Page 6 | To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

ReadTheBlurb · 2025-04-27T08:17:36+00:00

My mum, now in her 50s, has been a heavy smoker as long as I can remember. I was embarrassed by it as a teenager because my school uniform always smelled smoky, and people would make comments at school (none of my friends parents smoked then, and actually my DM is the only person I know who smokes to this day). I've never been a smoker myself and I can't stand the smell of stale smoke. DM knows I dislike it and makes a point of smoking outside when I visit her (she lives alone). But it's really obvious that she smokes indoors the rest of the time. The smell of smoke hits as soon as you walk in the door. Every room smells of it, even those she doesn't use and definitely doesn't smoke in, such as the guest bedroom I sleep in. When she buys gifts, I have to wash them before use because they smell. When I visit her, I have to shower soon as I get home and wash everything I've taken into her house, the smell is so strong (DH avoids visiting her now because he hates it too, and won't come near me until I've showered after a visit). She herself smells very unpleasant, despite trying to mask with gum and perfume. I'm about to have my first child, her first grandchild, as I'm an only child myself. She's very excited and I know she's picturing the kind of relationship she had with her gran and I had with mine - sleepovers at hers and quality time together just the two of them. And selfishly, I hope for the same thing, so that DH and I can catch the odd break and enjoy time together! But, I really hate the idea of my child going into a smoky environment, both for health reasons and the practical/aesthetic issue of everything being smelly and needing washing after every visit. DM clearly doesn't realise that it smells and is "noseblind" to it; if she did, she wouldn't bother to go outside to smoke in my presence, and she obviously thinks she's being courteous to me by doing so. I'm sure she would do the same when her grandchild visits. But the problem isn't the fresh smoke, it's the embedded smoke. Would it be unreasonable for me to tell her how bad she and her house smells, and to request that she puts a stop to indoor smoking altogether, as a condition to have her GC in her house? (And if any MNetters agree this is fine, advice on how to handle it sensitively would be appreciated!). YANBU - a smoky environment is horrible and not suitable for a child. YABU - it's her house and she's entitled to smoke in it if she chooses.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2025 12:17

nessiesnotreal · 27/04/2025 09:53

I had this with my Mum when I was expecting my first. I just took her out for lunch and just broached the subject over a cappuccino and a sandwich. Told her that it would be difficult for me to visit the house with the baby due to the smoke.

She was actually really reasonable and made the decision herself that from now on she would only smoke outside. Or if it was raining she would stand at the patio doors and blow the smoke outside. It worked! House was smoke free and started to smell much better. She did it because she knew how important it was to me and because she also wanted to keep her grandchild away from the smoke.

Can you chat with her about it without making demands and see what her reaction is?

Surely it would have needed a deep clean though?

The smell would be embedded

TreeStove · 27/04/2025 12:28

We had this with my FIL. To be honest, we only visit with the kids 2-3 times a year (usually for a few nights at a time), and we just suck it up. That amount of exposure to third-hand smoke will have absolutely no impact on your babies/children. Obviously, we wouldn't allow anyone to actually smoke around our kids. It's really not worth ruining a relationship over, it's just one of those annoying things in life.

(We wash ourselves and all of our clothes immediately after every visit, too. Hate the stink of smoke)

SalfordQuays · 27/04/2025 12:30

ReadTheBlurb · 27/04/2025 10:18

I wonder if a lot of posters have misunderstood my question, which was if I'd be unreasonable to ASK her to stop smoking - perhaps some have read it as can I TELL her to stop smoking at home? As 37% so far have said it is an unreasonable ask - I'm intrigued if those individuals therefore think I just shouldn't mention it at all? Or maybe some posters think it is unreasonable to ask, but that it's fine to be unreasonable in this circumstance?! 🤣

@ReadTheBlurb the people who say YABU are saying YABU to ask her not to smoke in her own house. Of course you can’t dictate what someone does in their own house, and that’s why they are saying YABU. But no one is saying you have to just accept it. What people mean is that you can’t tell her what to do, but you can choose to keep your baby away from her and her house.

You basically need to say “all the current evidence shows that second and third hand smoke is bad for young children. I know I was OK as a child, but things are different now. For example, no one would drive kids without a seatbelt like they used to. Times change. I would love for you to have a close relationship with your grandchild, but I need to think about his/her health, and that means keeping him/her away from cigarette smoke. I won’t feel comfortable visiting you with things as they are. I’m telling you now so that you can think about the options, and how we can best keep my baby safe and healthy”. Then it’s over to her.

TreeStove · 27/04/2025 12:33

Some posters on here seem a little confused about what second hand smoke is. Second hand smoke is the smoke you (as a non-smoker) inhale when a smoker is smoking in your presence. The smoke that lingers on items in a person's house/on clothing that you can smell is third-hand smoke. It is much less dangerous than second-hand smoke, especially when you are not living in the environment, but merely visiting occasionally.

