Page 8 | DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

Gf347 · 2025-04-27T07:14:21+00:00

DD (in high school) was very good friends with a girl last year but the friendship made her very unhappy. Has since managed tio distance herself from the girl and is feeling much happier. Fast forward and her bday party is coming up and she doesn’t want to invite this girl. She feels bad though as this girl doesn’t really have any friends and DD will also be inviting everyone else from her friendship group so it would be obvious she is excluded. WWYD?

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:45

GRex · 27/04/2025 14:46

Clear as a blur in a smudge factory.

Why don't you actually say what it is that they don't like about this girl? Why her "behaviour" makes them "unhappy"? The more you keep wafting veils in front of the supposed problem, the more I think it's likely that your DD and friends are bullying this girl for their own entertainment. This is just phase X in the drama of "Poor us having to navigate dealing with that loser, sigh, we're so cool and brilliant, she isn't good enough for us." Is this really the type of human you wanted to raise?

Edited

Show quote history

It’s this isn’t it. Very clearly. Nice kids.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:47

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:12

I no more expect a child/teenager to spend their special day with someone they don’t like than I’d expect an adult to.
It’s odd to me that this even comes up, the idea that any child or young person should compromise their own special event just to keep someone else happy.

When it’s your child that’s being excluded from people she thought were her friends I wonder how you’ll feel.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 16:48

Gf347 · 27/04/2025 14:34

It’s not like that at all. Many of the girls have spoken to her about how they feel but she has not wanted to move away from the group as currently she has no other friends. Whilst this person is not toxic she has no insight into her behaviour despite the girls discussing this with her. DD does not want to be cruel but feels that she has spent over a year sacrificing her own happiness so that this girl would be happy within the friendship. She has finally been strong enough to prioritise herself.

This doesn’t sound remotely believable, to be perfectly honest.
Load of nonsense.
The girl is part of the friendship group, however “unhappy” that make your Dd.

faerietales · 27/04/2025 16:49

Verydemure · 27/04/2025 16:35

So it’s ok to bully someone you don’t like? And exclude them from the wider group?

Given that this sounds like an established group, they’ve already been friends for a while. it’s not some random kid being forced on them.

I also can’t think of a group in my adult life that’s bigger than 2 people where there hasn’t been some dynamic where not everyone is equally close, or there’s been some friction with some people.

absolutely teach your DDs to define boundaries and not people please, but in the real world ( work, university, friends groups) there’s always going to be frictions, disagreements and changing group dynamics.

Show quote history

It's not bullying not to want to invite someone you dislike to your birthday.

faerietales · 27/04/2025 16:50

hazelnutvanillalatte · 27/04/2025 16:44

Not the person you replied to but I wouldn't invite all but one member of a social group, no. That's pretty basic etiquette.

Show quote history

Except she is not really part of their social group anymore.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:52

What is ‘sacrificing’ her own happiness Op? If she’s so unhappy why doesn’t your DP find someone else to hang around with? Whatever is going on, this girl is still in the friendship group. Why doesn’t your DD leave?

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:53

faerietales · 27/04/2025 16:50

Except she is not really part of their social group anymore.

Show quote history

Except she is because it wouldn’t be a question if she wasn’t.

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:54

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:47

When it’s your child that’s being excluded from people she thought were her friends I wonder how you’ll feel.

Show quote history

How is a child, who treats people in ways that alienate them, going to learn to change their behaviour if there are no social consequences from their actions? They continue to think it’s acceptable because well meaning parents keep insisting their children invite them regardless. With no consideration for how it makes the birthday child feel.
Being excluded by other teenagers is a powerful motivator for a teenage girl to reflect on their behaviour towards others and address the things that are driving others not to enjoy her company.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 16:54

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:52

What is ‘sacrificing’ her own happiness Op? If she’s so unhappy why doesn’t your DP find someone else to hang around with? Whatever is going on, this girl is still in the friendship group. Why doesn’t your DD leave?

Exactly.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 16:56

bluesriff · 27/04/2025 16:29

I'm a bit surprised by all the people saying invite her to be kind.

As an adult, would YOU want to get an invite somewhere even though the person didnt really want you there and only did it because they felt sorry for you?

I literally cant think of anything bloody worse than awkwardly being somewhere that noone wanted me at, whilst they were all chatting away and I was some kind of spare part, tacked on to the end of it due to sheer pity.

Literally noone would have a good time in a scenario like that- and I dont think for one moment anyone would willingly choose that over simply not going in the first place. Either invite someone because you like their company and enjoy spending time with them, or dont.

I would argue that trying to have it both ways is FAR crueller to the person than simply not inviting them in the first place.

How likely is that to be the case?
The girl is part of the social group, not some random hanger on that nobody really wants around.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:58

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:54

How is a child, who treats people in ways that alienate them, going to learn to change their behaviour if there are no social consequences from their actions? They continue to think it’s acceptable because well meaning parents keep insisting their children invite them regardless. With no consideration for how it makes the birthday child feel.
Being excluded by other teenagers is a powerful motivator for a teenage girl to reflect on their behaviour towards others and address the things that are driving others not to enjoy her company.

