To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

[ReadTheBlurb]

My mum, now in her 50s, has been a heavy smoker as long as I can remember. I was embarrassed by it as a teenager because my school uniform always smelled smoky, and people would make comments at school (none of my friends parents smoked then, and actually my DM is the only person I know who smokes to this day). I've never been a smoker myself and I can't stand the smell of stale smoke.

DM knows I dislike it and makes a point of smoking outside when I visit her (she lives alone). But it's really obvious that she smokes indoors the rest of the time. The smell of smoke hits as soon as you walk in the door. Every room smells of it, even those she doesn't use and definitely doesn't smoke in, such as the guest bedroom I sleep in. When she buys gifts, I have to wash them before use because they smell. When I visit her, I have to shower soon as I get home and wash everything I've taken into her house, the smell is so strong (DH avoids visiting her now because he hates it too, and won't come near me until I've showered after a visit). She herself smells very unpleasant, despite trying to mask with gum and perfume.

I'm about to have my first child, her first grandchild, as I'm an only child myself. She's very excited and I know she's picturing the kind of relationship she had with her gran and I had with mine - sleepovers at hers and quality time together just the two of them. And selfishly, I hope for the same thing, so that DH and I can catch the odd break and enjoy time together! But, I really hate the idea of my child going into a smoky environment, both for health reasons and the practical/aesthetic issue of everything being smelly and needing washing after every visit.

DM clearly doesn't realise that it smells and is "noseblind" to it; if she did, she wouldn't bother to go outside to smoke in my presence, and she obviously thinks she's being courteous to me by doing so. I'm sure she would do the same when her grandchild visits. But the problem isn't the fresh smoke, it's the embedded smoke. Would it be unreasonable for me to tell her how bad she and her house smells, and to request that she puts a stop to indoor smoking altogether, as a condition to have her GC in her house? (And if any MNetters agree this is fine, advice on how to handle it sensitively would be appreciated!).

YANBU - a smoky environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.
YABU - it's her house and she's entitled to smoke in it if she chooses.

Some of the reactions here feel extreme to me. So just to offer an alternative viewpoint. ..

Your child will know a lot of people and go to a lot of places in their lives. Some of them will have healthy habits and pose relatively few risks. Others won’t, but they can’t be avoided completely without a detriment to their life skills. You have a responsibility to be the very best example you can be to your children but you also have a responsibility to help them live around others.

By all means you should implore your mum to stop smoking and live better. It sounds minging. She may be motivated to improve her chances of living longer when she has a grandchild. But she’s an adult and the only mother you have.

Personaly I wouldn’t judge the risk posed by stale smoke in a house she sometimes - even regularly - visits, to be significant. If there is a risk i would find it outweighed by the benefits to you all of caring family relationships.

I know what it’s like to be a new parent though the details take on a lot of significance. Good luck.

I would state it as fact quite soon. ‘Obviously mum, the baby won’t be able to go into your house because of the dangers of second hand smoke’ Give her a chance to do something about it herself.

In fact would you even let her babysit at yours knowing she’ll be popping out for a fag and then breathing it all over baby?

you don’t need to tell her what to do in her own home, but I think you need to have some kind of conversation with her.

Something along the lines of recognising she has the right to smoke in her own home, but there’s a lot more known about the impact of passive smoking, being in a smoky environment etc. these days. And be brave and point out that your clothes and belongings smell of smoke after a visit and because of this you’re not going to be able to bring the baby to the house as long as she’s smoking indoors.

Smokers know it’s bad for them, but the ones that smoke indoors are so used to it, they really don’t get how much it stinks. I say this as a bit of a social smoker 😳 who hasn’t stayed over at my parents house for almost 20 years because of indoor smoking.

I won't go into a smokers house end of. It stinks.

I was diagnosed with asthma at 27.. Years of being around smokers as a dc..
Don't know how to quote posters but the love of a good family doesn't prevent SIDS....

