DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

[Gf347]

DD (in high school) was very good friends with a girl last year but the friendship made her very unhappy. Has since managed tio distance herself from the girl and is feeling much happier. Fast forward and her bday party is coming up and she doesn’t want to invite this girl. She feels bad though as this girl doesn’t really have any friends and DD will also be inviting everyone else from her friendship group so it would be obvious she is excluded.

WWYD?

I would encourage my dd to not leave one person out.

If your daughter has agreed to this then it could possibly mean that the girl in question has not done anything to deserve the nastiness that is being shown to her by your daughter and her friends and that they are actually just being mean girl bullies

I presume your daughter had no valid reason for not wanting the girl there other than she doesn’t like her and neither does her friends therefore your daughter is concerned about her own popularity ( herd mentality)

If your daughter had a valid reason for disliking the girl then you would not be inviting her

I would not. As you say, others in the group have had problems with this girl and the girl is already somewhat disengaged from the group. This is a step backwards, in the wrong direction after your daughter has already been through a lot with this girl and gone through the effort to get rid of her. Also, we learn social consequences by receiving them as is appropriate. And "groups" evolve and change rapidly anyway, especially with teenagers. It's not like you're talking about a group of sisters.

How will you feel if the girl then starts hounding your daughter to be closer again or acts up and ruins your daughter's party?

I think you are overthinking this. Just don't invite her and don't worry about it.

I no more expect a child/teenager to spend their special day with someone they don’t like than I’d expect an adult to.
It’s odd to me that this even comes up, the idea that any child or young person should compromise their own special event just to keep someone else happy.

Why do I keep picturing Muriel’s Wedding, and the Island Holiday trip ….

Exactly. I'm beginning to think this too. No mention has been made of her bullying your daughter, simply that your daughter is "unhappy". Why?

If you cant be clear about what it is exactly this girl has done to your daughter then how can people give a proper response??

I described DD's situation a few pages back. Tbh I think her card was marked earlier on, about a year before. One slightly peripheral group member (Anna) became friends with a girl and invited her to join their table at lunch. This new girl - let's call her Sophie - was "uncool" in some way. Having since met her it's immediately obvious that she is ND (I work with autistic kids). DD's friends appeared fearful of "uncool by association" and immediately began ostracizing Anna and Sophie, as in, getting up from the lunch table and moving away, running away when she tried to walk home with them etc. My DD was in bits about this as she said, Sophie didn't deserve it and had done nothing wrong. DD walked home with the group and managed to navigate the friendship for another year, sitting with Anna and Sophie at lunch (because she refused to switch tables when S and A had done nothing wrong) and walking to and from school with her "friends" group. However fast forward a year and she was poorly, quieter and walking slowly and the Queen Bee obviously decided to orchestrate another girl out - though to be fair they never ran off when DD came near like they did with Sophie, they just stopped inviting her to things.

Her refusal to join in with a gang mentality against a girl who may have been a bit awkward but who wasn't unkind or unpleasant is one of the things I am the most proud of her about.

Another year on and DD has a wonderful group of real friends. She took great comfort in me telling her something I read on here, actually - "friends are usually friends for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime". Her previous group were friends for a season; and that's ok. Her current group feels like many of them will be friends for a lifetime.

I think it sounds beastly. It's up to your daughter in a way, but I would take a very dim view of both of you for excluding one girl out of a whole group. A few girls did this to my daughter, and it affected both of us for years, you put on a brave face, best foot forward and all that but it is a form of bullying and social exclusion and it could encourage others to do the same.

I think everyone is invited or no one is invited is always a good simple policy, it makes you look magnanimous, generous and above all the nonsense .

I think its important at this age that a child can say this other child made me unhappy and I don't want to be around them - its learning to define boundaries and not be a people pleaser.

What is the "behaviour"?

Is she actively cruel and abusive? Does she tell lies, stir up gossip and manipulate people? Or is she just immature/ odd/ neurodivergent/ a bit confrontational?

but it really comes down to what this girl has done to be pushed out of the group. And that’s an unknown.

See, I'm just not all convinced it really matters that much. Nobody has to be friends with another person if they don't want to be - whether that's because they're a bully, controlling, unpleasant or just someone they don't gel with - it's irrelevant, really.

It's the right thing to do

We don't know. Other than she doesn't make the dd happy we don't know why and yes to those asking, it does matter when it comes to being the only one excluded.

Not liking someone is more than valid to not invite that person, though. Why would anyone invite someone they dislike?

@Gf347 without knowing what’s causing all this it’s difficult to advise. I probably would just stay out of it as it’s a teenage issue.

I'm a bit surprised by all the people saying invite her to be kind.

As an adult, would YOU want to get an invite somewhere even though the person didnt really want you there and only did it because they felt sorry for you?

I literally cant think of anything bloody worse than awkwardly being somewhere that noone wanted me at, whilst they were all chatting away and I was some kind of spare part, tacked on to the end of it due to sheer pity.

Literally noone would have a good time in a scenario like that- and I dont think for one moment anyone would willingly choose that over simply not going in the first place. Either invite someone because you like their company and enjoy spending time with them, or dont.

I would argue that trying to have it both ways is FAR crueller to the person than simply not inviting them in the first place.

'Not liking someone is more than valid to not invite that person, though. Why would anyone invite someone they dislike?'

No one is suggesting invite any old Tom Dick or Harry and it doesn't matter if they don't like them.

The situation is she is, for now, part of the small friendship group. To exclude only one over vague 'doesn't make the op's dd happy' reason seems odd.

Anyway the op's had a rethink and they're inviting.

Not liking someone is more than valid to not invite that person, though

Agree, however the reason for the dislike was not made clear therefore could actually be founded on absolutely nothing and could possibly be just bullying and excluding

Thats what commenters were trying to get to the bottom of

So it’s ok to bully someone you don’t like? And exclude them from the wider group?

Given that this sounds like an established group, they’ve already been friends for a while. it’s not some random kid being forced on them.

I also can’t think of a group in my adult life that’s bigger than 2 people where there hasn’t been some dynamic where not everyone is equally close, or there’s been some friction with some people.

absolutely teach your DDs to define boundaries and not people please, but in the real world ( work, university, friends groups) there’s always going to be frictions, disagreements and changing group dynamics.

If OP’s DD was nasty and a bully she wouldn’t give this other girl a second thought, much less feel bad about it and discuss it with her mother and ask for advice/opinion. Or agree to invite her anyway at her mother’s insistence.

I imagine op would have said if this were the case. No need to make up your own fairy tales.

As an adult - yes you’re right.

but teenagers actually need some guidance on how to manage social situations. They often opt for the nuclear option. You don’t have to fall out with everyone you don’t agree with or are different from.

there’s a reason this kind of thing doesn’t happen as much among older people. It’s because we learn to be more accommodating of each other’s differences. Not because we’re all people pleasers!

if this was an adult posting about her friendship group, we’d all be telling the OP to grow up. That’s because cutting a friend out because she doesn’t fit your vibe is deeply immature

teenage girls can make other teenage girls lives hellish. I don’t feel like the OP has been particularly clear. This girl wouldn’t even be in the picture if she doesn’t hang around with the group in some way.

Op this friendship might fizzle out on its own, but I think pp are right if she isn't invited then it's going to be your Dd that is bad guy, and it is possible that it will blow up in your Dds face.

It appears that she (daughter) did not want to invite her but didn’t really have a valid reason for doing so therefore her mother talked her round
The OP has been pretty scant on the actual details for the reason for dislike though

Not the person you replied to but I wouldn't invite all but one member of a social group, no. That's pretty basic etiquette.