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Original poster

Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

876 replies

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 15:20

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time o...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 26/04/2025 17:22

TipsyMaker · 26/04/2025 15:48

They need to be asked why they are deliberately bullying a child 😔 I'm so sorry for your daughter

I'd be asking if there's a reason they are excluding a child who's been in the family for 14 years and the non invite isn't nice feeling for a child who is wondering what she has done wrong.

If its intentional, Sounds like they are a bunch of dicks and I'd be going low contact in solidarity with my child

Whatado · 26/04/2025 17:22

GanninHyem · 26/04/2025 17:14

Youngest sounds like she fits right in with that family.

And so what if she does, they are her family. So is her sister.

She isn't doing anything wrong.

Truetoself · 26/04/2025 17:23

So even your younger daughter doesn’t see her sister as a full sibling? I would be more concerned about this. She has known her sibling her entire life and they have grown up together. How does she make this distinction?

Bigcat25 · 26/04/2025 17:23

I agree with you totally op except I wouldn't assume it's payback. It's just the way they are. Will you let the youngest go this time?

Notonthestairs · 26/04/2025 17:23

Good grief the contortions some posters are prepared make to square inviting 3 out of 4 members of a family.

The Ops husband has been in the 16 (nearly 17) year old’s life since she was 2.
14 years of the hard graft bits of parenting - the parents evenings, teaching kids to swim and cycle, squabbles about homework, GCSE’s etc. Every bit as important as blood.
She has no contact with her biological father.
For all intents and purposes he is her Dad.

They know full well that he won’t attend without her.
They may as well just have invited the youngest child and been honest about it.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/04/2025 17:24

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:01

Last time we quietly declined for all of us (later younger daughter went alone) but when we were asked we told the reason.

Groom said his wife was dealing with all the invitations and later invited us to the evening do which we declined.

MiL felt we handled it badly and instead of declining we should have asked for another invitation.

Husband blames his brother, the father of the grooms but I know that this is unfair. BiL just says it's the brides that do the inviting.

Last year's groom never really came to our house and we haven't bumped into him at MiL's either although husband has and everything is cordial.

I actually believe last year's groom that there was no malicious intent although it does illustrate that he doesn't see my eldest as family. His brother on the other hand I do think it is a means of being deliberately point scoring for upsetting his mother last time.

My daughter was 12 she is actually nearer 14 now, she sees that it is disappointing but says they are her family and not her sister's. She doesn't see that she needs to be loyal to her in this scenario.

The aftermath would be unbearable if she was banned from going and my husband thinks it would achieve the opposite of what I want, the divide between them would be greater if I stopped the younger one going. She is in and out of her gran's house and my husband wants her to have a relationship with his family and he thinks occasions like this cement relationships . He thinks his absence is enough to demonstrate to me where his loyalties lie.

You say of your youngest daughter, She is in and out of her gran's house and my husband wants her to have a relationship with his family and he thinks occasions like this cement relationships. Is the same true of your eldest daughter, is she also in and out of your MiL’s house and does she make an effort with your husbands side of the family as much as her sister does?

ohdearagain2 · 26/04/2025 17:24

I'm sorry so this is your husband's nephew's wedding? Unless there is a backstory ..... how close is your eldest daughter to your husband's nephew and wife to be? I could understand your upset at an uncle or aunt so sibling to your husband....but husband's nephew is a bit too far removed for me to be that concerned about going / not going.

adviceneeded1990 · 26/04/2025 17:24

I’d decline for all of you and take your kids for a nice day out somewhere. I’d also seriously consider cutting contact with these people before the relationship between your children is damaged.

CatsWhiskerz · 26/04/2025 17:28

People are diagustjng! I'll bet they'd soon change their tune if they had a similar situation forced onto them!
I'd decline, thanks for the invitation, however as our whole family wasn't invited we will all have to decline.

BethDuttonYeHaw · 26/04/2025 17:28

What a bunch of nasty bastards they are

Blueblell · 26/04/2025 17:30

This scenario seems to be coming up a lot lately. She should be invited she is a child in your household, your DH obviously considers her his daughter and is loyal to her for refusing to go. I would be tempted to book a family holiday during the time of the wedding.

NeringaCS · 26/04/2025 17:30

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 26/04/2025 16:16

Agree with this. If you allow your youngest to go now you are setting them up for decades of resentment for them both, and decades of feelings of rejection for the oldest. Either you all go, or none of you. And I’d be reconsidering ‘family’ events in general. You see your mil, but why does that have to involve other relatives? Visit as a family, then go home. In your last thread you said your husband wouldn’t forgive his brother for that, but they were together at their mother’s house. He doesn’t seem to feel very strongly about this, it’s easy to say this and that but he’s obviously okay with it all isn’t he? I think you and your oldest daughter are alone in your feelings. Your husband doesn’t mind 😵‍💫.

Show quote history

Unfortunately, the younger daughter wants to go, and will resent her older sister for it if she is prevented from doing so. There is simply no option here that doesn’t lead to one daughter resenting the other.