You cannot be nice about this. You have to accept the response you will get from your DM will probably be unpleasant. In a way it is asking you to choose between DM and DC. I know most would choose DC.

This would be a nonstarter with me. I’d pick her up for outings but there’s 0 chance my child would be in a house of a smoker. At this point it actually is too late to ask her to stop anyway as everything in that house is saturated so I’d just tell her now that you need to stop being inside - it’s not great while pregnant either.

I havent read the full thread but even if she comes to your house she'll still have her smelly hair, skin, clothing etc.

Theres no disguising it or preventing it. It really is repulsive.

How dangerous is a question though if she is only visiting you. Also its irrelevant that she doesnt drive, she can use public transport surely?

You described my parents and my feelings when I was having my first. I had a conversation with them before baby arrived. Explained the health risks, that nhs advice is to even change your clothes before holding baby,etc. They actually decided they wanted to cut back, so they chose to smoke outside etc. During the winter it picked up again and we had another chat about it. I just said I want the best for my baby, they understood. My dad has now passed, but my two kids and myself now live with my mum. She was still smoking outside when we first moved in but has now gone to raping outside and done so well.
I think having an honest conversation, especially as you seem to have a good relationship with you mum, is far more beneficial than potentially upsetting her by not speaking the truth and in effect distancing contact with no explanation.
My parents chose their grandkids over smoking, their words, not my intentions. It was the first time they had ever made a change with their smoking i think.

Hi OP, I think a lot of the advice on this thread is quite heartless. Your Mum is a good person who is looking forward to being an involved GP. I wouldn't be cutting her off with no explanation. All my Grandparents smoked. I remember watching the snooker on a black and white TV through a hazy of cigarette and pipe smoke. You couldn't see what was going on at all and I was bored out of my mind. That was 80s childcare for you. Hahaha. I think you need a sit down chat with your Mum and ask her to change her habitats to smoke outside. She might or she might not be able to change. Like pp have suggested meet outside, she could baby sit at yours while you go out. I'm sure you can find a nice way to navigate through this. Good Luck.

Difficult when you’ve had to manage your mums emotions as you are anticipating the fallout as she’s not very emotionally mature. A normal and obvious conversation to some people becomes a big thing for us as we don’t get a normal adult response from the other person.

so people are reflecting that you can’t ask or tell anyone to not do a thing in their own home, it’s their own home and expect them to take any notice. You need to set a boundary as you can’t control her, I won’t be bringing the baby round if you carry on being a smoker. She chooses how to respond to that, her emotions are not yours to manage.

Talk to her. You can’t necessarily tell her but you can talk to her. Tell her what you’ve said here but edited to not make her feel awful. She may recognise how it impacts you and has done all your life.

Presumably, as she does with you now, she will step outside to smoke when she has your DC with her. If she won’t agree to it then you need to discuss with your DH how it will impact her time with DC.

It seems you have a good relationship with your mother and you both want her to have a bond with your DC. Work together to make this work for you both.

I mean, I think it is unreasonable to ask someone to change their behaviour in their own home, but that comes secondary to the fact that I think that it's pointless. After decades as a heavy smoker, smoking indoors, she's really going to to and stand out in the wind and cold for every cigarette? More likely she'll tell you she has, and then it'll be indoors just this once, and then it'll be too wet to go out and then she'll be back to normal. And even if she did not ever have a single other cigarette indoors, the secondhand smoke is imbued into literally everything. The wallpaper, the curtains, the carpets, the walls, the wood of the furniture, the floorboards.

Yes I think its reasonable for you to ask and raise the query

Her home is her home of course, but it would usually and ideally be almost a second home for her grandchild, why would it not usually be a place the child visits fequently and often

Therefore its reasonable to ask.

@Ilovelurchers OP says her mum is a difficult person and they have a volatile relationship

You don't need to ask/tell her to stop. You shouldn't.

