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Original poster

Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

876 replies

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 15:20

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time o...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited

OP posts:
Munnygirl · 29/04/2025 12:32

nomas · 29/04/2025 12:08

No, you didn’t, you said ‘DD 2 can go on the holiday if she wants or she goes to the wedding so both daughters get to do something fun. DD2 gets a choice where as DD1 had no choice’

So you’re still suggesting punishing dd2 for going
to the wedding!

Show quote history

It’s quite easy to understand that it’s not a punishment. She would have two hypothetical choices to do what ever she wants to do.

Munnygirl · 29/04/2025 12:33

nomas · 29/04/2025 12:13

Can you quote the bit in which @Dinosaurshoebox sounds gleeful? Im
not seeing it at all. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want the two dds to have a close sisterly bond.

Show quote history

the tone is gleeful.

nomas · 29/04/2025 12:35

Munnygirl · 29/04/2025 12:32

It’s quite easy to understand that it’s not a punishment. She would have two hypothetical choices to do what ever she wants to do.

Show quote history

Of course it’s punishment. You’re suggesting that she choose between a wedding she really wants to go with her gran/aunts/uncles/cousins and a family holiday with her parents and sister.

There is no reason why the family holiday can’t take place when dd2 is free as well.

It still leaves the whole day for OP and her DH to make a lovely fuss of DD1z

NotSafeInTaxis · 29/04/2025 12:36

nomas · 29/04/2025 12:13

Can you quote the bit in which @Dinosaurshoebox sounds gleeful? Im
not seeing it at all. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want the two dds to have a close sisterly bond.

Show quote history

This is not how to create a close sisterly bond. More likely to have the opposite effect.

Munnygirl · 29/04/2025 12:51

nomas · 29/04/2025 12:35

Of course it’s punishment. You’re suggesting that she choose between a wedding she really wants to go with her gran/aunts/uncles/cousins and a family holiday with her parents and sister.

There is no reason why the family holiday can’t take place when dd2 is free as well.

It still leaves the whole day for OP and her DH to make a lovely fuss of DD1z

Show quote history

I don’t really understand why you are so obsessed with DD2 going to a fun event and at the same time be more than happy for dd 1 to remain home
miserable as she watches her sister go off. I think you need to remember this family hasn’t booked a holiday!

nomas · 29/04/2025 13:01

Munnygirl · 29/04/2025 12:51

I don’t really understand why you are so obsessed with DD2 going to a fun event and at the same time be more than happy for dd 1 to remain home
miserable as she watches her sister go off. I think you need to remember this family hasn’t booked a holiday!

Show quote history

I think you need to remember you’re the one who keeps suggesting a holiday to clash with the wedding!

Also, which part of ‘OP and DH to make a lovely fuss of DD1’ suggests I want DD1 to stay at home and be miserable?

You are the one obsessed with trying to find a way to punish dd2. And you keep reading things that aren’t there, just as you accused a pp of being gleeful.

Munnygirl · 29/04/2025 13:04

nomas · 29/04/2025 13:01

I think you need to remember you’re the one who keeps suggesting a holiday to clash with the wedding!

Also, which part of ‘OP and DH to make a lovely fuss of DD1’ suggests I want DD1 to stay at home and be miserable?

You are the one obsessed with trying to find a way to punish dd2. And you keep reading things that aren’t there, just as you accused a pp of being gleeful.

Edited
Show quote history

You are so projecting here.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 29/04/2025 14:00

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:15

Oh the idea of being away to treat my eldest daughter wasn't something she was interested in last time and I don't think it will cut it this time either, I do also think there is potential of rubbing salt in the wounds, by offering a trip it is as if she is missing something amazing. I am not expressing myself well. I hope people understand what I am trying to say.

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone a trip with BOTH girls over the week or weekend of the wedding, not just the one who is not invited!! that way, you will find out where your younger daughter's loyalties really lie!!! your husband too needs to grow a pair of balls and put his foot down!!

commonsense61 · 29/04/2025 18:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 30/04/2025 00:15

I wonder if DD2 would feel the same if DD1 inherited a fortune from her biological father’s family and she got nothing. Would she think that was only reasonable or would DD1 be expected to share it?

NotSafeInTaxis · 30/04/2025 07:31

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 30/04/2025 00:15

I wonder if DD2 would feel the same if DD1 inherited a fortune from her biological father’s family and she got nothing. Would she think that was only reasonable or would DD1 be expected to share it?

I imagine she'd know perfectly well that they have different families and that's what happens. Why would anyone expect to share it?

nomas · 30/04/2025 07:32

Munnygirl · 29/04/2025 13:04

You are so projecting here.

Show quote history

So no answer then 😂

You said dino was being gleeful, but it’s actual you being gleeful at the thought of dd2 being left out of a family holiday.

nomas · 30/04/2025 07:34

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 30/04/2025 00:15

I wonder if DD2 would feel the same if DD1 inherited a fortune from her biological father’s family and she got nothing. Would she think that was only reasonable or would DD1 be expected to share it?

