Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

I don’t think it’s as deep as a power play at all it’s really just rather simple to the in-laws.

Op is dh’s wife.
Dd 2 is granddaughter

Dd1 is sons wife’s daughter.

Son and DD2 of course get an invite, op herself is merely a duty plus one. Dd1 well she’s just not on the radar of people that the brides and grooms deem important enough to really remember to think about extending the invite too. They haven’t gone on we must invite ops husband and his family. They have gone oh ops husband and his daughter don’t forget his wife.

Then it’s become a snub, which has led to well ask then, which didn’t happen and then it’s happened again and they are then pulling the well she wasn’t invited to so and so’s wedding so 🤷🏻‍♀️

They don’t hate op’s daughter or set out to bully her they just don’t care about her enough for her to be on their mind. Op’s older child isn’t popping into grannies and clearly doesn’t have a granny relationship with her.

The younger is always in and out apparently and clearly has a very separate relationship with her paternal family even without her dad.

Also ops older child is nearly or is an adult now. Even more unlikely to get invited at that point tbh.

The first time, I wouldn’t have been happy about it but you made your decision to let the younger one go. I think step children/cousins etc is a bit of a grey area normally however, your eldest has literally been in their lives longer than your youngest has so I can’t understand why they wouldn’t have given her the invite in the first place.

This second time, not a chance. I would not be allowing the younger one to go this time. She needs to understand that your eldest is her sister and you stick together as a family. If you let her go again you are almost pitting them against each other in my opinion.

I would take the opportunity to go away as a family somewhere instead, and I would make it very clear to your relatives why you won’t all be attending.

But they are bullying her though. This elder child
is not some huge surprise that has suddenly landed on the family from outer space

To bully someone you have to have the intention to hurt them.

I think they just don’t care or think about her not that they actually set out to hurt her.

So if you deliberately exclude a child twice, and ignore her fathers pleas and continue to exclude the child both at events and run of the mill family gatherings what part of that ISNT bullying? It’s the very definition of bullying.

And you are saying that they just don’t care enough, well they care enough to single her out. I beg to differ that this is benign indifference - if that were true she would have an invite because that would be the easiest thing to do.

Gosh I pity some families having some of these posters to deal with, there is no sense of fair play and decency. None whatsoever.

Well, intention isnt necessary to establish a claim of bullying in the workplace. But thats by the by.

The must have an expectation after last year that any invitation that was limited to 3 out of 4 family members would mean that, at best, only one would attend.

So it wasn't a really sincere invitation - just an opportunity to re-ignite an awkward episode.

Two Different family members have over looked inviting her that’s all.

This isn’t one family member keep doing something this is just two weddings where she wasn’t thought of.

Unless your trying to say his whole family are bullying her at that point op picked yet again another dud to reproduce with if his letting his whole family actually genuinely bully a child.

Do you actually think this is just some happy accident? Surely no one can be that dim. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

Slow clap for finally realising what we have been saying all along.

Dh is a useless spineless waste of space to have allowed his family to do this the first time, now he is the bystander for the next attack. It’s pathetic. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and imagine he is from a severely dysfunctional family and can not in any way assert himself

Yes, we’ve already covered all that. Duly noted and whatnot. Like I said, you are more than welcome to believe what it best suits you to believe about me/my life/my opinions/the state of my soul or lack thereof. It’s not like either of us need you to think I’m a nice person, so that’s helpful.

While I’m evidently not opposed to repeating myself, even I’m finding the regurgitation to be a bit laborious at this point. We do not agree on any point here, and nor is there any scope for us to do so. C’est la vie!

Brother*

I’ll be sure to let them know ❤️

Sorry but at 14 your youngest should know better and her loyalty should lie with her sister. I would send her to the wedding and choose a different time to take your eldest daughter somewhere nice for the weekend and leave the youngest at home. If it's OK for her sister to be left out then it's good enough for her too. As for the rest of that 'family' they would not be welcome anywhere near my home.

Not finished yet, huh?

He’s my full brother by the way, just in case you’re persisting in believing my family is the same as OP’s. Alas, I doubt you’d like him any more than you do me. I’m sure you’ll be pleased to know we all get on very well though

I don’t actually care.

What I care about is the poor advice op is receiving from some shady quarters, when she is trying to keep her child safe, and navigate a complex situation in a fair and balanced way.

Hahah yes because this is a child free wedding or a date night isn't it?! It's exactly the same!
Silly me! Excluding a non blood sibling from a family event is exactly the same as parents choosing to do something for themselves or all children being excluded. Exactly the same. What a great example to bring up, what a fool I am.

You are coming across as exceedingly foolish here, yes.

Are you quite well? You seem ..overwrought at best

Yet you did such a good impression of someone who did 🙂

Are you normally so conspiratorially minded? Not agreeing with advice given does not make either the source of the advice, or the advice itself, shady. You can just disagree, you know?

You're right I would care, which is why I posted what I would do. I would not let anybody make my child feel less than by anyone and let them still be in my other child's life, they are excluding her - and they threaten to fracture the relationship with dd2 and son if they are challenged over this. As in my post, whatever you say the converse is also true. If they want a good relationship with son and dd2, why is onus not on in-laws to welcome dd1 to ensure that?
Wild that it's acceptable to upset 3 people and still secure a relationship with 1 at their expense.
Perhaps the reality is op knows she is not really wanted either, going to bat for dd1 would just expose that beyond polite ignorance and she's not willing to deal with it. Or she is, by letting dd1 be excluded from a family that don't seem to want any of them but dd2.

Sit down with your youngest (who must be nearly 14 by now) and tell her whilst you can't stop her from attending, you are very disappointed that she doesn't have her sister's back in this for a second time. And while you're at it, this "they are my cousins not hers" nonsense doesn't wash when her sister has been part of the family since she was a toddler and whilst she thinks she's being "logical" she's actually showing no loyalty to her sister who is most likely to be her support network as they enter adulthood, not some cousin who is probably more than a decade older

The hats even worse than bullying. So be so unaware of doing it is reprehensible

whether DD2 is right or wrong is irrelevant. She needs to understand that her disloyalty to DD1 is going to cause DD1 to hate her and probably cause some contempt from her parents too given even the dad is making a statement by not attending. She runs the risk of losing her whole immediate family by choosing her toxic inlaws. She's of course free to make her own choices, but not free from the consequences.