my ex’s new gf didn’t believe me until he beat the shit out of her. If this woman is lying she is very sick in the head. If you ask him, he will spin the fact she’s a jilted ex or crazy or something. Your best shot is Clare’s law, if nothing comes up then that just means he’s not been reported. Honestly, if you didn’t have kids I’d just say cut your losses, but the fact you have kids means you’re a bit stuck. I think you should talk to someone you know and trust in real life, maybe one of your close friends who knows him as well but is YOUR friend. Sometimes our friends see things we miss and don’t want to tell us.

I agree

They must have been a very strange group of friends for this to apparently have been almost common knowledge yet not to have fragmented their circle. How can the woman's partner be friends with your partner, knowing this? Why is she staying with such a man? And yes, I'd want to know more about the circumstances of the assault. Where were they when this happened? Were they (the woman and your partner) in some type of relationship at the time and her current partner is somehow dismissing the assault as a misunderstanding, or did your partner just force himself on her out of the blue?

I'd want to know more, but ultimately none of these details matter much if you believe her and feel your own experiences with him back it up. I don't think rapists are likely to change much. I'd feel disgusted by the knowledge of what he was capable of doing, and I'd worry about my future safety with him. I'd also be worried about his possible negative influence on my children, but unfortunately, unless you can prove he's dangerous, he'll still be in their lives if he wants to be.

You have your answer right there. He thinks he’s entitled to rape a woman.

Go ahead with Clare’s Law disclosure and maybe speak to Women’sAid or Rape Crisis. You are a rape victim too and need help with an exit plan that’ll keep you and you dc safe. Look after yourself.

So sorry OP. This is so hard for you. No advice further to what’s already been said but sending you strength.

@BM1987 why are you questioning the motives and behaviour of these women - the why are they still friends etc - it’s not that simple - you stayed with your rapist. You got back into a relationship with him. You played down his own rape of you. You had more children with him. You shovelled it all deep under the carpet. And yet you are confused that other women may be questioning themselves and haven’t brought it up before today.

I’ve told my partner before that I’ve had to had sex with an ex in an old relationship against my will at the time. I avoided the word rape as it felt too real. My partner just didn’t seem to grasp what I meant. What had happened. Maybe your friends have also played it down to their partners.

No as I said I crossed posted as I said in next post I made.

I was distracted by one of my kids needing me and had not realise the thread had moved on a much as it did - which I said.

I said given her posts she should seek RL support from her Mother and plan to leave.

If you believe her, then why the hell would you want to stay with him? She's not alleging a grope. She's talking about rape.

He’s a rapist. You leave him.

''@BM1987
When I was pregnant he forced hinself on me. I said no. He carried on. I told him this was not right he raped me and I didnt speak to him again until after our child was born.''

I already commented but after your update it is clear that the man is a rapist simply based on what he did to you and you should leave him ASAP to protect yourself and your kids.

I think in your shoes I might even consider getting in touch with these other women (his sister, the woman who approach you and any other women she might be able to name) and jointly inform the police.

Sorry your DP has also raped you. You now know he is a serial rapist. You are not safe from this man. You deserve better.

You need to tell your mum to get real life support, you need to call rape crisis and woman's aid to find out what support there is for you and your child to get away from this man as soon as possible. It is going to be hard, no-one is doubting that, but you do need to act.

You need to leave this man. He isn't safe. He will not be safe around your children. Get therapy, make a plan to leave him as safely as possible.

I have done the Clares Law application online

Wtf. At least read the OP's posts.

WTF?!?….I did, this is a forum where anyone can ask questions so you really need to understand this and calm down

I'd be taking it seriously. After all, why would she lie? Especially as you move in similar social circles - she's got a lot more to lose in that case.

Of course, it could be all bollocks, or a horrible misunderstanding, but you deserve to be armed with all the facts.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the opinions and advice. Yes it does seem obvious what I need to do.

I am in total shock to be honest.

Wow

so sorry you’re going through this.

i think you need to look at her reaction to this in a similar way to how you reacted.

she probably also struggled to process it- perhaps they were dating? He was a friend? They were drunk and she tried to minimise it?

I’m guessing she has had therapy and has realised this was rape, has found out about others, and has decided to tell you. It’s possible her DP doesn’t know about it.

if this was 20 years ago, she was a teenager.

I wouldnt see her as a source of support at this point. Her story adds up but the behaviour around it doesnt.

With respect, OP - he raped you and you stayed with him and had another child.

Do you really find it so unbelievable that another woman chose not to go to the Police and smoothed the whole thing over when you did the exact same thing?

You are literally saying you believe he raped her but you don't approve of her behaviour afterwards.

How would you feel if someone said the same to you?

Victim blaming is never ok.

Her and my DP were talking normal as though they are friends etc. Its a head fuck

Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, maybe it’s what she has to accept if she wants to continue a relationship with his friend? All sorts of possible reasons and tbh they aren’t really your business, she may decide to explain if you sit down and talk but she doesn’t have to.

Just as you had your own reasons for staying with him after he raped you. Can you not see that if they didn’t know your reasons people might be confused why you stayed with him?

I hope you get the support you need to leave him

Being as he raped you and you know he's a rapist already, you don't really need to do Claire's law. Just get yourself out of there with your children. Don't say a word about why. Just go.

@BM1987
My ex husband raped me on two occasions. I stayed because of the children and managed to forget about it for years. It wasn't normal rape....
Relationships where you share children are very difficult to leave.
You have my sympathy for a very difficult situation.
The very best of luck sorting out how to proceed.

She’s definitely brave. It would have been looking out for the OP if she’d told her before she’d had the rapists children though unless she’d never had any contact with her before. Telling her after has left OP in a really difficult position