Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

I think BIL has been unkind with the comments about MIL "not being allowed" to see youngest alone - what on earth were you meant to do with your older DD! And it appears that youngest has a relationship with MIL and spends plenty of time alone with her now -that they have made it clear they don't want to see eldest-.

If your youngest insists that she wants to attend with MIL despite being a year older and seeing the hurt it has caused you and her sister, then I would allow it, as you did last time. DH by not attending is showing that he sees you as a family unit.

Seeing as there was "upset" last time when you declined without explanation, I would send a gracious note thanking them for the invitation but that you are unable to accept a family invitation that excludes one of your children. Wish them a happy wedding celebration and send a card with youngest on the day from the four of you.

If you read the previous thread the OP didn’t want her to go, and to quote “lost it” with her.

His family haven’t created this position alone They just haven’t. The Op had DD1 with a man who it appears is NC. If DD1 had her own paternal extended family the impact of what DD2’s extended family chose to do would be much less I’d wager.

And DD2 is carrying the burden of that and she had no control over any of it.
So the whole “actions have consequences” is harsh.

Sure, but as it stands the MIL comes over every second week, if that stops then she will probably see them a lot less.

Not sure what you mean by he's unlikely at this stage to choose his stepdaughter over his daughter, it was literally only yesterday that he spoke to his brother, the dust is only settling, he may well find himself getting angrier about this once he processes what was said, which isn't at all unusual, or later on if there are other knock on effects such as DD1 not being comfortable around MIL if she comes to visit. Or if he notices any negative attitudes in DD2 that he sees as influenced by the family.

Realistic. It's literally comon sense from OPs literal posts.

She's not in a position she has to choose.
Op has said she's going. She wants to go. They aren't going to stop her.

While I would be concerned about the comment, what is means and particularly that he spat it out, consider what he said. He said MiL didn’t see DD2 without DD1 who I think is 4 years older if if have that right, tor the first 7 years of her life.

That all her baby years, all her toddler years, all early school years. A long time.

In all that time did the OP never consider that the MiL might have valued one-to-one time with her son’s baby?

I think in 7 years an opportunity could have been found.

And DD is in her house and has a phone...so can probably mange that relationship herself.

Or, if we're just making stuff up now. The more likely scenario is that he AGAIN says he's done what he can. Doesn't go and stays home but says that DDs relationship with the family is independent and is haply for her to go.

There are no real negative attitudes.

That's not in any way more likely. He could go either way.

Op has not suggested that this is stopping. At any rate, the youngest is independently in and out of her house weekly, so has demonstrated that she is more than capable of having a relationship with her without her parents facilitating it.

As DD1 already has little to no relationship with his family, and he’s quite aware of DD2’s opinion on the subject, I suspect that if either were that big an issue for him that he would have acted before now. Sure, he may get angrier, but then he may also just be sighing internally, rolling his eyes, and waiting for it to blow over like it did last time.

If you bothered to read what I said previously I already said that!

No you sound gleeful and that is sad

Did 2 carries no burden because as the OP said she is going to wedding and she’s not going to stop contact

The OP did not say off you go to the wedding, if you read the full thread she “lost it with her”, & told her that these are also DD1s cousins when DD2 said she doesn’t see it that way.

She was let go to the wedding as DH wanted it.

I feel sorry for both girls. I do think there has to be another conversation with DD2 but I also feel sorry for her that she is caught up in a mess he has nothing to do with.

Get a grip. You're wrong.

neither does dd1

Am I?

There’s nothing wrong with DD2 going to the wedding of her cousin. None of the issues are anything to do with her.

I am racking my brains to try and remember if either set of grandparents have spent time alone with DS2.
DS1 and 2 are both biological grandchildren of 3/4 of their grandparents and neither is biological grandchild of the 4th.
There may have been a couple of hours if they visited when DS1 was at school/nursery and DS2 was very young. But I was there as well (and am only biologically related to 1/4 of the grandparents). What is this focus on protected "alone time with biological grandchild"?

I said the same with a 4 year age gap there must have been time eldest girl with as at school.

We all work off our own experiences.

Im thinking back to when we told my ILs I was pregnant, they were so excited & dying to meet baby, and names & MIL was dying to mind baby.

MIL here never had that experience with DD1 because she isn’t her grandchild. DD1 is her DLs child.

Also DD1 was 4, 4 year old are work to mind.

I think it’s something I would have thought of.

Yeah I don’t see this as a sister issue.. I’d just send either DH with DD2 or DD2 with nan again if nan is happy with that.
meanwhile I’d use the 1:1 time with DD2 to do something nice… something she likes doing that maybe the other sister doesn’t.

With my family we would visit each other as groups, all go for a Sunday lunch or longer visit for example. There wasn't any deliberate attempt at one to one times with specific grandchildren. That said I don't know if families that are near enough for "popping in" would be different.

I'm wondering if this "never seeing DD2 alone" is behind it. If grandma has been really vocal about it do the brothers think that they are doing her a favour by only inviting her to the wedding?

I’d say families that live nearer is a different dynamic. You don’t all have to travel together all the time.

Plus DD1 is not MIL’a grandchild. She shouldn’t be rude to her or treat her like some kind of black sheep, and other families members shouldn’t be doing what they are doing now but it isn’t some terrible thing to think of your grandchild differently to your DIL’s child.

I wouldn’t say it has much to do with the wedding, she clearly sees DD2 now. It is random it was brought up.

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone hasn't responded for 12 days… think she’s gone

No, you didn’t, you said ‘DD 2 can go on the holiday if she wants or she goes to the wedding so both daughters get to do something fun. DD2 gets a choice where as DD1 had no choice’

So you’re still suggesting punishing dd2 for going
to the wedding!

Can you quote the bit in which @Dinosaurshoebox sounds gleeful? Im
not seeing it at all. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want the two dds to have a close sisterly bond.