TreeStove · 27/04/2025 12:35

BookArt55 · 27/04/2025 11:03

You described my parents and my feelings when I was having my first. I had a conversation with them before baby arrived. Explained the health risks, that nhs advice is to even change your clothes before holding baby,etc. They actually decided they wanted to cut back, so they chose to smoke outside etc. During the winter it picked up again and we had another chat about it. I just said I want the best for my baby, they understood. My dad has now passed, but my two kids and myself now live with my mum. She was still smoking outside when we first moved in but has now gone to raping outside and done so well.
I think having an honest conversation, especially as you seem to have a good relationship with you mum, is far more beneficial than potentially upsetting her by not speaking the truth and in effect distancing contact with no explanation.
My parents chose their grandkids over smoking, their words, not my intentions. It was the first time they had ever made a change with their smoking i think.

Oh my goodness, that is some shocking typo!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/04/2025 12:35

I wonder if a lot of posters have misunderstood my question, which was if I'd be unreasonable to ASK her to stop smoking - perhaps some have read it as can I TELL her to stop smoking at home?

I suspect it's not so much a misunderstanding as an appreciation that this is how your "volatile" DM will interpret it

Personally I'd neither ask nor tell her not to smoke in her own home but just explain that your DC won't be coming into it because of the stink, which is your choice that you're entitled to make
She can then decide what her priorities are, and though the public transport may take longer to get to you that's the price she'll be choosing to pay

Maray1967 · 27/04/2025 12:37

thehorsesareallidiots · 27/04/2025 09:25

Why would you not raise the smoking issue? It's bleeding obvious why you wouldn't take a baby into her house. You tell her that the baby isn't going there because of the damage to its lungs from all the ingrained cigarette smoke.

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This! I know two women my age who spelled it out to their DMs 30 years ago. Baby does not come to your home unless you quit now and get the house de-fumed. Both DMs quit because both valued time with baby more than cigs.

Leafy3 · 27/04/2025 12:40

We had this situation in my family and addressed it politely but frankly. There's a lot of information online now about the danger of thirdhand smoke, which wasn't a concept when I was growing up.
The family member in question stopped smoking indoors and when children visited, changed after smoking.

Original poster

ReadTheBlurb · 27/04/2025 12:45

Calliopespa · 27/04/2025 11:54

Could you write an old fashioned letter?!

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I have in the past when we've had a disagreement used text messages to convey my feelings to her because it's easier than face to face. But this is a bit different really because she's not done anything wrong. A face to face conversation feels more appropriate here.

OP posts:

Kamek · 27/04/2025 12:47

You need to put your foot down about this now and stick to it if you feel so strongly about it (which i would too). She needs to realise the consequences of her awful habit unfortunately that she chooses to do. As hard as it may be to give up, it is still a choice to smoke so she can pay the price. She can still smoke whatever she wants in her own house but you can refuse to go there, and can also refuse her to come to your house as she will still be stinking your house out

Original poster

ReadTheBlurb · 27/04/2025 13:00

SalfordQuays · 27/04/2025 12:30

@ReadTheBlurb the people who say YABU are saying YABU to ask her not to smoke in her own house. Of course you can’t dictate what someone does in their own house, and that’s why they are saying YABU. But no one is saying you have to just accept it. What people mean is that you can’t tell her what to do, but you can choose to keep your baby away from her and her house.

You basically need to say “all the current evidence shows that second and third hand smoke is bad for young children. I know I was OK as a child, but things are different now. For example, no one would drive kids without a seatbelt like they used to. Times change. I would love for you to have a close relationship with your grandchild, but I need to think about his/her health, and that means keeping him/her away from cigarette smoke. I won’t feel comfortable visiting you with things as they are. I’m telling you now so that you can think about the options, and how we can best keep my baby safe and healthy”. Then it’s over to her.

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I can see the subtle difference there, though in a roundabout way is it not still really telling her that she'd have to change her lifestyle in exchange for having her grandchild visit her?

The more cutthroat approach of literally never going to her house isn't ideal - I don't want to never set foot in my childhood home, or for my DC to never see it. We also use my mum for dog sitting - we take the dog to hers when we go on holiday as she works, so she can't come to ours to do it (in fact she's already booked in for a dog sitting session later this year, for a trip we've planned once baby is here). We'd be opening ourselves up to other barriers by not even asking her to consider the option of changing her smoking habits.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 27/04/2025 13:08

I don't know anyone who smokes now DH had a friend who did. I could smell it on his clothes when he came home. Icky

Weirdly I used to love FILs pipe tobacco and a friend husband who enjoyed the odd cigar.

