Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

Agree with this. If you allow your youngest to go now you are setting them up for decades of resentment for them both, and decades of feelings of rejection for the oldest. Either you all go, or none of you. And I’d be reconsidering ‘family’ events in general. You see your mil, but why does that have to involve other relatives? Visit as a family, then go home. In your last thread you said your husband wouldn’t forgive his brother for that, but they were together at their mother’s house. He doesn’t seem to feel very strongly about this, it’s easy to say this and that but he’s obviously okay with it all isn’t he? I think you and your oldest daughter are alone in your feelings. Your husband doesn’t mind 😵‍💫.

I wouldn’t allow my youngest to attend either, I’d want my children to be united and for our family to stick together. I know that my own children wouldn’t want to attend a family wedding where only one was invited. I think the actions of your inlaws is cruel and any sign that they were trying to divide my children wouldn’t be taken lightly.

They sound thoroughly nasty and I'd want nothing more to do with them, tbh.

Families are more than just blood relations imo.

Yes. Book a weekend.

The family's stupidity could be the means of building resentment between the two sisters. don't let this fester between them.
It's awful of them to do this to children.
Pathetic point making.
What does your DH say?

I think you should tell your husband that you went with his feelings on the matter last time and let her go, against your better judgement. This time, he should go with your feelings and not let her go.

As noted further along the thread how petty the Bride&Groom are to leave one member of a family of four out.

Although obviously they aren’t actually expecting you to attend at all.

It’s just a neat way of not inviting you.

I think you should book a weekend away somewhere that both your daughters would love. I would have done this the first time too. At 12 your youngest could have understood how horrible it was to exclude her sister and how she would have felt if she was the one left out.

It is just cruel and really lets you know how they feel about your eldest. I cannot understand why anyone would do this.

What contact have you had with the the original groom and the new groom?

I hope you have gone NC and not allowed them in to your home.

I agree. If younger one wants to go, let her.

I think if you stop the younger one from going, it will create resentment. And it’s not her fault.

But don’t facilitate it, DH should buy the dress etc.

Let your younger daughter go and do something nice with your older daughter, take her away for a few days.

Her resentment should be towards the family members that are doing this, not her parents who are sticking up for her sister, and I would be explaining that to her.

I’m sorry but I completely disagree! You come down on a tonne of bricks on someone if they do something wrong and this is not a 12 year olds fault at all! This is for the adults to sort out. the 12 year old did no wrong. She is 12, of course she wants to go to a wedding.

I wouldnt be married to a man who enabled this behaviour. Yabu, sorry. Choose your firstborn.

But it isn’t. Telling her what you think she ‘should’ feel isn’t going to make her feel it, and if anything is going to set her even further against that viewpoint. She’s 13 and not without her own agency, she’s not going to just do what her mother tells her.

They aren’t a nuclear family, and they don’t have all have the same family members in common. It isn’t the responsibility of the youngest to sacrifice her relationships with her paternal family because they don’t consider her sister to be their grandchild/niece.

Unfortunately OP, making an issue of it last year has cemented their stance. They’ve made, and are continuing to make, it very very clear that they aren’t going to offer you and your daughter what you want them to.

The younger one isn’t stupid, she understands the dynamic.

But she clearly feels these are her ‘blood’ relatives and she wants to go to another family wedding. She is entitled to her view and shouldn’t be shut down just because she is young.

However, that doesn’t change that these people are absolute scum for excluding OP’s older dd.

What horrible people they are, they should be ashamed of themselves. Family is not necessarily about blood. Tbh, I think your youngest is now just about old enough to see this for herself and be more loyal to her sister. As someone else said, I would not be sending a card or gift.

Have you read her original thread? The younger daughter heard their arguments but still wanted to go. A united front only really works when everyone is on board. Otherwise it risks causing resentment. I think OP did the right thing by both daughters last time. She supported uninvited, eldest by not going, but didn't stop the invited, younger daughter from attending, as she really wanted to go

Shame for your youngest but she won't be traumatised by missing a wedding. None of you should be going this absolute shitshow.

She’s the groom’s cousin’s sister - not some random child.

It’s hardly a close relationship though, is it?

Well look at the difference in polling between last time and this time.

Stand up for our daughter. Your in laws are vile.

I've just read your original thread and I'm appalled at the behaviour of your DH's family! I have DSD and 2 dds all fully grown now. But my family have always treated DSD exactly the same as her sisters, even though she has a large family on her mother's side. The 3 of them all see themselves as full siblings, and if that had happened in our family, I know both my dds would have refused to go out of loyalty to DSD. I'd be so disappointed in your younger dd.

“Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.”

“My 12 year old doesn't understand why I am so upset, she just accepts that the groom isn't related to her sister, she was sarcastic and asked me whether he should also invite all of her other relations on my side.
In all of our discussions about this I have asked all the questions that people have. Yes she would be agree with us if the groom had left out a family member who was also related to them.
She totally gets that people are envious of other people but she doesn't see why she should miss out on something on her side of her family because her sister is upset. She keeps stressing that her cousin is not her sister's cousin.”

From OP’s previous thread^

Her youngest grasped it perfectly well last year. Not agreeing with OP does not mean she did not understand.

Awful! To do it again?! Blimey, that's pretty shit.

Stick together, but I suggest you look into your husband adopting your elder daughter before she turns 18. And then have a massive party to celebrate. She needs to feel like a full part of the family.

You’d have to be incredibly petty to divide a family of four. Particularly when his uncle has been in the child’s life since she was 2. So no, not a random child.