Page 32 | Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 2025-04-26T14:20:56+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited 12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet]] This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again. Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom. Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent. My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again. The family clearly want to make some bizarre point. I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation --grovelled --for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity. I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 19:46

UndermyShoeJoe · 28/04/2025 18:21

Two Different family members have over looked inviting her that’s all.

This isn’t one family member keep doing something this is just two weddings where she wasn’t thought of.

Unless your trying to say his whole family are bullying her at that point op picked yet again another dud to reproduce with if his letting his whole family actually genuinely bully a child.

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Actually she didn’t because the step dad isn’t going to attend in solidarity with h his step daughter

Dinosaurshoebox · 28/04/2025 19:51

Bossmum94 · 28/04/2025 19:44

whether DD2 is right or wrong is irrelevant. She needs to understand that her disloyalty to DD1 is going to cause DD1 to hate her and probably cause some contempt from her parents too given even the dad is making a statement by not attending. She runs the risk of losing her whole immediate family by choosing her toxic inlaws. She's of course free to make her own choices, but not free from the consequences.

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Her Dad is standing by her and advocating for her to go so that she keeps and builds a strong relationship with his family.

To me that says he will stand by his wife himself but he will not allow anyone to come between his daughter and his family.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 19:54

Your younger daughter doesn’t have the empathy because none of this is happening to her. Whilst I am in two minds about whether she should go or not I think both you AND your husband should talk to her about the reason why you both are not going and how she is in far more favourable position than her sister ever will be

Dinosaurshoebox · 28/04/2025 19:58

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 19:54

Your younger daughter doesn’t have the empathy because none of this is happening to her. Whilst I am in two minds about whether she should go or not I think both you AND your husband should talk to her about the reason why you both are not going and how she is in far more favourable position than her sister ever will be

And when she points out that that's not her fault? That she didn't abandon any children. That she didn't choose to have multiple children with multiple men and not creating an equitable situation per child?

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 20:01

Dinosaurshoebox · 28/04/2025 19:58

And when she points out that that's not her fault? That she didn't abandon any children. That she didn't choose to have multiple children with multiple men and not creating an equitable situation per child?

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Good lord are you having an attack of the vapours? The OP has not had hordes of children with different men. Do get a grip. The younger daughter needs to learn a bit of empathy for her older sister which does mean she does not have a relationship with her grandmother/cousins

nomas · 28/04/2025 20:02

Libra24 · 28/04/2025 19:32

You're right I would care, which is why I posted what I would do. I would not let anybody make my child feel less than by anyone and let them still be in my other child's life, they are excluding her - and they threaten to fracture the relationship with dd2 and son if they are challenged over this. As in my post, whatever you say the converse is also true. If they want a good relationship with son and dd2, why is onus not on in-laws to welcome dd1 to ensure that?
Wild that it's acceptable to upset 3 people and still secure a relationship with 1 at their expense.
Perhaps the reality is op knows she is not really wanted either, going to bat for dd1 would just expose that beyond polite ignorance and she's not willing to deal with it. Or she is, by letting dd1 be excluded from a family that don't seem to want any of them but dd2.

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I would not let anybody make my child feel less than by anyone and let them still be in my other child's life, they are excluding her

But the one who wants to attend here is DD2. So by telling dd2 she can’t go, you’re pitting her against her own sister.

If they want a good relationship with son and dd2, why is onus not on in-laws to welcome dd1 to ensure that?

They should absolutely welcome DD1. But they are the ones having the wedding and it’s a wedding dd2 wants to go to. DD2 has the right to make her own choices.

Perhaps the reality is op knows she is not really wanted either, going to bat for dd1 would just expose that beyond polite ignorance and she's not willing to deal with it. Or she is, by letting dd1 be excluded from a family that don't seem to want any of them but dd2.

I agree it has exposed that DD1 isn’t seen as one of the family, which is very sad. But I don’t think we can blame OP, she has done the right thing by refusing to attend.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/04/2025 20:14

MrsKateColumbo · 27/04/2025 20:46

I think for the sake of both DDs you need to de-escalate the situation. Just treat it as dd2 is going to her cousin's wedding for the day and dd1 can do something with you or offer to pay for her and her boyfriend/friends to go to the cinema etc.

I suppose if the nephew was late teens when you met dh they didnt really form a relationship with dd1. It sounds like your dh isnt close to nephew either, if i annoyed my auntie she would phone me up to tell me about it lol!

This is true. they may not be close to DD1.

Except.. if DD1 was DH's daughter and not his step daughter, she would have been invited. They would have just invited both daughters. So I don't think that it rationalises what the DH Nephew did in excluding just one child in the household.

Bossmum94 · 28/04/2025 20:15

Dinosaurshoebox · 28/04/2025 19:51

Her Dad is standing by her and advocating for her to go so that she keeps and builds a strong relationship with his family.

