DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

[Gf347]

DD (in high school) was very good friends with a girl last year but the friendship made her very unhappy. Has since managed tio distance herself from the girl and is feeling much happier. Fast forward and her bday party is coming up and she doesn’t want to invite this girl. She feels bad though as this girl doesn’t really have any friends and DD will also be inviting everyone else from her friendship group so it would be obvious she is excluded.

WWYD?

IME with 3 nearly grown up children and dozens and dozens of mums I have known over the years years, those who are happy to exclude one child from parties and special outings cry the loudest when they or their child are left out.

It's selfish behaviour and quite ugly.

My DD has a policy of inviting everyone in her friendship group as it is so much easier than dealing with the upset and she would feel guilty if she excluded anyone. Her friends seem to appreciate it as well because they don’t have to feel uncomfortable about someone being left out.

I think it's okay to be selfish sometimes.

As an adult, I wouldn't invite someone to celebrate my birthday with me if I didn't like them - is that "ugly"?

You can exclude one person and still do it kindly. You just have to make sure they never know they were excluded. So nothing on shared social media and no chatting about it in front of her at school.

Yes, exactly.

I'm not suggesting they openly exclude her and brag about the party in front of her or anything. DD can just say she's not doing anything for her birthday and they can arrange something privately.

Even if they were in your friendship group?

At this age it's all part of growing up and ultimately it's your DD's decision. You need to have faith that you have brought her up with the correct emotional intelligence to deal with it.

So be sneaky, you encourage teenagers to sneak about and wrap it up as "kindness".

OP doesn't say this girl is in their friendship group.

She says she used to be, and now only one girl out of the original group of six is still friendly with her.

This poor girl being "allowed" to stay in the friendship group and thinking they are all still friends while behind her back your DD and the rest have decided they don't like her is frankly far crueler than being knowingly excluded from a birthday party. It's really twisted, like they're allowing her to hang around still for the purpose of being able to mistreat her. You should be talking to your DD about that. The birthday party is really an aside at this point.

Was she nasty to your daughter….what is the reason for the dislike

Are you sure your DD and her friends aren’t just trying to bully her and you are just hearing one side of the story

You can invite whomever you wish to your birthday, but leaving one of a group of friends out is poor social form and is mean spirited. As said, it is those who winge why should I be forced to be kind that get the most upset when they or their kid isn't invited. So they don't afford others with the same choice to invite who they wish.

Good answer. At that age I discussed these things with my DC to help them consider all possibilities. In the end though, I think you need to accept her decision.

But again, it doesn't actually say that this girl is part of their group. It says she was, but that only one of the original group is still friendly with her today.

I'd rather not be invited than later find out I'd been lied to. The chance of someone NOT letting it slip at some point is close to zero.

Tricky. Your daughter would be fine to invite just her close friends, but to leave out ONE seems a little mean.

If she is confused it possibly means that she should invite her... they are not over being friendly yet.

The girl still hangs around with them apparently only 1 other girl likes her, and they are not adults they are teenagers and not being honest with the girl, I'm assuming you as an adult don't have this to navigate?

No, but I had to navigate it as a teenager. I clearly remember inviting someone I didn't like to a get-together because I felt bad for her, and it ruined it completely.

I also remember being the one excluded occasionally - of course it was upsetting but I made other friends. You can't always be expected to get an invite to everything to be part of the same friendship group forever.

Your daughter is not being unreasonable
Her party, her guestlist

She should exclude her but have a word with each girl in turn to keep it quiet and not post it on sM to not run it her face

100%. What that pp is suggesting is even worse.

We’re now on p5 and still in the dark about what aspect of this girl’s behaviour has caused OP’s DD and most of the other girls to dislike her.

Without accusing the OP, usually when there is a good reason such as bullying or spreading harmful gossip harming DD’s reputation the OP shares that, as it is relevant to the advice.

In my experience it’s rarely the bullies who are the ones with no friends being left out in the group - those children are usually the bullied.

You can’t do it kindly because it isn’t a kind thing to do. One of DD’s friends always excludes one or two people. She is considered a bit socially inept and precious for not inviting the whole group and the left out ones always find out.

This is my concern also