Page 9 | DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

Gf347 · 2025-04-27T07:14:21+00:00

DD (in high school) was very good friends with a girl last year but the friendship made her very unhappy. Has since managed tio distance herself from the girl and is feeling much happier. Fast forward and her bday party is coming up and she doesn’t want to invite this girl. She feels bad though as this girl doesn’t really have any friends and DD will also be inviting everyone else from her friendship group so it would be obvious she is excluded. WWYD?

LittlePudding1 · 27/04/2025 17:55

Fgs don’t make your dd invite someone to her party that makes her unhappy, this is teaching her to be a doormat and not prioritise herself and her own feelings.
She would be better not having a party than having a party that is not going to be enjoyable

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 27/04/2025 18:59

RollingCottageBlue · 27/04/2025 17:02

I agree with the not leaving out one in this case person and am glad op's dd has changed her mind.

Having such expert opinions on this thread, what about the following scenario (not trying to derail but it's an interesting conversation, and Op has come to a resolution for her dilemma).

In a hobby group of six, how reasonable is it to invite only five, specifically those who regularly respond to or engage with your invitations to socialise outside of the hobby? Especially if you've already included all six in previous parties and other activities, but the sixth person has never reciprocated or shown much interest but you get on well enough with them during the hobby? Do people feel it's ok not to extend an invite to hobby friend no.6 if they have never ever met up outside of the hobby and if you have invited them to your parties and get-togethers but never been invited back? Wondering.

Edited

In this case I would still keep inviting the person because they show up.

An invite (imo) doesn’t need to be met with reciprocation every time. There might be any number of reasons person #6 doesn’t invite back. They may not have the means or the space. But in that case yeah.

In this case I just find it different because if she’s not part of the group anymore and DD doesn’t like her, then don’t. But obviously also don’t make a big show out of inviting everyone else under the sun.

ToWhitToWhoo · 27/04/2025 19:17

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:12

I no more expect a child/teenager to spend their special day with someone they don’t like than I’d expect an adult to.
It’s odd to me that this even comes up, the idea that any child or young person should compromise their own special event just to keep someone else happy.

The point is that it's not just a question of not inviting someone to a party, but of publicly snubbing and humiliating them by excluding them from an event that everyone else in their group is attending.

Adults, who are no longer attending school, are less likely to be having that sort of single-group-based party. However, it does happen with extended-family events, and such exclusion hurts adults as well. MN is absolutely full of threads where people are expressing distress that they or their children have not been invited to a family member's or in-law's big party or wedding.

whynotwhatknot · 27/04/2025 20:11

we invited who we wanted at that age parents had nothing to do with it its not like the whole class is going exept her

MrsSunshine2b · 27/04/2025 20:29

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 17:11

And you sound like the sort of parent who’d insist their child swallow down their own discomfort in order to keep the peace.
I know which of our children will be better at protecting their own boundaries in later life…

Show quote history

And I know which one will show empathy and caring to other humans, and will have more friends once the weird bubble of high school politics has been left behind.

Myoldbear · 27/04/2025 20:53

I think you and your daughter have made the right choice and I hope her party goes really well.

Goldengirl123 · 28/04/2025 09:12

I have asked what the behaviour problems are

jcsc · 28/04/2025 18:26

Does this other girl have asd or on the spectrum somewhere. This can portray that kind of social awkwardness. My DD is crap at social awareness and I dread this happening to her. It’s make me feel sick that she could be in this situation and being excluded through no fault of her own.
I would invite her personally and I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of how this girl would feel being the only one not invited and your DD would have a lesson in being the bigger person. If she’s not toxic she’s not going to ruin the party. She may not even accept the invitation

Shamsie24 · 28/04/2025 19:25

IsThisLifeNow · 27/04/2025 08:19

At that age it's up to her imo, they aren't little kids anymore

"They're not little kids anymore" - well her DD should stop acting like one then. Excluding one young girl in front of all her peers isn't going to improve the situation for anyone. I would never allow my child to single out one of her group - it's mean-spirited to say the least and you shouldn't be condoning this. She looks to you for leadership, show some.

Shamsie24 · 28/04/2025 19:27

It's one girl who she isn't fond of - not a horde! If the presence of the girl is going to ruin the entire party the DD isn't very mature. It's a good life lesson - she may end up working with people she doesn't necessarily like.

Shamsie24 · 28/04/2025 19:30

By not inviting her, your DD is looking selfish and petty.

Horses7 · 28/04/2025 21:22

You should talk to your daughter about how the other girl will feel if not invited. How would your daughter feel if it happened to her?
Personally I couldn’t knowingly hurt someone like this and I’d hope I’d brought my daughter up to feel the same.

Rosejasmine · 29/04/2025 07:53

It’s your DDs choice at high school age. It’s horrible to be excluded - it’s happened to one of my kids, but that’s the way it is.

Myoldbear · 29/04/2025 08:27

OP has said that her daughter is inviting the girl.

MrsSunshine2b · 29/04/2025 09:53

jcsc · 28/04/2025 18:26

Does this other girl have asd or on the spectrum somewhere. This can portray that kind of social awkwardness. My DD is crap at social awareness and I dread this happening to her. It’s make me feel sick that she could be in this situation and being excluded through no fault of her own.
I would invite her personally and I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of how this girl would feel being the only one not invited and your DD would have a lesson in being the bigger person. If she’s not toxic she’s not going to ruin the party. She may not even accept the invitation

Edited

I went through all of secondary school never being invited to parties. Sometimes the whole year group was, except me. I had one every year and invited other people but never got invited back. On GCSE results night I found out there was a party a few doors down and asked if I could come, and the attendees held a vote, which went against me. I will never forget how worthless I felt that night.

I wasn't a bully, I wasn't unkind to anyone, I was just neurodivergent, awkward, a bit immature, physically disabled and weird looking due to childhood illness.

Jokes on them, I blossomed, had a modelling career, lived abroad, now have a happy family and friends. But those scars run very deep. I would be so devastated if it happened to my daughter but even more if she did it to someone else.

jcsc · 29/04/2025 10:34

MrsSunshine2b · 29/04/2025 09:53

I went through all of secondary school never being invited to parties. Sometimes the whole year group was, except me. I had one every year and invited other people but never got invited back. On GCSE results night I found out there was a party a few doors down and asked if I could come, and the attendees held a vote, which went against me. I will never forget how worthless I felt that night.

I wasn't a bully, I wasn't unkind to anyone, I was just neurodivergent, awkward, a bit immature, physically disabled and weird looking due to childhood illness.

Jokes on them, I blossomed, had a modelling career, lived abroad, now have a happy family and friends. But those scars run very deep. I would be so devastated if it happened to my daughter but even more if she did it to someone else.

Show quote history

Oh this is just awful to hear what you went through. It’s just so unkind of them and mean, like social torture.
my DD really struggles socially and will be going secondary in a couple of years and this fills me with dread.
im pleased to hear your life turned around despite the trauma from school.