Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

[BM1987]

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

I'm sorry.
You must be horrified.

The guy raped you, he has raped other women. What more do you need to know?

It sounds like he has effectively been able to be a rapist under a cloak of decency (partner, children, family man, yada yada)

it's awful and it has now been brutally presented to you in broad daylight, by this woman saying the words "he's a rapist".

your stark choices are

stay with the rapist

tell him he's been busted, you and another woman know he's a rapist and it's time for you to break up and work out the care arrangements for your children,

the additional decision is whether you go to the police and report him. This depends on the degree of motivation to go through the gruelling process when there could be no benefit other than protecting other women from his rapist tendencies,

20 yrs ago he pushed her head down for oral sex?

So sorry for you op .He is a rapist regardless of if the woman is telling the truth or not. That will only clear up if he is a serial rapist or not.

That realisation may take time to land but things will unfortunately never be the same again.

Only you can now make the decisions needed to protect yourself and your family from this awful man.

Look after yourself x

From this thread I have learnt that some women are very judgemental of other women and have no understanding of the effects of long term trauma or immediate trauma.

Unexpected abuse within an otherwise normal relationship can be very confusing, especially if you have an experience of trauma or family dysfunction.

Life can be hard and complex. When a woman has got to the stage of being able to talk about her experiences, accusing comments along the lines of ‘but when didn’t you react like this or that’ are hardly helpful.

Nope

Oh OP I am so sorry
Are you afraid of him in general?
Please seek advice from Rape Crisis and Womens aid

Oh fuck that nonsense.

Try reading.

Yes I agree. I found it hard even hearing the OP say "why did she stay friends with him when he raped her?" When he also raped OP and get she stayed married and went on to have another child with him.

It's sometimes very hard to come to terms with something like rape - you minimise it, and dismiss it and continue whatever relationship you previously had with them because it's easier... That doesn't mean you weren't raped

WTF?

OP, you say later in this thread that this man also raped you, but didn't mention it in the original post. There's something odd about that. Also, you believe this woman when she said he attacked her, but not what she said about him and his sister.
If your partner raped you and you've now heard that he raped someone else, then you should talk it over properly with someone qualified on a sexual abuse helpline. They can help you find and support and decide whether to go to the police. Speculating with strangers on Mumsnet is unlikely to help you. I hope you find what you need.

I would want to speak to your dhs friends partner again.

Tell her it is not that your don't believe her, it has come as a huge shock and you are in denial, if she is okay can you meet up and talk about it to help you process it.

The fact she has previously told your dhs friend doesn't bode well. But it doesn't put his friend in a good light either if he continues to be friends with a serial rapist.

The sex with his sister part sounds more unlikely, but there are usually reasons rumour like that start and it is because of his other behaviour.

Sorry you are going through this.

When I was pregnant he forced hinself on me. I said no. He carried on. I told him this was not right he raped me

Pretty much says it all.

But you are self aware.

I wondered why you immediate believed her.

Im sorry you went through this and hope you can get yourself out and to safety soon.

Your number one consideration now is - how do you keep yourself and your children safe from him going forward. He must not be given any reason to suspect that the woman or anyone else spoke to you about these allegations. Be the best actress you can be around him until you are ready to leave. Save money, get support IRL, find housing, keep your business working so you have income, hide your savings from him. Start taking small valuable and important sentimental items secretly out of the house and store them with your mum. Consider pets. When you are ready give yourself a time buffer so he won’t suspect you’ve left for a few days at least if possible. That could be a planned holiday, caring for your mum or another relative, kids sports tournament out of town etc etc. Make sure you do not leave the kids or pets with him alone if you think he is onto you. Make sure that where you move to has security somehow. Inform police of your plan and tell them you have reason to be afraid of him. After you have left, you should report your rape to the police. He probably won’t be prosecuted because there is likely not enough evidence but if you report you will have a better chance of protecting your boys in custody proceedings. I’m sorry if this frightens you but you need to be fully prepared that this man could react very badly if you confront him. Rapists do not like the word no.

You know the answer here. You believe the woman and worse still he did it to you .

I know you may have tried to brush it under the carpet and I don’t blame you - you were pregnant with his child and were subjected to such a traumatic thing . I doubt you have processed it.

But you know what you have to do. You need to get out. If someone is capable of rape - and even worse , to the mother of their child whilst she is carrying his baby - then no they do not change. He raped more than one woman years ago and then did it to you , so he didn’t change .

Please get out of this relationship. You are not safe and neither will your child be . He is a monster . Please get some help and support.

Can you stay with your mum? He deserves to face the consequences of his actions.

He has never mentioned anything to me about him like this. But she said he is aware of what he did to her. Yet DP and her partner are close friends from childhood
Sorry, I missed this part of your post.
Her partner is a dick.

@BM1987 what this lady said to you is background noise. What happened before is irrelevant rn. He raped you. It really doesn’t matter what she told you, does it? You need to focus on rescuing 3 people: you and your 2 precious children. You really can’t have them in this atmosphere any longer. There are 3 things to do - report it; get him out; get therapy. You are worth so much more than this and you need to believe it. We believe you.

Do you rent or do you own? Can you afford to live there without him (don’t forget you will get cm and possibly some uc). Are your boys school age?

Believe in yourself. You are strong and you can do this, if not for you then for your boys.

I’ve just read the post by @GraduationDay Day above which covers the practicalities. Be brave.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I understand why you believe what you're being told. You know he's a rapist because he raped you. Please start to make plans to leave him. Don't discuss the allegations with him. What he's done to you is more than enough to end the relationship. I'd be tempted to go to the police tbh

They are just going to get away with it , if no one reports it.

WHHOAAAHHH talk about not having RTFT

im going to have my comment removed

Please speak to Rape Crisis, OP. They will understand what you're going through and will give good advice and support. And start making your escape plan, as recommended upthread.

I'm also in favour of you and the other woman reporting to the police. If nothing else, it will make it easier for his next victim (and I'm sure there'll be one, if not more than one) to see his true colours before they become enmeshed with him.

Please don't let your dear little boys grow up with this vile abuser as a role model.