How much are cigarettes these days. Is it an expensive habit?

QuickPeachPoet · 27/04/2025 13:09

ReadTheBlurb · 27/04/2025 09:23

How would you suggest I raise the issue of refusing to take the child to her house, without raising the smoking issue? If I just never go to hers after the baby is born, without explanation, she'd be very confused and hurt.

I should probably add that she doesn't drive and lives an hour's drive from us, so unless we go to her, she wouldn't see us.

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You can raise the issue, but just without saying 'stop doing this'. Just state the facts. I won't be meeting at yours because of the smoke smell. You don't have to give her orders. She can then decide what to do.

Original poster

ReadTheBlurb · 27/04/2025 13:22

justasking111 · 27/04/2025 13:08

I don't know anyone who smokes now DH had a friend who did. I could smell it on his clothes when he came home. Icky

Weirdly I used to love FILs pipe tobacco and a friend husband who enjoyed the odd cigar.

How much are cigarettes these days. Is it an expensive habit?

Edited

Not sure, but I believe it's extortionate. DM tends to get hers from abroad, either on her own trips (she has a group of friends she holidays with 2-3 times per year) or getting friends to bring her cigs back. So she unfortunately tends to have a big stockpile, suggesting quitting isn't currently on her radar. Her most recent holiday was just a month ago and I know she brought cigs back with her then, and got her non-smoking travel companions to use their allowance for her too.

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2025 13:23

Ilovelurchers · 27/04/2025 10:26

The responses to this thread are bizarre. The universal assumption seems to be that because she is a smoker, your mom must by definition be some kind of evil bitch who will prioritise smoking indoors over her grandchild.

She sounds like a nice person who you have a good relationship with. She is already happy to go outside to smoke when you visit. I am sure she will understand if you explain to her politely and kindly. I wouldn't go on about the smell to be honest. (And while it's not a great smell, I do think your husband is being a little OTT to refuse to even come near you until you shower after you have visited - I am surprised the transfered smell is so strong that he simply can't endure it). I would major on the health issues. She is not stupid, she will be aware of them anyway. You aren't even asking her to quit - just to smoke outside, which isn't an enormous ask - I would definitely do it. Much better than simply deciding to never visit her, without even mentioning what the issue is - that's mad advice!

I'm not sure where you get the idea that OP's mum is a nice person who she has a good relationship with. She has referred to her mum being difficult a couple of times, e.g.:

'My mum is a difficult lady who takes things very personally, so I've spent most of my life avoiding confronting her on anything just to maintain a peaceful existence.'

Even if OP's mum smokes outside during their visit, the whole house will smell of smoke and just by being there, the baby will be exposed to third hand smoke.

Isobel201 · 27/04/2025 13:24

I had a nan who was dad's mother, she used to smoke indoors all the time - this was 1990s and very early 2000. As children we loved going up to see her, so we just put up with it. She died when she was 77, doctors had only advised her to stop smoking two years beforehand, which at that point, the damage was already done. She died of a burst aorter which was a quick sudden death.
Its not encouraged me or my sister to take up smoking and we never will, but I don't think the visits and frequent stays did us any harm.

SalfordQuays · 27/04/2025 13:29

Isobel201 · 27/04/2025 13:24

I had a nan who was dad's mother, she used to smoke indoors all the time - this was 1990s and very early 2000. As children we loved going up to see her, so we just put up with it. She died when she was 77, doctors had only advised her to stop smoking two years beforehand, which at that point, the damage was already done. She died of a burst aorter which was a quick sudden death.
Its not encouraged me or my sister to take up smoking and we never will, but I don't think the visits and frequent stays did us any harm.

@Isobel201 firstly, she will have been advised by healthcare professionals to stop smoking every time she saw them, for many years. Secondly, you have no idea what respiratory damage you may have sustained. It’ll become apparent when you’re older.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2025 13:39

Ukholidaysaregreat · 27/04/2025 11:04

Hi OP, I think a lot of the advice on this thread is quite heartless. Your Mum is a good person who is looking forward to being an involved GP. I wouldn't be cutting her off with no explanation. All my Grandparents smoked. I remember watching the snooker on a black and white TV through a hazy of cigarette and pipe smoke. You couldn't see what was going on at all and I was bored out of my mind. That was 80s childcare for you. Hahaha. I think you need a sit down chat with your Mum and ask her to change her habitats to smoke outside. She might or she might not be able to change. Like pp have suggested meet outside, she could baby sit at yours while you go out. I'm sure you can find a nice way to navigate through this. Good Luck.

Why do you think that OP's mum is a good person? OP has said:

'My mum is a difficult lady who takes things very personally, so I've spent most of my life avoiding confronting her on anything just to maintain a peaceful existence.'