You simply lay out the consequences. It's stuff you say you've said before. It's not new information. This time in the context of her granchild's health, and not seeing them as a result. A direct result of her actions.

Honestly I dont know how you havent raised it with her before now.

Regardless of baby coming surely say to your mum that her and her house stinks? If you and your partner avoid it for this reason is it just easier not to say? Like I'm my mum literally stank to the point other people couldnt be near her or in her house I'd 100% have said.

Sometimes that's a truth that needs to be told, even if people get huffy or embarrassed so what it wont kill them.

Just tell her its not healthy for baby and she will need to come to you or meet elsewhere. Also tell her if she smoke she wont be allowed to hold baby without washing hands and changing clothes first. Her house will need completely gutted to get rid of the smell, nicotine seeps into the walls and furniture.

Gosh, I've enabled her because I drive to visit her? This seems rather extreme! Since when are children responsible for the behaviours of their parents? I love my mother, despite her faults, and I keep her in my life because I want her in it. She's mellowed as she's aged and is a generous person. I also still have friends in my home town, so I visit a few times a year because I want to - it's not an inconvenience to me. My mum can and does navigate public transport to come here too, but it's less frequent, and it is easier and quicker to organise meet-ups the other way round. But I can assure you that me driving to her house is not a contributing factor to her entire personality! She's been difficult all my life, I don't think the blame for that falls at my door.

This.

My mum smoked from the age of 21 - 69, including through her pregnancy with me and throughout my childhood. She eventually gave up when my own daughter was a baby.

I would definitely have a calm chat with her, and ask if there's anything you can do to support her if she chooses to give up.

Also be aware that physically and mentally she will be out of sorts for several weeks if she does manage it.

Absolutely this. You have to be crystal clear with her op that even though she didn't for you as a child, you will prioritising your baby's health. If she is only in her 50's, she can't say it wasn't well known then. I get the embarrassment, my parents smoked too and l fucking hated it - still do.

Yes, some people are very fortunate not to have been raised by difficult parents, and it shows in some of the blunter replies! I do love my mum, and I really want her to enjoy the experience of being a GP. But I will always feel the need to tread carefully with her because she does take offence easily and seemingly minor issues can blow up into WW3 (I could start a whole other thread on that haha). She is more mellow now though, and I'm hopeful that being a GP is going to calm her down further.

You’ll have to just spell it out.

No blame falls at your door op.

You’ve been tolerant and considerate and are now thinking of your baby.

Its not your fault she smokes. It’s not your fault it isn’t good for the baby.

I think you have to discuss it very honestly, very lovingly, very frankly.

Im usually the first to get fed up with new mums on here trying to dictate how their DM/MIL interacts with the baby and setting ground rules like “ what brands of clothing MY baby will wear and accept gifts of.”

But this is nothing like that. It’s a genuine concern and you are raising it not to dictate to her but because you want her in your baby’s life.

Could you write an old fashioned letter?!

I would probably sit her down for a frank conversation.

"Mum, we need to discuss something. You know how much I love you, which is why I'm talking to you about this now. I loved the relationship I had with my gran and I love the idea of you and my baby having a close relationship too. The problem is your smoking. I can't have it around my baby. There are known health risks around second hand smoke. I know you go outside when I visit but that doesn't prevent the effects of second hand smoke which will be much more impactful on tiny lungs. There is also this house. It smells of smoke. I can smell it on my clothes and on my skin when I leave. I can't have my baby stinking of smoke. I'm really sorry but it's not something I can allow. I'm really gutted about this but I need to protect my baby. I hope you understand."

Then it's up to her what she does. She can try and clean the house and make positive changes. She can visit you instead, or she can sulk and miss out.

I will say, we bought an ex smokers house and we had to work really hard to get rid of the smell. All the carpets and underlays came up, we steamed the wallpaper off the walls and the ceiling was leaking nicotine. We had every window and door open for a few weeks while we worked. It's a massive, massive job.