To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

[ReadTheBlurb]

My mum, now in her 50s, has been a heavy smoker as long as I can remember. I was embarrassed by it as a teenager because my school uniform always smelled smoky, and people would make comments at school (none of my friends parents smoked then, and actually my DM is the only person I know who smokes to this day). I've never been a smoker myself and I can't stand the smell of stale smoke.

DM knows I dislike it and makes a point of smoking outside when I visit her (she lives alone). But it's really obvious that she smokes indoors the rest of the time. The smell of smoke hits as soon as you walk in the door. Every room smells of it, even those she doesn't use and definitely doesn't smoke in, such as the guest bedroom I sleep in. When she buys gifts, I have to wash them before use because they smell. When I visit her, I have to shower soon as I get home and wash everything I've taken into her house, the smell is so strong (DH avoids visiting her now because he hates it too, and won't come near me until I've showered after a visit). She herself smells very unpleasant, despite trying to mask with gum and perfume.

I'm about to have my first child, her first grandchild, as I'm an only child myself. She's very excited and I know she's picturing the kind of relationship she had with her gran and I had with mine - sleepovers at hers and quality time together just the two of them. And selfishly, I hope for the same thing, so that DH and I can catch the odd break and enjoy time together! But, I really hate the idea of my child going into a smoky environment, both for health reasons and the practical/aesthetic issue of everything being smelly and needing washing after every visit.

DM clearly doesn't realise that it smells and is "noseblind" to it; if she did, she wouldn't bother to go outside to smoke in my presence, and she obviously thinks she's being courteous to me by doing so. I'm sure she would do the same when her grandchild visits. But the problem isn't the fresh smoke, it's the embedded smoke. Would it be unreasonable for me to tell her how bad she and her house smells, and to request that she puts a stop to indoor smoking altogether, as a condition to have her GC in her house? (And if any MNetters agree this is fine, advice on how to handle it sensitively would be appreciated!).

YANBU - a smoky environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.
YABU - it's her house and she's entitled to smoke in it if she chooses.

Surely your friend would have known about the risks of smoking around babies, even if she didn't know the extent of harm caused by second and third-hand smoke? I'm very surprised that she didn't work it out herself over the three years before she spoke to her son about it.

It's difficult because you obviously want your children to have a close relationship with their Grandparents but I think you do need to raise it with her. It's worth emphasising that it's for her health too as you want her to be around to see your children grow up. Would she be open to switching to vaping? That's something you could explore with her and support her in.

Can she get public transport?;MIL gets the train and bus to see us and she is 80. We also go and see her but means it's not always us.

I agree with others OP. You just have to tell her that all the current research shows that exposing young children to second and third hand smoke is harmful. She’ll obviously say that it didn’t do you any harm, and you can point out that times have changed and advice is different.

Also, she’s only in her 50s. It’s not as if she’s 85 and been smoking for 70 years. She could give up. My Gran smoked from age 16, but still managed to give up at age 60 when my brother was diagnosed with asthma.

You’ve just got to be straight with her. And actually OP, I think you’ll find it easier when your baby is born. The protective instinct is quite overwhelming. Nothing else matters as much.

Nope it didn’t even cross her mind, and between me and her she thinks the dil is over the top with the issue.
She’d never say this aloud though to her dil or her son she has changed her habits.

When your baby arrives the natural instincts to protect them will outweigh the feelings of a woman happy to smoke herself to an early grave..

I think you really just have to tell her how it is.
You simply cannot take your baby into a house where she smokes or let her handle the baby when she has recently smoked.
You never know this could be the incentive for her to give up.
One of my grandchildren has an another grandparent who smokes. The grandchild is not allowed to go to their house. When the grandchild was a baby the grandparent would shower and put on clean clothes, then not smoke before coming over to see the baby. They stayed until they had to smoke and then left. The grandparents accepted this.

Buy her one of those disposable vapes. Have a chat with her about her health. You want her around to see babies grow up. Ask her to please try the vape. She's young enough to try something new.

My mil had a big health scare when I was pregnant with her first grandchild. Alcohol related. She was 64. She stopped drinking and lived another twenty seven years.

Even if she stops smoking indoors her house will still smell of smoke as it will be ingrained into every fibre of everything in there, I used to smoke, gave up, moved house and my sideboard even after 6 years still smelt and everything stored in there ended up still smelling of cigarettes even new things. I think you need to met your mother outside of her house, in cafes or parks and even if she holds the baby she will transfer the smell on to them.

With all respect, though, you will still be inflicting third-hand smoke on your child — smokers’ clothes and bodies smell very strongly, and it’s not something smoking outside or chewing gum can combat.

If I were still in touch with my mother, I wouldn’t want her holding my baby without showering and changing her clothes — it really does smell that bad, and it clings to everything it touches.

Agree you can’t tell someone not to smoke in their own home, but I can’t fathom why smokers won’t stop for the sake of the kids. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way they won’t be impacted.

Yes I fully agree that it's better to tell her why I dislike going to her house than to just stop visits after the baby is born without explanation. And at least then she has an informed choice to make over her future behaviour.

Do it now, tell her now, then you can see how she acts and reacts. But your boundaries are resolute.

I wonder if a lot of posters have misunderstood my question, which was if I'd be unreasonable to ASK her to stop smoking - perhaps some have read it as can I TELL her to stop smoking at home? As 37% so far have said it is an unreasonable ask - I'm intrigued if those individuals therefore think I just shouldn't mention it at all? Or maybe some posters think it is unreasonable to ask, but that it's fine to be unreasonable in this circumstance?! 🤣

Make sure you spell out it isn't because you ', don't like it' it's because being around smoke becomes a SIDS risk and surely dm doesn't want that?

