Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

Except she's also not alienating her mum as she's also said she has allowed her to go and will not stop her. ..

I'd say on the balance that's worth it.

This is not just about DD2. It's about DD1 as well. There are two children in this mix and their parents are in an impossible bind of trying to support the needs of both. One of the earliest lessons we learn as children is that actions have consequences. DD2 can of course decide what she wishes. It's also good parenting to make her aware of the consequences of that choice.

His family, alone, have put them in this unenviable position.

and ‘DD2 could lose her whole family over this’ isn’t blackmail, or manipulative?

It’s not like you actually care about damage being done to the family unit, as long as it’s being done in the name of what you hold to be right, and that harm is being inflicted on those you think deserve it.

Who said DD 2 is going to lose her other relatives? The OP has been quite clear she does not want that

Exactly

Who else thinks ops relatives are on here??? It’s odd this nonsensical defence of the terrible act of bullying and ostracising a child! I have never seen it on MN before.

Maybe that’s why op hasn’t been back….

It's not in question and this has been pointed out many times.

The embroidery on this thread has escalated to ridiculous proportions, but repeating a point ad nauseam doesn't make it true.

I literally quoted it in the post you decided to reply to.

Yes, it’s also about DD1, who is being supported by both her mum and step-dad by their refusal to attend the wedding. So DD1 is covered.

DD2 is mature enough not to cause a fuss that her parents aren’t coming with her to the wedding. DD1 is mature enough not to cause a fuss that DD2 is attending.

The only ones causing a fuss are the grown up women on this thread determined to push OP into doing things that will make her own little family implode.

More threats (yawn)

No, I don’t think the family are here but I agree the bullying and ostracising of dd2 on this thread is terrible.

What on earth are you talking about? The bullying of dd2? Is that a mistake and you have them mixed up?

Have you not seen the horrible way people
have talked about dd2, a child, on here?

I think you are deluded. Dd2 is not the issue here. It’s the treatment of dd1 that is disturbing and damaging.

I think both DD1 and DD2 are free to make their own choices. And that they’re more mature than many of the grown women on this thread.

But it’s dd2 being called names on this thread, not dd1. It can’t be nice for OP to read all these strangers making nasty comments about her daughter.

DD1 doesn't actually get a choice though. Weird that anyone would frame being included from an extended family event as a choice.

You are focusing on the wrong thing. The issue is dh, his family and their treatment of dd1

It’s easier to focus on the naming calling of DD2 (which was wholly inappropriate and unnecessary) than comment on the substantive issue of excluding one member of a family of 4.

If she does lose multiple 'loving' relatives it will be because those relatives continue to be toxic and to cause a divide within their family.

If they were that loving then they wouldn't want to cause stress or upset among the siblings and nuclear family.

DD2’s parents want their daughter to have a relationship with these relatives if she wants to, so there’s no need for her to lose them.

And that may change...as it often does when there are issues in families, and the parents then don't want to encourage the relationships anymore as they are harmful or toxic in some way.

And at 14 it's past that point.
She is now at an age where she can decide who within her family she wants to be around.

Also, OPs DH is very unlikely at this stage to chose his step daughter over his daughter when it comes to his family.

You sound almost gleeful that dd2 may not choose her sister or her mum

All the bickering on this thread it’s not surprising there is issues in families.

The original thing that happened wasn’t that bad IMO, the nephew is a young guy who was a teenager when OP got married and doesn’t really know DD1. The OP declined without explanation, then decided that the apology offered was not enough of an apology and to be offended by the word “set-up”. There were faults all around and miscommunication. He was one guy, a minor character as far as family relationships go, it wasn’t the whole family. In fact DH actually said he thought that other 50 odd wouldn’t have done it.

Now the in-laws are being downright ridiculous. I think people get very funny around weddings, they are seen are untouchable, causing a fuss over anything even justifiably is dimly viewed. Because it’s their “big day”.

So mummy of grooms is upset (unexplained) and groom no.2 is bizarrely claiming the presence of DD1 at his wedding would cast a “shadow” on his brother which I would take to mean he doesn’t want the brother to feel he’s making him look bad.

So it’s possible without being certain that the whole thing has escalated beyond anyone’s actual intention.

What’s the point of your imaginary ultimatum? OP has already said that dd2 will be going to the wedding.