To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

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My mum, now in her 50s, has been a heavy smoker as long as I can remember. I was embarrassed by it as a teenager because my school uniform always smelled smoky, and people would make comments at school (none of my friends parents smoked then, and actually my DM is the only person I know who smokes to this day). I've never been a smoker myself and I can't stand the smell of stale smoke.

DM knows I dislike it and makes a point of smoking outside when I visit her (she lives alone). But it's really obvious that she smokes indoors the rest of the time. The smell of smoke hits as soon as you walk in the door. Every room smells of it, even those she doesn't use and definitely doesn't smoke in, such as the guest bedroom I sleep in. When she buys gifts, I have to wash them before use because they smell. When I visit her, I have to shower soon as I get home and wash everything I've taken into her house, the smell is so strong (DH avoids visiting her now because he hates it too, and won't come near me until I've showered after a visit). She herself smells very unpleasant, despite trying to mask with gum and perfume.

I'm about to have my first child, her first grandchild, as I'm an only child myself. She's very excited and I know she's picturing the kind of relationship she had with her gran and I had with mine - sleepovers at hers and quality time together just the two of them. And selfishly, I hope for the same thing, so that DH and I can catch the odd break and enjoy time together! But, I really hate the idea of my child going into a smoky environment, both for health reasons and the practical/aesthetic issue of everything being smelly and needing washing after every visit.

DM clearly doesn't realise that it smells and is "noseblind" to it; if she did, she wouldn't bother to go outside to smoke in my presence, and she obviously thinks she's being courteous to me by doing so. I'm sure she would do the same when her grandchild visits. But the problem isn't the fresh smoke, it's the embedded smoke. Would it be unreasonable for me to tell her how bad she and her house smells, and to request that she puts a stop to indoor smoking altogether, as a condition to have her GC in her house? (And if any MNetters agree this is fine, advice on how to handle it sensitively would be appreciated!).

YANBU - a smoky environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.
YABU - it's her house and she's entitled to smoke in it if she chooses.

You can't tell her what to do in her own house.

Just don't go there with your child.

I mean YANBU to not want your baby going into that environment. I wouldn't go there either. But it's not really reasonable to ask someone not to smoke in their own home, and in the vanishingly unlikely circumstance that she actually complied, there would still be decades of smoke embedded in every room of her house. The place will have to be totally gutted to get rid of that.

Your baby won't be able to go to DGM's house, is the reality. It would be nice if grandma sleepovers were an option, but they aren't, so you'll have to do without.

My mother is the same, OP, although we’re not in touch anymore so it’s taken the decision you’re facing out of my hands.

I dont think you’re unreasonable to ask but I don’t think it’ll achieve what you’re hoping for — your mum will still stink of smoke, particularly her hands, mouth and clothes — and that means baby will be in close contact, and will also inhale/smell of smoke.

Unfortunately, I think it’s a case of either she quits, she doesn’t hold baby, or you accept the passive smoking.

I don’t envy you having to tackle this, but YANBU x

It’s vile, I agree. Just don’t take your child there, but you absolutely can’t tell her to not smoke in her own home.
Both DM and (now deceased) PIL smoked, we hardly visited PIL because of it, DM did smoke outside when they were little but does now smoke indoors, and it stinks!

My DF was the same. I had to tell him that we wouldn’t be visiting him while his house stank of smoke. Baby comes first. He wasn’t happy and wouldn’t put himself out to visit us. I’d go round to him a couple of times a year in the summer and sit out in the garden just to make an effort. Tbh it spelt the end of our relationship. He died 12 years ago but I still stand by my decision even though it makes me sad.

There doesn’t seem to be a lot, including children, that will come between smokers and their cigs.

It's a tricky split. You aren't being unreasonable not to want your child around that, my grandma spoken like a chimney. We didn't visit much but we could always tell the presents from them by the smell. It's not great

But you also can't dictate what someone does in their own home. And she's always going to smell of smoke even if she smokes outside.

It would be unreasonable to ask someone not to smoke in their own home when you don’t live in it.
But I wouldn’t want my baby in a smokey home either.
Gently broach the subject of “you’ll have to sleep at our house to have sleepovers with your grandchild Mum…” while you and your other half are out/at a hotel relaxing etc.

How would you suggest I raise the issue of refusing to take the child to her house, without raising the smoking issue? If I just never go to hers after the baby is born, without explanation, she'd be very confused and hurt.

I should probably add that she doesn't drive and lives an hour's drive from us, so unless we go to her, she wouldn't see us.

Why would you not raise the smoking issue? It's bleeding obvious why you wouldn't take a baby into her house. You tell her that the baby isn't going there because of the damage to its lungs from all the ingrained cigarette smoke.