Show quote history

You’ve got literally no idea what has happened. It could quite easily be a bunch of girls who decide to turn on someone and wait for everyone in their gang to follow suit. It is exactly what happens in teenage friendships and bullying.

The OPs DD doesn’t want to be friends with her but evidently someone does or she wouldn’t still be in that group.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 17:00

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:54

How is a child, who treats people in ways that alienate them, going to learn to change their behaviour if there are no social consequences from their actions? They continue to think it’s acceptable because well meaning parents keep insisting their children invite them regardless. With no consideration for how it makes the birthday child feel.
Being excluded by other teenagers is a powerful motivator for a teenage girl to reflect on their behaviour towards others and address the things that are driving others not to enjoy her company.

Show quote history

You sound like the sort of parent that would overlook their precious child ostracise another child. And wouldn’t care how damaging that is. Unless it was happening to your kid.

RollingCottageBlue · 27/04/2025 17:02

I agree with the not leaving out one in this case person and am glad op's dd has changed her mind.

Having such expert opinions on this thread, what about the following scenario (not trying to derail but it's an interesting conversation, and Op has come to a resolution for her dilemma).

In a hobby group of six, how reasonable is it to invite only five, specifically those who regularly respond to or engage with your invitations to socialise outside of the hobby? Especially if you've already included all six in previous parties and other activities, but the sixth person has never reciprocated or shown much interest but you get on well enough with them during the hobby? Do people feel it's ok not to extend an invite to hobby friend no.6 if they have never ever met up outside of the hobby and if you have invited them to your parties and get-togethers but never been invited back? Wondering.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/04/2025 17:09

I would encourage my daughter to be kind

hazelnutvanillalatte · 27/04/2025 17:11

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:58

You’ve got literally no idea what has happened. It could quite easily be a bunch of girls who decide to turn on someone and wait for everyone in their gang to follow suit. It is exactly what happens in teenage friendships and bullying.

The OPs DD doesn’t want to be friends with her but evidently someone does or she wouldn’t still be in that group.

Show quote history

Exactly...that's exactly how bullying works in female friendship groups. Everything this girl does will become embarrassing/awkward/rude/crazy/weird and it's her own fault because she doesn't fit in and no one likes her. And when she gets upset with her friends acting different or excluding her or talking behind her back, her reaction will further fan the flames. Anyone familiar with this age group will have seen it plenty of times.

RareMaker · 27/04/2025 17:11

It's ok, BUT girls are fickle at this age. There could be a throwback from this. How would DD feel if the roles were reversed.

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 17:11

kirinm · 27/04/2025 17:00

You sound like the sort of parent that would overlook their precious child ostracise another child. And wouldn’t care how damaging that is. Unless it was happening to your kid.

Show quote history

And you sound like the sort of parent who’d insist their child swallow down their own discomfort in order to keep the peace.
I know which of our children will be better at protecting their own boundaries in later life…

faerietales · 27/04/2025 17:13

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:53

Except she is because it wouldn’t be a question if she wasn’t.

Show quote history

Or maybe the DD is just in an awkward position - doesn't want to invite her (as she doesn't like her) but equally knows her friend Jane* does like her and doesn't want to cause bad feelings with her.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 17:14

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 17:11

And you sound like the sort of parent who’d insist their child swallow down their own discomfort in order to keep the peace.
I know which of our children will be better at protecting their own boundaries in later life…

Show quote history

The girl doesn’t get to exert her boundaries within an existing social group, that’s not how groups work.
She’s free to step outside the group herself if she finds it too restricting.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 17:19

kirinm · 27/04/2025 17:00

You sound like the sort of parent that would overlook their precious child ostracise another child. And wouldn’t care how damaging that is. Unless it was happening to your kid.

Show quote history

It did happen to my kid. Which is why I’m on the side of having boundaries , keeping your distance from people that make you unhappy and not putting up with shit for the sake of being kind or popularity.

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 17:20

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 17:14

The girl doesn’t get to exert her boundaries within an existing social group, that’s not how groups work.
She’s free to step outside the group herself if she finds it too restricting.

Show quote history

She doesn’t find it “restricting”. She enjoys the company of her friends and not the company of this one girl. Where on earth has this expectation come from that girls in particular must be kind at the expense of their own happiness or wellbeing? A teenager is more than old enough to understand that if they don’t get along with someone they won’t be invited to their birthday celebration. Any teenager who doesn’t has been massively failed by those around them.

RollingCottageBlue · 27/04/2025 17:20

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 17:14

The girl doesn’t get to exert her boundaries within an existing social group, that’s not how groups work.
She’s free to step outside the group herself if she finds it too restricting.

Show quote history

Excellent post

weareallalittlebitthesame · 27/04/2025 17:20

I don’t understand the people who are saying you should invite her at all. It’s your daughter’s birthday, why should she invite someone that she has told you makes her unhappy? They’re not friends anymore. How would inviting her benefit anyone?

poetryandwine · 27/04/2025 17:20

Great news, OP.

I hope your DD can be kind whilst holding some boundaries, and that soon enough this girl will find some true friends

PassingStranger · 27/04/2025 17:24

Fgs all this about parties and who to invite what a brain ache.
Just don't have one, if it's so hard.