DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

[Gf347]

DD (in high school) was very good friends with a girl last year but the friendship made her very unhappy. Has since managed tio distance herself from the girl and is feeling much happier. Fast forward and her bday party is coming up and she doesn’t want to invite this girl. She feels bad though as this girl doesn’t really have any friends and DD will also be inviting everyone else from her friendship group so it would be obvious she is excluded.

WWYD?

No - you don’t. But empathy isn’t something you ‘give’ to the other person.

it’s actually just useful for understanding why that person makes you unhappy.

having empathy can completely turn around a situation.

This girl might be awful. Equally, she may be lovely but has fallen foul of teen politics.

OP’s update doesn’t really make it clearer. Were told only one girl is friends with the unwanted one, but the others have distanced themselves. But this girl hasn’t got the message yet. It sounds like she is being pushed out of her friendship group.

I’d say OP is getting half the story, and MN is getting a part of that.

yes - she can invite who she wants, she can spend time with who she wants. But she’s effectively being the one to ostracise this girl ( the others haven’t - even if they claim to not be friends)

OP- your DD should be aware that she ends up being painted as the bad one who chucked this girl out of the group.

it would be wise to invite her if the group is still
officially including all of them.

What about going to school?
Being polite and respectful to other people?
Saving money / spending sensibly?
Meet you for a lift home as agreed, rather than accept one from the gorgeous 30 year old man that she really wants to get to know better?

Bit of a silly stance to take. There are plenty of times when a teenage girl should do things she doesn’t want to.

yes - she can invite who she wants, she can spend time with who she wants. But she’s effectively being the one to ostracise this girl ( the others haven’t - even if they claim to not be friends)

Where does it say that?

The OP’s latest update- which is still rather vague.

but the key point is they all still hang out together.

OP’s DD has said the following:

the girl is only friends ( ie - liked) with one of the group.

the OP and three others claim not to like her.

The girl hasn’t ’moved on’ from the group, which suggests they are all being a bit 2 faced about it and this girl isn’t aware she is so disliked.

I’d guess from this, that the other 3 don’t have the stomach to kick her out the group and so have left it to OP’s DD to wield the knife.

she can if she wants, but she’ll piss off the friend who likes the ‘unwanted’ friend. And the other 3 could all turn on her later.

as a former teenage girl, I’m just saying that being the one to blatantly exclude this girl could come back to haunt her. OP’s DD may find herself having to grovel to this girl if she gets kicked out of the group.

From the other perspective:

“Dd was part of a friendship group. One of the girls decided that she didn’t like her anymore and stopped including her. A few others followed suit, although one girl is still friendly with her. She has no other friendship group to join, has lost her confidence and is sad and lonely. Meanwhile, the other girls are organising fun outings & generally excluding her. “

Did anything happen to cause a fall out? If not, then it most certainly is passive bullying. Teen Girls often follow the group leader and can be very mean without realising the consequences. Your post was vague about how she made your dd unhappy.

If the other girl was being unkind to your dd, then fair enough, don’t include her.

@Verydemure it could come back to haunt her, but so could faking a friendship with someone she doesn't like.

Ultimately I just don't think we should be telling our daughters that it's their job to smooth things over and to stop other people from getting their feelings hurt - especially when those people have made us unhappy.

Who said force? Of course you can’t force. We’re talking about how a parent encourages their child to navigate a social situation which could be very hurtful to a teenage girl.

Being kind has nothing to do with a “be kind” movement. Kindness is a normal emotion humans intrinsically hold but sometimes need support to nurture. It’s easier to be selfish but nothing good comes from being selfish. Kindness is my number one lesson for my kids, it’s a quality that will serve them well in life.

For me, kindness doesn't mean you have invite people you dislike to your birthday party.

It's also not selfish to say you don't want to spend time with someone who makes you unhappy.

It is still unclear what this girl has done to make DD unhappy and how this friendship group works with the girl only being friends with 1 of a "group"of 5. It is very tricky OP, your DD risks creating quite a bit of drama here and losing her own friends.

Can you explain how they work as a group?
If the girl spends time with that 1 away from the others, fine To exclude. If she's just perched next to that girl while they sit as a 6, not fine to exclude.
If there has been an actual behaviour discussion and the girl refused to change then doesn't speak with OP DD, then fine To exclude. If she's (more likely) spoken to as normal without some secrets but is being kept in the dark about the issue, then not fine to exclude.

Deleting accidental double-post.

This would be my position too. I’d never facilitate my child causing hurt to another child like that. I just don’t get the selfish attitude of people.

There is still not enough context here! OP's posts are all very vague about the "behaviour" exhibited by this girl.

Eg. If by behaviour, you mean this girl has bullied or been vile or mean to your daughter then NO, absolutely no way would I be inviting her. I was bullied at school, and hell would have frozen over before I invited any of the girls who made my school life a living hell to my party

If, on the other hand you mean, this girl is merely shy, quiet, or a bit socially awkward but has generally been nice/kind to your daughter, then thats very different and not a very kind thing for your daughter to do.

Lots of details are missing here which is why people are all giving opposing views.

I don't think that's what the OP said though, she's not managing the friendship whilst still being in a group.