CopperWhite · 26/04/2025 17:30

It seems petty and childish to me to try and claim this is some kind of payback for last time. It’s to separate wedding and two separate couples.

The only thing that they will have taken from the last wedding is that your husband isn’t that fussed about seeing his nephews marry so maybe thought it’s not that big a deal this time either. The person in your family that cares about being there can still be there.

Your husbands brother cannot control who his children and their partners invite to their wedding and it is unfair to hold this against him.

I don’t see why this has to be made into such a big drama. Your daughter can’t be that bothers about her step dads brothers sons wedding. Like you said, you never see these people.

Munnygirl · 26/04/2025 17:31

Anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 26/04/2025 15:59

I was your eldest years ago. My younger siblings (children of my DM and Step Dad) were bridesmaid and pageboy. It was an early 90’s no expense spared situation so it wasn’t about cost or numbers. I wasn’t invited and my mum didn’t question it, just packed me off to my dads for the weekend. It’s been 30 years and it still stings a little. IMHO you’re doing the best for your kids.

Your mother was totally in the wrong and should have supported you! I’m furious for you

Anora · 26/04/2025 17:33

I agree your eldest daughter should have been invited to both weddings. However, in my experience, people rarely react well to being ’called out’ for their behaviour. I think your Mother-in-Law probably has the most insight here having heard both sides; the first groom’s wider family (parents, siblings etc.) may have felt it was rude of your household to decline the first invitation without explanation and then wait to be asked why rather than approaching them and asking for an extra invite at the outset. They possibly perceive that your household caused them extra stress and family drama at an already stressful time. Plus the second couple may feel that inviting your whole household makes the first couple look bad or suggests they were in the wrong.

Would you all have attended either wedding if they subsequently extended the invitation to include your eldest?

Silvertulips · 26/04/2025 17:35

I have a large family. We always budge up and make room - half siblings, step siblings, they are all treated the same and all welcome.

Other families are more entrenched in ‘blood line’ it’s pathetic.

People are people, I also wouldn’t go - your younger daughter will realize what the issues are later down the line -

Daleksatemyshed · 26/04/2025 17:36

What unpleasant people they are, not content with missing out one DC from a family wedding they are now doing it again. Step families are difficult, if people don't see step siblings as family then fair enough to ignore each other when you're adults but this has become bullying to a DC. One day Op they might need your help, I'm afraid I'd tell them to do one

viques · 26/04/2025 17:41

To be honest you set a precedent last time by sending the younger one. Stand firm this time. No one goes.

MadinMarch · 26/04/2025 17:42

123EndOfRope67 · 26/04/2025 15:54

Do your daughters already know about the wedding invite? If not, I'd book a weekend away ASAP so you have an excuse as to why none of you can go. Don't make a drama out of it, it's pitting the poor girls against each other.

Edited

Even better, make it a week away to somewhere really lovely!

Overthemountaim · 26/04/2025 17:43

I wouldn’t even reply.

Minnie798 · 26/04/2025 17:46

I also think this is relevant. What is the dynamic- is youngest dd much more involved with dh's side of the family on a day to day basis, compared with eldest dd. Dh, in laws and dh's brother aren't in control of the wedding invites. The nephew and his bride to be are. So I don't think the lack of invite for eldest dd should sour relationships with the entire family.
I wouldn't personally be comfortable with excluding one person out of a family of four though.

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 17:48

adviceneeded1990 · 26/04/2025 17:24

I’d decline for all of you and take your kids for a nice day out somewhere. I’d also seriously consider cutting contact with these people before the relationship between your children is damaged.

That absolutely would seriously risk damaging not just the relationship between the siblings, but between OP and her youngest too.

The youngest is nearly 14. Even at 12 she was quite willing to stand up to her mother and reject that idea that her relationships with her own paternal family are dependent on their relationship with her sister. She’s not just going to quietly nod along and acquiesce.

Helen1625 · 26/04/2025 17:50

It's hard to believe that people can be so cruel/thoughtless at times. If your daughter was much older, had her own home, her own family etc you could half understand their logic. But she's a child and has been your husband's stepdaughter living under the same roof for however many years. How can they justify inviting 3 out 4 members of the same household? Would one extra person at the wedding really break the bank? It's spiteful.

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 17:52

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 16:59

In fairness I worded that badly, but no way would I have let my daughter think it OK to go along with something like this no matter how much she wanted to. For the sake of her relationship with her sister, one of the most formative of her life, she should have been told it was inappropriate of her to go.

Show quote history

That’s exactly what OP did last time. Funnily enough, the youngest continued to disagree with her mother.

Preventing her from going could also have resulted in considerable damage being done to the relationship between the sisters, and between OP and her youngest.

Trovindia · 26/04/2025 17:53

I would take the eldest to a theme park for the day, ideally one your youngest would love to go to. Although actually I would stop the eldest going as I wouldn't allow my family to be split like this and a teenage girl doesn't get to call the shots. But if you won't do that then at least make it painful for your youngest to be behaving so badly and rewarding for your eldest. I would also be having minimal contact with DHs entire family from now on and not facilitating your youngest to go over.