You won’t change her now OP…but you can change your behaviour and just stop going. I would absolutely tell her why (keep it baby-centric using actual facts). She’s welcome to visit you of course as long as she doesn’t smoke at all whilst there…given that the smoke clings to clothing, skin, hair and breath. You don’t want your baby breathing it in and smelling of smoke.

It’s a really tricky situation, because ultimately you can’t tell someone what they can do in their own house despite it being a filthy habit 😬
Could you send her some info about the dangers of secondhand smoke to babies - the fact that even if she smokes outside the toxic chemicals on her clothes can be transferred to the baby?

My DM and her partner are the same. They don't smoke inside apart from the conservatory but the smell goes everywhere and always triggers my asthma when I go and visit them.

If I were in your shoes I'd be saying to my Mum that I love her etc but her and her house stinks of smoke and it's not very good for a baby/child so won't be bringing the baby around to hers but happy to meet somewhere or for her to come over to mine.

I would say due to your concerns about second hand smoke she needs to visit you. If she asks about you visiting say if she stopped smoking in the house you would.

You just tell her you don't want your baby in a home with second hand smoke.

You can still see her elsewhere, surely? She can get a bus, or a taxi, or you can meet her outside at a park or something.

You’ll have to be blunt about it I’m afraid. Manage expectations. I would hate to go into a house like that. Not a problem I face as my heavy smoking mother died at 55. Cite mid wife advice etc - that environment is not ok for a baby /child.

My comment was a question to the poster who simply said I just shouldn't take the baby to her house. And it's clearly not "bleeding obvious" to my DM that it's an issue, who smoked throughout my childhood with no care!

We never visited my grandparents for the same reason. It's her choice but you have to be honest. Just meet in a cafe or other public place instead. If in five years when you might consider sleepovers she has moved or had the house s tripped you can reconsider

You will have to be blunt with her. She knows what she is doing. She has chosen to smoke and I assume she is smart enough to know that smoke and cigarettes kill. Your mother will have to accept your boundaries - you will never visit her again in her own home. It’s up to her to change if she wants to see her grandchild.

I think it's worth having the conversation. (You might as well, as it's inevitably going to come up.) Dont expect it to go well, accept there will be some upset, be nice but firm.

Grab some leaflets etc about dangers etc. "Mum, with the baby coming, do you think you could make some changes..." Offer to help with cleaning and redecorating if you can?

Don't tell her she 'has' to. Just explain consequences - if you xxx then we yyy.

Your mum might not have managed to quit, but she lives in the world - she knows smoking is bad for her and she knows it's bad for babies. Literally nobody is suggesting you don't tell her it's because of the cigarettes, and it's pretty telling that that's what you assumed. Everyone is expecting you to tell her it's because of the smoking.

You're a mother now. The time for putting other people's feelings before your baby's wellbeing is dead and gone.

Not due to her concerns. Due to the known risks eye etc

Honestly, this is just so incredibly patronising.

OP's mum is 55 years old. She knows smoking is bad for her - she doesn't live under a rock.

Ok. This was 100% my life. Both my dm and df smoked heavily when we were kids but so did many of my friends parents. Df stopped but mam never did.
As a teacher I realise how bad we must have smelled back then. Wearing old clothes to go and visit shower and clothes in the washer as soon as home.

We just had to be truthful/factual with her, even if she didn't smoke when we were there, it was as you say 'the embedded smoke which is very harmful especially to young babies. We told dm that we couldn't visit if she chose to continue smoking in her house but she was very welcome to come to our home.
She did a lot of back biting, we grew ip with it, never harmed us etc (and we all were really healthy Kids!? ) . But we said 'we now know better, so need to do better'. We couldn't insist she gave up but she then had the consequence of NEVER having her grandkids in her home.

She died a couple of yrs back. We emptied her house and deep cleaned it, put it on sale, but nearly a yr later you could still smell smoke evrytime you went in.

You just have to put down your rules and she has to live with consequences of her actions.

Good luck!

Oh gosh OP, I feel for you. My mum died of emphysema at the age of 56, many years before I had kids. This is exactly the situation I would have faced had she lived to see her grandchildren. Personally, I think I would have addressed this with her, as kindly as I could. Something like 'I love you, I want you to have a close relationship with your grandchildren, but passive smoking includin g longering smoke puts them in danger and I can't do that. If you don't smoke on your house then I can recomsoder, otherwose visots need to be at my house or outside. Please understand.'

I'm not going to lie though, I know my mum would have been angry and defensive. Addiction twists people's ability to think objectively. I really hope.you can work your way through this with your mum.