I mean, she’s addicted to nicotine- she’s not stupid!!!!

No, you cannot ask her to not smoke in her own house. It’s her home and she can do what she likes in it.
You can say that you don’t wish to take the baby round due to the second hand smoke and have to accept that you might not get the childcare you want because it’s unlikely she’ll give up any time soon.

The responses to this thread are bizarre. The universal assumption seems to be that because she is a smoker, your mom must by definition be some kind of evil bitch who will prioritise smoking indoors over her grandchild.

She sounds like a nice person who you have a good relationship with. She is already happy to go outside to smoke when you visit. I am sure she will understand if you explain to her politely and kindly. I wouldn't go on about the smell to be honest. (And while it's not a great smell, I do think your husband is being a little OTT to refuse to even come near you until you shower after you have visited - I am surprised the transfered smell is so strong that he simply can't endure it). I would major on the health issues. She is not stupid, she will be aware of them anyway. You aren't even asking her to quit - just to smoke outside, which isn't an enormous ask - I would definitely do it. Much better than simply deciding to never visit her, without even mentioning what the issue is - that's mad advice!

She isn't going to be doing any childcare as such. She still works full time and is a good decade off retirement age, so that isn't an option. But she's expressed excitement about being a Grandma and regularly mentions how she loved her sleepovers at her gran's and how much I loved them at mine. It's her with the vision of grandma/grandchild time at her house. Obviously DH and I would benefit from that too, but I'm not trying to come at this from a selfish angle of "we'll be disadvantaged if we can't palm the kid off on her". The baby will have DH's parents as GPs too. My mum will, however, definitely be upset if GC is allowed to have sleepovers at my PILs and not hers.

It’s not that a smoky environment is “horrible and not suitable for a child” it’s that smoke particles are dangerous to the health of babies and are linked to a range of risks including SIDS. My dad was a smoker, but I had a conversation with him during my pregnancy and he gave up so that he could spend time with my DC when they were born. If your mum is unable to give up, she’ll need to shower and wear fresh clothes before visiting, and you shouldn’t take the baby to her house. You can’t force her to stop smoking in her own home if she doesn’t want to, but you can refuse to expose your baby to it by not taking it into that environment.

Of course. The mom might not realise how bad it is. I'd just tread carefully, don't make it sound like a demand iyswim. She might be 100% willing to smoke outside all the time if it means a better relationship with her GC.

I agree. My heavy smoking mother (she smoked in the house all the time when I was growing up) managed to stop before my brother had his children and as a result, she was able to have them round regularly,which she loved.

Unfortunately, she wasn't able to see the eldest get her GCSE results, A level or degrees (the younger one was 11 at this time, so she's missed all of her academic milestones, too) as she died from lung cancer the year my niece turned 16. In her just months of life she was bedridden - and told me she knew she'd shortened her own life by smoking.

It sucks. We have this in our family. My parents both smoke but have never smoked in doors and were always seen as eccentric because of it back when I was a kid and smoking was normalised. My mother can not stand bad smells in the home but foesnt realise she still stinks of cigs. We made it clear that if wither of them smoked they had to wash their hands and wait at least 30 mins before handling the babies/kids. End of.

My husbands step mom smokes, in her apartment and constantly. Windows do occasionally get opened. If we come by she smokes in the kitchen as a comprise. The kids aren't allowed into hers. End of. We meet near hers and fil's (he doesn't smoke). We go to restaurants or for picnics in the park or on the common.

She will not visit us at ours because we don't allow smoking in doors. Everyone had accepted her choice and ours.

It was definitely uncomfortable but we laid out the facts clearly and factually. And made thise our reasons we would keep our kids away from cigarette smoke. It has over the years caused some tension and made certain family occasions difficult on both sides of the family but we're sticking to it and they stick to their preferences.

We would never ask her not to smoke in her own home, we don't have that right. She also doesn't have a right to open access to our kids or to change our opinion. Both sets of family understand that their choice has limited what and how they can spend time with the grandkids. We have accepted this as well. We don't have the kids away foe weekends on evenings because of this. It's a choice ypu have to make but I'm afraid you can't have it 100% your way. You have to choose, whether being in smoking environment or free time is more important to you.

Live and own your decision. No one can help you navigate this. This one is on you both as parents.

OP…your mum is still young…50s…she’s MORE than capable of getting on a bus or train to visit you.

The issue is, you’ve enabled her ‘victim’ mentality by never expecting her to put herself out and visit you!

Many, many posters on here will be similar ages (or, like me, very much older!) and will be wondering what the hell being in her fifties and living in ‘another town’ has to do with anything. Sure, she can’t drive, but she can sort out a journey ffs!

You are making this so much harder than it needs to be 🤷‍♀️

You can ask but it takes more than that for an addict to give up their habit. Maybe have a conversation about WHY she smokes, what triggers her so she needs to light up? Ask how best you can support her to give up. Giving up any addictive habit requires a lot of inner strength and hard work, which for many is quite scary.

OP I think the voting answers are skewed a bit because your poll options don’t particularly make sense, you’ve said:

YANBU - a smoky environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.
YABU - it's her house and she's entitled to smoke in it if she chooses.

Both of those things can be true at the same time, they not exclusive, so I wouldn’t know which way to vote because yes it is her house and she is entitled to smoke in there if she chooses to, but also yes a smokey environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.

Really your AIBU is- would it be unreasonable to tell my mum that I will not bring my baby to a house where she smokes? That would have been clearer, because no that’s not unreasonable at all.

You can tell her you won’t be bringing any child to her house whilst she is still smoking, she can then make the decision whether she carries on smoking. However, smoking doesn’t seem to be the only problem and I wouldn’t be keen on her babysitting/having little one for a sleepover because of her attitude and behaviour