DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

[Gf347]

DD (in high school) was very good friends with a girl last year but the friendship made her very unhappy. Has since managed tio distance herself from the girl and is feeling much happier. Fast forward and her bday party is coming up and she doesn’t want to invite this girl. She feels bad though as this girl doesn’t really have any friends and DD will also be inviting everyone else from her friendship group so it would be obvious she is excluded.

WWYD?

Due to what behaviour? Is she a bully or is she childish, what?

No. You don't exclude 1 kid who doesn't have friends, she invites all or some.

Ah ok- thanks for clarifying. Then, no your DD shouldn't feel bad about this at all. It's kind that she cares, but she isnt responsible for this girl's friendships, neither is she responsible for her behaviour.

Your daughter isnt obliged to invite someone to her party if her behaviour towards her has not been good.

Do you invite people you don't like to celebrate your birthday? Or only invite a few people in case you offend someone you dislike?

I've gone through the birthday party stage and no, you don't exclude one dc.

The op needs to expand on why the friend made her dd unhappy though.

If she's a horrible bully and they've addressed this with school etc etc fine, if the dd has just gone off her it is very unkind, we brought our kids up not to be unkind but each to their own.

Being kind =/= inviting people you dislike to your events, though.

You can be kind to people and not want to spend time with them.

Would you really tell your teenage child that they had to invite someone to their party if that child made them unhappy?

This is the best advice.

It's socially not very smart to exclude this girl. It's petty as if they are all in a friendship group the girl will feel gutted, why be so unkind?

It's also my experience when her friends she that she leaves out the other girl they may soon turn on her for being mean. Girl friendships that age can bear very complex and tricky.

Talk it through with your dd but explain that shawl goes round comes round.

We're talking about excluding one dc who apparently doesn't have any friends.

Either the one being excluded is a serious bully i can't think of any other reason to just exclude 1 person, or the op's dc isn't a very nice person.

We did this for dd1's 11 th birthday. She was adamant that this girl would bring nothing but drama, they had fallen out fairly publicly a few times - it seemed like a no brainer.

I am really 50/50 about whether we did the right thing. Ultimately they are old enough to need to realise that if you behave in a certain way then the invites are likely to dry up. Equally it's a bit of a line in the sand, certainly for dd1 it meant that relationship is never going to recover.

But it's not OP's DD's job to smooth things over for this girl.

I would ask her how she would feel if she was the one left out

She doesn’t invite her. She’s not friends with her and neither is the majority of her friendship group.

Are you seriously saying that empathy = people pleasing? Empathy is beings socially sensitive and smart, people pleasing is if you compulsively behave in a manner to never offend anyone so that people keep liking you, it's an expression of very low self esteem. Empathy on the other hand is a the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

Dynamics are often such that the person who is leaving someone out is seems as the bully. It depends on OP's dd if she is prepared to handle that. Sometimes you have to be diplomatic and smart.

Empathy on the other hand is a the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

You don't need to have empathy for people who make you unhappy.

Hmmm so it sounds like she's now on the periphery of this friendship group? I suspect the dynamic isn't very nice here...

Your daughter must decide if she's up for taking a risk.
Neither decision she makes would be wrong though.

I understand that it's tough to feel empathy for people who bring negativity into your life. But, empathy is about understanding where they're coming from, even if that doesn’t mean excusing their actions. It doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their behaviour, just that you might see things from a different perspective and consider that in your decision. Op's dd does not have to invite the girl, it will feel gutting for her and there will be a fall out in the group, guaranteed as many girls love that kind of drama as young teens. It's up to the op's dd but actions have consequences. If she is happy to work through a potential fallout and make this girl upset that's fine. Her choice. Or they could try and be emotionally intelligent about it.

I had someone who did this to me. We were friends, we did a lot of after school activities together, I thought we were part of a group. I just apparently wasn't in her top ten. She didn't tell me about it and I just found out because other people talked about it. So I pulled right back. I still remember it 30 years plus later. It was a cold water dose of reality that those people didn't want me in that group at that time. So I moved on. Yes, I was hurt. It doesn't mean she did anything wrong though. Your daughter can decide if she wants to take responsibility for the feelings of others or not. I'd say not would be healthier, but accepting there will be hurt caused is an important part of boundaries.

I wouldn't feel happy about excluding her but your daughters decision at the end of the day.

I am with the DD. If the one non-invited has been unreasonable or nasty in her behaviour, then learning that such things have consequences is no bad thing.

But if you read the updates, it sounds like the fallout has already happened and the lack of an invite is the result of that.

How would you feel if it was your daughter being left out? Can you explain to us what the behaviour problems are though?

No teen girl should ever be made to feel that she has to do something she doesn't want to.

I wouldn’t do it.
Friendships can be fickle and tribal at that age.
Before she knows it your DD could be cast as the Mean Girl and find herself the one excluded.

My suggestion: a self-funded group activity to enjoy the occasion of the birthday including all 6 of the girls in the group (including the girl she doesn’t like) where she can maintain the current dynamic and people who don't get on can keep their distance e.g. cinema / shopping and lunch out / day at a local attraction. Everyone pays for themselves, just a chance to say happy birthday.

If she wants a ‘party’, invite 2-3 friends for a sleepover seperately.

When DD was about 9 I had this problem.
The girl just turned up 😄
I just let the girl join and get on with it. She had a cousin at the party and everything was fine.
I’d try and encourage your DD to let her come tbh and chat to her about what’s going on.

If my DD was being left out, I would be encouraging her to find new friends. I certainly wouldn't want someone sending her a pity-invite when they clearly didn't want her there.