Ultimately it’s her choice, but actions have consequences. She may be later kicked out of the friendship group for whatever reason, or only be clinging on to it by one friend. If the shoe was on the other foot how would she feel? The other girl may not care and may not even go anyway, sounds like she’s aware of the situation and only sits with them at school or whatever for survival purposes. Would the other girls turn on her if she was invited? Did she bully your DD or be a mean girl towards her in the past? If this friend is around her at school and of no real consequence other than they’ve drifted apart or not each others cup of tea, then i don’t see how it’s such a big deal to have her there. However it depends what the activity is - sleep over at your house, maybe not. Day out somewhere fun, probably not as big a deal.

⬆️⬆️ this with bells on

Kindness hapoens at other places. When you struggle with a friendship and you try to understand what’s going on, make amend, have hard conversation, accommodate (within your own limits), don’t judge etc….

But someone you dint like? Someone that makes you unhappy? You dint have to ‘be kind’ and include them sorry.
Just like you dint have to carry on with ANY relationship that makes you unhappy because the other person ‘is struggling/would be really upset etc…’

It is absolutely unkind to exclude just one person out of a group. That kind of behaviour can cause significant pain/ hurt to the individual excluded (there is an evolutionary basis to this- we are biologically programmed to find exclusion/ rejection from the social group painful). Knowingly causing significant hurt to another person just because you want to is unkind behaviour.

Amazed at how many responders are encouraging you to a) let her decide and b) encouraging your DD to leave her out.

Firstly, at high school, young people still need guidance to do the right thing, and this is an opportunity to show maturity, empathy and how not to be a bully/mean girl as others have said.

Secondly, you have no idea what this other girl is going through to behave the way she is. Being the one who's left out is hugely hurtful and can really affect people. It's simply a nasty thing to do and I don't think your daughter should be guided that this is ok. This is a great opportunity for her to learn how to tackle a situation like this. And if she does go ahead and exclude, then she'll have no leg to stand on if she is, one day, the one who is excluded.

This

OP’s two posts (as I write) are very opaque.

If this girl has become a bully to OP’s DD then of course she need not be included. For all we know, however, she could just be depressed and have a tendency to negativity that, understandably, the other girls don’t like. In this case an invite might mean a great deal to her and exclusion might hurt very badly. Or perhaps ‘her behaviour’ that they don’t like is something that doesn’t even involve them. For example, the group could be judging her sexual behaviour, or rumours thereof.

If the girl hasn’t acted badly to OP’s DD and does hang out with the group then excluding her is a Mean Girl move. These do tend to rebound.

Except it's not clear that they are a group.

OP says they were a group of six originally, but that now, only one other girl from the group is still friendly with the one the DD doesn't want to invite.

I still maintain that it shouldn't be down to OP's daughter to smooth things over with someone who doesn't make her happy. That's not being unkind - it's natural consequences.

And yes, I've been the one to be excluded before. Is it nice? No. But that's life, you can't protect people from hurt and upset constantly.

Why would you invite someone who you’re not friends with? This is where it all went wrong with ‘be kind’

This sounds like standard classic mean girls teen politics to me, as the girl is still in the group and they all still hang out together, so yes it would very mean to leave her out.

What behaviour are you referring to? It would help if you elaborated, as it’s hard to make a judgement call based on such scant information.

I have always encouraged my dc to have autonomy and make difficult and unpopular decisions at time re friendships, but I could never support bullying by exclusion, which is what this is.

Op watch out your dd could be next, groups have a tendency to blow up at this age, I would be advising my dc not to get involved with the unkindness and politics. Try to remain on good/reasonable terms with everyone.

She needs to have eyes wide open that there may be long term consequences (that may not occur to her now) to deal with for her and other girls. Sometimes when people are in a position of power, they forget that the people they excluded can impact them in other ways down the line. For example, will this girl feel bullied by this and then your daughter may need to deal with that label long term?

This happened to DD (then 13) last year, only not over a party but a special outing. They had all been talking about going on a special outing, like a picnic, DD actually started this chat by saying how lovely it would be to go on this sort of trip, all agreed, excited planning took place. Then DD found out the group had all gone on the picnic and not invited her. They even shared photos on the group chat. She was heartbroken. Turned out one particular girl organized it and left DD out and the others didn't really realize or thought she just couldn't come or whatever, not sure. But anyway it resulted in DD splitting with that entire group of 5 or 6 girls.

DD's "crime" was that she was in the early stages of a Crohn's flare, not feeling great, and a bit quiet overall in consequence. I think the ringleader (who has form for excluding people) thought she was being snooty.

Teen girls can be really nasty. I would be a bit hesitant to not invite just one of a group, but I guess it's up to you. How much harm could she cause as part of a wider group?

It depends a bit on what 'making her unhappy' means. If the other girl has been actively bullying her, then I think it's fair to exclude her. If it's just that she's too needy, socially awkward or gloomy, then I think it would be unfair and somewhat cruel to exclude her in an obvious way (and may also set a precedent for how the others in the friendship group may treat your dd if there's ever a falling-out). I think that if it wasn't bullying, your dd should either invite the whole friendship group or just a couple of them.