Why would dd2 expect a share of dd1’s dad’s fortune? She’s never even met him.

Munnygirl · 30/04/2025 08:51

nomas · 30/04/2025 07:32

So no answer then 😂

You said dino was being gleeful, but it’s actual you being gleeful at the thought of dd2 being left out of a family holiday.

Edited
Show quote history

Still projecting I see

nomas · 30/04/2025 10:16

Munnygirl · 30/04/2025 08:51

Still projecting I see

Show quote history

🤣

BennyBee · 30/04/2025 10:35

YANBU. I am only just reading about both scenarios. Last year, I think I would have just furrowed a brow that eldest was not included and then taken both children along anyway, think it must have been a mistake. Or maybe contacted the bride to be and said "I think you left eldest off in error, just checking?" Now, obviously it is too late for that and it is clear it is being done intentionally. In which case, the family are totally out of order, petty little arseholes, and you should not let your youngest anywhere near them. All four of you go on a nice trip at that time instead and say it was already booked. That is what I would do. What CFs.

BennyBee · 30/04/2025 10:42

And FWIW, I think it is your MIL that is behind it all, after hearing her comments that she never got to be alone with youngest. She has made it clear that she does not see your eldest as her granddaughter.

mcmooberry · 30/04/2025 12:05

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 27/04/2025 20:00

I adore both of my girls, they are lovely and get on well with eachother.

The youngest one isn't a brat or a cow!

She didn't rub her sister's face in it last year at all.

My youngest is empathetic and is loyal but she doesn't see why she needs to be loyal to her sister because the cousin is not her sister's cousin but hers.

We get that but surely she can also understand that you are a family of four and it is the height of bad manners and hurtfulness to leave one member of a family of four out of a wedding invitation? You aren't related to them by blood either and have still been invited!

Sunshine1500 · 30/04/2025 12:08

This is probably against the grain. I honestly wouldn’t care about anything else except maintaining the siblings relationship, I wouldn’t let younger sister go.

Annio82 · 02/05/2025 07:28

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:01

Last time we quietly declined for all of us (later younger daughter went alone) but when we were asked we told the reason.

Groom said his wife was dealing with all the invitations and later invited us to the evening do which we declined.

MiL felt we handled it badly and instead of declining we should have asked for another invitation.

Husband blames his brother, the father of the grooms but I know that this is unfair. BiL just says it's the brides that do the inviting.

Last year's groom never really came to our house and we haven't bumped into him at MiL's either although husband has and everything is cordial.

I actually believe last year's groom that there was no malicious intent although it does illustrate that he doesn't see my eldest as family. His brother on the other hand I do think it is a means of being deliberately point scoring for upsetting his mother last time.

My daughter was 12 she is actually nearer 14 now, she sees that it is disappointing but says they are her family and not her sister's. She doesn't see that she needs to be loyal to her in this scenario.

The aftermath would be unbearable if she was banned from going and my husband thinks it would achieve the opposite of what I want, the divide between them would be greater if I stopped the younger one going. She is in and out of her gran's house and my husband wants her to have a relationship with his family and he thinks occasions like this cement relationships . He thinks his absence is enough to demonstrate to me where his loyalties lie.

As a bride who handled all of the invitations I got all of my information from my mother in law. She told me who to invite in different family groupings. I would be very sceptical that the bride made a mistake completely on her own and I suspect you may be being naive in believing this.

i would also suggest that where you say Dd2 is being logical that her sister is not her family’s family, I would be suspicious, especially if she’s never said things like this before, where she was hearing this. Add that to the slip up that MIL never got to see her without her sister from your BIL.

groovylady · 02/05/2025 07:43

I agree with pp
I think your mil is behind this

MayMadness2025 · 02/05/2025 07:47

LittleLabrador · 26/04/2025 16:14

How horrible. I wouldn’t send younger one. All of you go on a little holiday that weekend so you can all have fun as a united family. It’s going to cause resentments between your daughters if the younger one is full of exciting stories again about another wedding her sister wasn’t invited to.

This

Snugglemonkey · 02/05/2025 08:17

I would book a 3 night trip to Disney land Paris or a similar really fun trip and if your youngest wants to go to the wedding, let her stay with a family member.

muggart · 02/05/2025 09:24

as with PP .. i’ve never heard of a situation where the bride determines who from the groom’s family gets invited. That’s nonsense.

Siarli · 22/06/2025 19:10

Why should you have to grovel to get an invitation for your elder daughter who is not biologically related to your inlaws because these relatives disinclude her to this wedding ? Its nasty and its cruel, do as you did last year, decline. Its not an oversight, they know why you've previously declined. Your younger girl is 12 but you should explain to her why you will not be going and that you are not prepared to see her older sister left out. If Gran insists on going she either takes responsibility for your younger girl or you decide that your family including her will not go. To leave your older girl out of this family celebration is wrong and it's clear your husband backs you up.