DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

[Gf347]

DD (in high school) was very good friends with a girl last year but the friendship made her very unhappy. Has since managed tio distance herself from the girl and is feeling much happier. Fast forward and her bday party is coming up and she doesn’t want to invite this girl. She feels bad though as this girl doesn’t really have any friends and DD will also be inviting everyone else from her friendship group so it would be obvious she is excluded.

WWYD?

So OP's DD has to invite someone she dislikes and who makes her unhappy to her birthday? What kind of lesson does that teach her?

If the other girl is part of the group, and the only one from the group not invited, it will reflect badly on your DD. It is mean girl stuff, and her friends will think badly of your DD.

Not to be a mean girl.

High school friendship groups tend to be 5 to 8 kids. If the OP’s daughter invites 6 out of the 7, what message is she sending?

When this happened in DC’s group, two didn’t show up and went out with the excluded teen instead. They saw it as bullying.

It's not "being a mean girl" not to want to socialise with someone who makes you unhappy and who you have fallen out with.

If someone was making you unhappy, would you carry on hanging out with them anyway?

But then DD needs to be prepared for any consequences. Also needs to be prepared for it to happen to her at one point.

Shes still a child and still needs moral guidance and modelling. I’d be heavily encouraging her to be kind and invite her. It’s a life lesson (as long as other girl isn’t horrible to her).

I thought it was going to be a Primary School party. At this age she can invite exactly who she wants. It’s nice that she feel sympathetic but it’s not her job to make the other girl happy, especially if she doesn’t even like her.

No, I’d make different plans for my birthday than inviting everyone except one in my supposed “friendship group”. Like out with my two best friends or something.

This girl and the OP’s daughter are supposedly part of the same group of mates. She risks making the rest of her friends think badly of her if she invites all but one. That would have a much bigger impact than one girl at a party.

It’s not hanging out long term. It’s a one-off event where everyone else is invited. It’s about realising how being left out could impact this girl and having some grace and being kind. Treating others how you would like to be treated.

OP doesn’t say why her DD found the girl not good to be around. She may be lovely, just not her cup of tea and cumulatively to is made her unhappy.

Kindness is so important in society generally, why wouldn’t you teach your child to act with kindness?

Yep, and that's your decision to make, just like this is the DD's decision to make. She's in secondary now - it's up to her how she chooses to spend her birthday.

It’s not about that though. It’s about not being blatantly unkind. And obviously it is unkind otherwise OP wouldn’t be questioning it.

Because I don't believe people have a duty to "be kind" to others when they make them unhappy.

Do you not guide your secondary children then? What abstract age do you just stop morally guiding and supporting your children then?

Wanting your teenage daughter be unkind isn’t good parenting. Just because she’s a teenager doesn’t mean mum just sits by and watches poor behaviour because it’s “her decision”

Selfish then? She obviously found the friend fine if she was good friends over a longer period of time. It’s fine she wanted to distance the relationship but leaving her out of a group event is unkind and cruel. Can’t you see that?

You can guide but you can't force anything.

I also don't believe this is poor behaviour. I personally get a bit sick of people being told to "be kind" to people who are not nice to them. It's too "people pleasing" to me and often leads to people being walked over.

As an adult I wouldn't spend time with someone I disliked or who made me unhappy. I would expect a teenager to be able to make the same decision.

We don't know how close the rest of the group are to this girl. It's an assumption that they all like her and are close to her.

Teenage girls often have lots of friends across different groups and should be able to understand that they don't get an invite to everything. Maybe this girl doesn't even want to be invited to the DD's birthday if they're no longer close?

Do you often invite people you dislike or that have been horrible to you to your birthday parties/events?

No, as ex friend is part of the group, I wouldn't exclude her, it is just getting one up really.
Obviously it is DD choice.

This. Your OP doesnt make any sense at all. If this girl is indeed part of the friendship group then she does indeed have friends and if she isnt and doesnt then why would your DD need to invite her in the first place? she's simply someone she knows and not a "friend".

If she IS in the friendship group and your daughter excludes her then thats her choice but be prepared for the potential consequences which your daughter may not like very much.

That isn't what I said is it ?

If this girl is still in her friendship group, then I’m assuming they hang out regularly at school and at other social events. If your daughter feels bad about not inviting her cause she doesn’t have any other friends, then she may as well just invite her, seeing as she clearly hangs out with her a lot anyway? So not sure what difference a birthday party makes.

You said that if she excludes her, it's passive bullying.

So what do you think she should do? Invite her anyway even though she dislikes her and she makes her unhappy? Change her birthday to avoid offending someone she doesn't even like?

So much people-pleasing going on here.

To clarify- the friendship group was 6 girls but only one other girl in the group is still friends with her, the others have also distanced themselves due to her behaviour. DD does feel bad as this girl hasn’t moved on and made other friends yet

…as far as I can see, you get one of these outcomes:

DD doesn’t invite her, invites the rest of the group, nobody says anything, things carry on as they are now.

DD doesn’t invite her, the rest of the group feel sorry for the excluded girl, think your daughter has been mean, and their behaviour towards your daughter changes.

DD does invite her, and has someone she doesn’t really want at her party.

Depends on the stable the group is. If you have ever studied Drama Triangles, you DD is currently in the middle of one.

I don't think your DD has any reason to feel bad. If four out of five in the group are no longer friends with this girl, she maybe needs to have a think about her behaviour!

Given it's secondary school, I would leave it up to the birthday girl, she's old enough to know who she wants to invite, and I wouldn't be getting involved