The advice on here isn't heartless, it's realistic. OP isn't intending to cut her mum off with no explanation but because her mum is difficult and over-sensitive, she will probably take offence whatever OP says and however gently she approaches the subject.

Original poster

ReadTheBlurb · 27/04/2025 13:48

Isobel201 · 27/04/2025 13:24

I had a nan who was dad's mother, she used to smoke indoors all the time - this was 1990s and very early 2000. As children we loved going up to see her, so we just put up with it. She died when she was 77, doctors had only advised her to stop smoking two years beforehand, which at that point, the damage was already done. She died of a burst aorter which was a quick sudden death.
Its not encouraged me or my sister to take up smoking and we never will, but I don't think the visits and frequent stays did us any harm.

It's not just the harm element though. I really, really can't bear the smell. As soon as I get in the car to go home I can smell it on me; I travel home with the windows open where possible and spray myself with perfume as a temporary mask. My DH hates it too. A PP earlier said he was being dramatic by insisting I shower before he'll come near me. He honestly isn't, I'm fully on his side with this one!

OP posts:

justasking111 · 27/04/2025 13:52

ReadTheBlurb · 27/04/2025 13:22

Not sure, but I believe it's extortionate. DM tends to get hers from abroad, either on her own trips (she has a group of friends she holidays with 2-3 times per year) or getting friends to bring her cigs back. So she unfortunately tends to have a big stockpile, suggesting quitting isn't currently on her radar. Her most recent holiday was just a month ago and I know she brought cigs back with her then, and got her non-smoking travel companions to use their allowance for her too.

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Ah right. At work some guy in a van would turn up with tobacco but that's years ago now

hhtddbkoygv · 27/04/2025 14:31

I abhor smoking and I had a similar upgringing with my mother smoking. I actually don't allow her to be around my dc and this is one of the (many) reasons.

That being said, you don't have the right to dictate if she smokes inside her house.
Even if you did the issue would remain as the smoke will be ingrained in her house and if she doesn't have high hygiene standards in respect to smoking nothing will change. Her hands and clothing will still reek of it.

Goofy03 · 27/04/2025 14:41

TreeStove · 27/04/2025 12:33

Some posters on here seem a little confused about what second hand smoke is. Second hand smoke is the smoke you (as a non-smoker) inhale when a smoker is smoking in your presence. The smoke that lingers on items in a person's house/on clothing that you can smell is third-hand smoke. It is much less dangerous than second-hand smoke, especially when you are not living in the environment, but merely visiting occasionally.

This sounds more proportionate. The smell is unpleasant and maybe try and minimise time spent there but I wouldn’t cut off my own DM for a smell. Obviously smoking anywhere near a child is a no no but it sounds like the mum wouldn’t be doing this.

Swiftie1878 · 27/04/2025 14:46

It’s unreasonable to tell, or even ask, her to not smoke in her own home.
What isn’t unreasonable is for you to tell her that her access to you and her GC will be severely curtailed because of her smoking and the stench that overwhelms her home because of it.
Then it’s up to her how she responds. She may be defensive and belligerent to start with, but she may realise over time that she needs to get her act together to see her GC.
If she doesn’t, it’s her loss. You need to protect your child and yourself over kowtowing to her.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2025 14:47

PopThatBench · 27/04/2025 09:23

It would be unreasonable to ask someone not to smoke in their own home when you don’t live in it.
But I wouldn’t want my baby in a smokey home either.
Gently broach the subject of “you’ll have to sleep at our house to have sleepovers with your grandchild Mum…” while you and your other half are out/at a hotel relaxing etc.

Sorry, wouldn’t want an heavy smoker staying in our house, they reek.

Bababear987 · 27/04/2025 15:12

Isobel201 · 27/04/2025 13:24

I had a nan who was dad's mother, she used to smoke indoors all the time - this was 1990s and very early 2000. As children we loved going up to see her, so we just put up with it. She died when she was 77, doctors had only advised her to stop smoking two years beforehand, which at that point, the damage was already done. She died of a burst aorter which was a quick sudden death.
Its not encouraged me or my sister to take up smoking and we never will, but I don't think the visits and frequent stays did us any harm.

This is an extremely naive comment 2nd and 3rd hand smoke has been proven without a doubt to cause health issues so the fact that you think you're fine is a bit silly, surely you can see this is confirmation bias. They tell people who smoke not to do so within a time frame before holding baby and ask them to wash hands and change clothes before holding the baby so it is undoubtedly not something that's fine just because other people grew up with it and survived into adulthood.
It's not just the health issues, smoking is stinking and who wants their gorgeous new baby smelling like dirty stale smoke 🤮