Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

Do the same as last time. And don’t send a gift. To exclude a child who has been part of your husband’s family for over 14 years (you got together when she was 2 and now she’s 16?) is awful. She’s the groom’s cousin’s sister - not some random child.

Thoroughly nasty behaviour . Have things been awkward since the last wedding ?

Are they excluding your older daughter due to cost/lack of space or to prove a point? Who has been invited this time? Is it your husband, you and your younger daughter or just your husband and younger daughter?

As you are obviously all one family and your daughter has no relationship with anyone on her father's side, it does seem unkind to exclude your daughter again, when it upset her so much last time.

There have been a couple of other posts recently about the same issues, with the OP's daughters being excluded from weddings on their step-dad's side.

In those cases, it wasn't due to cost/affordability issues, but to make a point that these girls weren't considered to be 'family'.

They need to be asked why they are deliberately bullying a child 😔 I'm so sorry for your daughter

What a bunch of twats. I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom. My whole family is a mish mash of half siblings/step cousins and a few more stragglers thrown in for good measure and either everyone is invited or no one is. I can't believe people can be so hurtful for no real reason.

I'm sure if your eldest ever gets married she'll remember this when she's writing the guest list.

I remember your original thread, your poor daughter 😢

It’s crap and it says a lot about them. All you can do is the same as last time. It’s a shame your dd wants to go again but she’s a kid she doesn’t get it.

Do your daughters already know about the wedding invite? If not, I'd book a weekend away ASAP so you have an excuse as to why none of you can go. Don't make a drama out of it, it's pitting the poor girls against each other.

Yes the family are behaving horribly but you really do have a husband problem. What are you doing about the man who won't stand by and support you?

I thought the first time was cruel but doing it a second time knowing how much upset it caused is unforgivable in my eyes. I wouldn't let younger child go this time.

what a nasty bunch of bullies. I think think I would let younger one attend. Families stick together. She is old enough to understand.

I was your eldest years ago. My younger siblings (children of my DM and Step Dad) were bridesmaid and pageboy. It was an early 90’s no expense spared situation so it wasn’t about cost or numbers. I wasn’t invited and my mum didn’t question it, just packed me off to my dads for the weekend. It’s been 30 years and it still stings a little. IMHO you’re doing the best for your kids.

He didn't go to the wedding last wedding and doesn't sound like he's going again - I think that is quite a stand. OP and her husband are allowing the younger child to attend.

I read your past thread. They sound pretty horrible, tbh. You’re doing the right thing though.

What a shame they’re like that.

Awful again. Were you and your DH invited this time or just your DD? What a family. Maybe the second nephew was banned from inviting your DD1as it would highlight how badly his brother behaved not inviting her?

I think you should have come down on your youngest like a ton of bricks last time and the precedent is going to be much harder to fight now but essentially my advice is the same:

• You & your husband need to be a united front
• Either both your children are invited or neither of them attend
• If in-laws bring up "but last time.." then the response is that it was a mistake to allow it and you won't be compounding actions that are so damaging to your eldest daughter and family as a whole by repeating it.
• There is no excuse this time for ignorance as the wider family knew your feelings before. That they could be so callous towards a teen is shocking.

Do you meant you wouldn't let her attend?

I think I’d decline for all of us this time and go somewhere as a family.

Op how cruel of them. I really think you should t allow your dd to go. They are causing a massive divide among your daughters, and the resentment will be there. The first time may have been passed over as a tricky one for your dd, but I cannot imagine how this is going to make it pretty loud and clear that she isn’t part of the family.
I also think your dh is taking the easy way out. Him not going but allowing your dd to go is just appeasing them and placating you. He is a coward. How can he allow this again. I’m so sorry for your dd. This is just cruel.

Yes! Should proof read. will correct now.

What has happened at other family events in the last year? Eg Christmas? Has your eldest been invited, and if so, did she want to go? I feel for her - the comment on your last thread about her realising they weren’t family would have been a seismic shift in her thinking of her family.

I wouldn’t let the younger one go. I appreciate it might be disappointing for her but I think it’s important to stick together as a family.

imagine being such an arsehole that you write out your wedding invites and purposefully leave one girl out.
I wouldn’t go op, and fuck being polite, I’d 100% tell them why.

How horrible. I wouldn’t send younger one. All of you go on a little holiday that weekend so you can all have fun as a united family. It’s going to cause resentments between your daughters if the younger one is full of exciting stories again about another wedding her sister wasn’t invited to.

I think the hurtful thing is not just saying "this girl is not related to us" but that your DH's family is less in some way because he is not your DD's biological father. When my DC got married and invited their aunts, uncles and cousins they included everyone who was, at that time, part of those guests' households. There were lots of other guests who were not blood relatives.

It would be nice if your younger DD wanted to say to her relatives that you 4 are a family and she doesn't want to be put in the middle like this but I think you handled it well last time, letting her go with gran. If your elder DD had similar family events on her father's side this would all be easier.