To me that says he will stand by his wife himself but he will not allow anyone to come between his daughter and his family.

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so at the very best she manages to keep dad onside! but she's very much alienating her mum and older sister for these people! welp, hopefully it's worth it...

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 20:15

Bossmum94 · 28/04/2025 19:44

whether DD2 is right or wrong is irrelevant. She needs to understand that her disloyalty to DD1 is going to cause DD1 to hate her and probably cause some contempt from her parents too given even the dad is making a statement by not attending. She runs the risk of losing her whole immediate family by choosing her toxic inlaws. She's of course free to make her own choices, but not free from the consequences.

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And they run the risk of losing her if they try and deny her close relationships she has with the extended family she clearly loves. It’s funny how DD1 hating DD2 is presented as an outcome that must be avoided at all costs, yet the potential for DD2 hating OP, and her mother, is hand waved away with an ’oh fucking well, the brat’.

Given that her father wants her to have, and has actively encouraged, a close relationship with her paternal family, and supports her going to the wedding, I highly doubt she will lose him. I also doubt that OP has any intention of losing her youngest daughter either.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 20:45

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 20:15

And they run the risk of losing her if they try and deny her close relationships she has with the extended family she clearly loves. It’s funny how DD1 hating DD2 is presented as an outcome that must be avoided at all costs, yet the potential for DD2 hating OP, and her mother, is hand waved away with an ’oh fucking well, the brat’.

Given that her father wants her to have, and has actively encouraged, a close relationship with her paternal family, and supports her going to the wedding, I highly doubt she will lose him. I also doubt that OP has any intention of losing her youngest daughter either.

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Rubbish. I highly doubt the op will lose her daughter over this. Talk about dramatic. OP take no notice of this

SerafinasGoose · 28/04/2025 20:53

There's been so much wind and hot air on this thread is that the key point is getting lost.

It's a wedding invitation. That's all. When people don't accept invitations to weddings the world still turns. The scenario really doesn't need to generate a whole round of histrionics and family schisms. Not, that is, unless the family issuing the invitation decides to make that happen, or that the schisms and family fall-outs were the intention of leaving one person off the guest list in the first place. Asking for an invitation is the height of bad manners. If you don't want to go under the terms the bride and groom dictate, then you simply decline. Nothing so easy.

A second point is also getting lost under the hyperbolic assertion that DD1 is being expected to 'sacrifice' her relationship with her father's side of the family. Nowhere has the OP stated any such thing: this is pure invention made by PPs who have become over-invested in this thread. If DD2 doesn't attend a wedding she is not going to be spending the rest of her life in the paternal family doghouse. Life will go on just as it did before.

But given that DD2 hasn't been made to do as she was told by her parents at the younger age of 12, it seems that 14 is a little late to begin. In another couple of years her parents won't get a say. In that case, the most sensible suggestion upthread is that of the trip to somewhere like New York. DD2 then gets a clear choice: she can come along with her own family unit, or she can spend the week at Granny's and attend a tedious wedding. Her decision, and this way at least she gets to feel some of the consequences of her actions. It also sends a clear message to DD1 that her mother and stepfather are standing by her as they would any member of their family unit.

Given the in-laws' determination to make their point has been carried this far, there seems little else to do. But it comes to something when a marrying couple can use their own wedding to make a cheap point against a child and her parents. Mean-spiritedness of this kind doesn't bode well for the starting-out of a marriage.

Weddings are not all that. They are more trouble than they're worth.

nomas · 28/04/2025 20:55

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 20:45

Rubbish. I highly doubt the op will lose her daughter over this. Talk about dramatic. OP take no notice of this

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And dd1 won’t disown her younger sister because of a wedding! She sounds more pragmatic than the grown up women on this thread.

And I doubt OP is paying attention to this thread anymore, she’s already said (very sensibly) she won’t try to stop dd2 from attending the wedding.

Feelingmuchbetter · 28/04/2025 20:58

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 20:45

Rubbish. I highly doubt the op will lose her daughter over this. Talk about dramatic. OP take no notice of this

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Just sounds like blackmail to try and prevent dd2 being educated about family bullying to me. In fact this is in the manipulator’s handbook, why doesn’t that surprise me. dd2 absolutely should be told in full, and consequences to everyone in the nuclear family. How can we expect dd2 to automatically understand all of this, she should be making an informed decision.

The apple doesn’t fall from the tree…

nomas · 28/04/2025 20:59

SerafinasGoose · 28/04/2025 20:53

There's been so much wind and hot air on this thread is that the key point is getting lost.

It's a wedding invitation. That's all. When people don't accept invitations to weddings the world still turns. The scenario really doesn't need to generate a whole round of histrionics and family schisms. Not, that is, unless the family issuing the invitation decides to make that happen, or that the schisms and family fall-outs were the intention of leaving one person off the guest list in the first place. Asking for an invitation is the height of bad manners. If you don't want to go under the terms the bride and groom dictate, then you simply decline. Nothing so easy.

