To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

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My mum, now in her 50s, has been a heavy smoker as long as I can remember. I was embarrassed by it as a teenager because my school uniform always smelled smoky, and people would make comments at school (none of my friends parents smoked then, and actually my DM is the only person I know who smokes to this day). I've never been a smoker myself and I can't stand the smell of stale smoke.

DM knows I dislike it and makes a point of smoking outside when I visit her (she lives alone). But it's really obvious that she smokes indoors the rest of the time. The smell of smoke hits as soon as you walk in the door. Every room smells of it, even those she doesn't use and definitely doesn't smoke in, such as the guest bedroom I sleep in. When she buys gifts, I have to wash them before use because they smell. When I visit her, I have to shower soon as I get home and wash everything I've taken into her house, the smell is so strong (DH avoids visiting her now because he hates it too, and won't come near me until I've showered after a visit). She herself smells very unpleasant, despite trying to mask with gum and perfume.

I'm about to have my first child, her first grandchild, as I'm an only child myself. She's very excited and I know she's picturing the kind of relationship she had with her gran and I had with mine - sleepovers at hers and quality time together just the two of them. And selfishly, I hope for the same thing, so that DH and I can catch the odd break and enjoy time together! But, I really hate the idea of my child going into a smoky environment, both for health reasons and the practical/aesthetic issue of everything being smelly and needing washing after every visit.

DM clearly doesn't realise that it smells and is "noseblind" to it; if she did, she wouldn't bother to go outside to smoke in my presence, and she obviously thinks she's being courteous to me by doing so. I'm sure she would do the same when her grandchild visits. But the problem isn't the fresh smoke, it's the embedded smoke. Would it be unreasonable for me to tell her how bad she and her house smells, and to request that she puts a stop to indoor smoking altogether, as a condition to have her GC in her house? (And if any MNetters agree this is fine, advice on how to handle it sensitively would be appreciated!).

YANBU - a smoky environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.
YABU - it's her house and she's entitled to smoke in it if she chooses.

My SD is pregnant OP. Her dad smokes - not heavily like your DM appears to, but enough for the midwife to have mentioned her C02 levels were affected after a visit to us the day before the appointment. Has your midwife mentioned anything similar ? When SD mentioned it to her dad he agreed that before she visits he will air the house out and not smoke while she’s here, and will do the same after the baby’s born. So far it’s been ok and her C02 levels are fine. Maybe a similar conversation would be a good idea with your mum. It’s her grandchild and how often she sees them is in her own hands.

Aren’t you concerned about the poor dog’s health? 😢

There's so much more scientific evidence now as to the dangers of passive smoking, so you could say that you don't want to risk your child developing asthma or other respiratory problems.

As soon as you stop visiting there's going to be a change in your relationship so you might as well be honest and direct and tell her why. This gives her the opportunity to change if she wants to and you've at least respected her enough to tell her the truth whilst maintaining your own boundaries.

Also even though living an hour a way and not driving, is she able to get a train or bus to visit you?

It's up to your Mum as an adult what she does in her home BUT I wouldn't be taking a baby or DC anywhere near this house. You could offer to meet her outside at a park or something where she could push baby in the pram. I wouldn't let her hold a baby as she'll make the baby stink. I'd tell her you won't have your baby made to stink of smoke. All her clothes will stink.

My Mum smokes and always did inside up until my children were born when she stopped without me asking.

Her house was quite airy so the smell wasn't too bad, and I think she may have had it professionally cleaned but don't know.

I feel for you, but you might find she addresses it without you needing to. Baffles me my Mum smoked while actually pregnant with my siblings and me but not even in the house when her precious grandchildren arrived!

I would say that it’s not safe to bring a baby into a smoky house and you’re not going to do it. Fortunately for me, my SIL had said this to FIL well before we had children, and he established a “smoking room” in his house. Not perfect, but a good compromise. You need to have a big enough house though….

What does DH say about it?

Predumably he will not be happy about his baby being exposed to 3rd hand smoke?

Ooof this is a tough one OP. I grew up with London Irish grandparents where the kitchen was under a constant cloud of smoke and remember being part fascinated/part baffled by the gaggle of aunts who would always be assembled puffing away. My mother (who gave up smoking when I was small) never bothered about it.
These says though (& as a part-time smoker) what you describe at your mothers house sounds horrid.
I agree what she does in her own home is her businesss…. But have you really spoken to her & explained your feelings on this? If she were to understand how disinclined you may be to being her grandchild around to visit it may be enough to jog her into making some changes?