A second point is also getting lost under the hyperbolic assertion that DD1 is being expected to 'sacrifice' her relationship with her father's side of the family. Nowhere has the OP stated any such thing: this is pure invention made by PPs who have become over-invested in this thread. If DD2 doesn't attend a wedding she is not going to be spending the rest of her life in the paternal family doghouse. Life will go on just as it did before.

But given that DD2 hasn't been made to do as she was told by her parents at the younger age of 12, it seems that 14 is a little late to begin. In another couple of years her parents won't get a say. In that case, the most sensible suggestion upthread is that of the trip to somewhere like New York. DD2 then gets a clear choice: she can come along with her own family unit, or she can spend the week at Granny's and attend a tedious wedding. Her decision, and this way at least she gets to feel some of the consequences of her actions. It also sends a clear message to DD1 that her mother and stepfather are standing by her as they would any member of their family unit.

Given the in-laws' determination to make their point has been carried this far, there seems little else to do. But it comes to something when a marrying couple can use their own wedding to make a cheap point against a child and her parents. Mean-spiritedness of this kind doesn't bode well for the starting-out of a marriage.

Weddings are not all that. They are more trouble than they're worth.

Edited

It's a wedding invitation. That's all. When people don't accept invitations to weddings the world still turns.

No one has missed that. What you and others are missing is that it’s not about the wedding, it’s that dd2 wants to go and she has the right to choose to go.

And threatening dd2 with a missed trip to New York is the sort of terrible advice that causes sibling bonds to break and for children to lose trust in their parents.

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 21:00

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 20:45

Rubbish. I highly doubt the op will lose her daughter over this. Talk about dramatic. OP take no notice of this

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No shit it was dramatic lol, it was deliberately flipping the ‘threat’ in the post I was responding to. Do you take the same issue with that one, I wonder?

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 21:03

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 21:00

No shit it was dramatic lol, it was deliberately flipping the ‘threat’ in the post I was responding to. Do you take the same issue with that one, I wonder?

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Oh please 😹

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 21:06

nomas · 28/04/2025 20:59

It's a wedding invitation. That's all. When people don't accept invitations to weddings the world still turns.

No one has missed that. What you and others are missing is that it’s not about the wedding, it’s that dd2 wants to go and she has the right to choose to go.

And threatening dd2 with a missed trip to New York is the sort of terrible advice that causes sibling bonds to break and for children to lose trust in their parents.

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Not at all. Dd2 can make the choice where she wants to go. You are all so keen she gets to choose and this way she does. DD 1 gets to go somewhere fun and DD gets to go to the wedding. Everyone wins. Or would you prefer DD1 stay home and be miserable?

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 21:09

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 21:03

Oh please 😹

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Overlooking that one, I see. That’s convenient.

nomas · 28/04/2025 21:09

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 21:06

Not at all. Dd2 can make the choice where she wants to go. You are all so keen she gets to choose and this way she does. DD 1 gets to go somewhere fun and DD gets to go to the wedding. Everyone wins. Or would you prefer DD1 stay home and be miserable?

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DD1 should absolutely get to go somewhere fun.

But to deliberately schedule a family holiday on a day that dd2 can’t make is even worse than what the groom is doing to DD1. With family like this who would need enemies.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 21:10

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 21:09

Overlooking that one, I see. That’s convenient.

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No really. My reply remain the same.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 21:12

nomas · 28/04/2025 21:09

DD1 should absolutely get to go somewhere fun.

But to deliberately schedule a family holiday on a day that dd2 can’t make is even worse than what the groom is doing to DD1. With family like this who would need enemies.

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No it doesn’t.You want dd2 to have a choice and there it is. DD 2 can go on the holiday if she wants or she goes to the wedding so both daughters get to do something fun. DD2 gets a choice where as DD1 had no choice

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 21:12

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 21:10

No really. My reply remain the same.

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Inane, yes.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 21:13

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 21:12

Inane, yes.

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In your opinion only

Feelingmuchbetter · 28/04/2025 21:15

The important and most essential element here is to protect the girls relationship which will be enduring long after these silly weddings, and long after the hag of a mill has popped her clogs, and a holiday reinforces the family bonds - which are essential far over optional relatives.

A holiday together is a wonderful idea!

Dinosaurshoebox · 28/04/2025 21:16

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 20:01

Good lord are you having an attack of the vapours? The OP has not had hordes of children with different men. Do get a grip. The younger daughter needs to learn a bit of empathy for her older sister which does mean she does not have a relationship with her grandmother/cousins

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Execpt this entire issue is because they are half sisters and one has a paternal family engaged and the other doesn't.

The younger daughter wants a relationship with a family that want her.
Why should she lose multiple loving relatives?