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Original poster

Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

876 replies

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 15:20

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time o...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 26/04/2025 16:54

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 16:04

I think you should have come down on your youngest like a ton of bricks last time and the precedent is going to be much harder to fight now but essentially my advice is the same:

  • You & your husband need to be a united front
  • Either both your children are invited or neither of them attend
  • If in-laws bring up "but last time.." then the response is that it was a mistake to allow it and you won't be compounding actions that are so damaging to your eldest daughter and family as a whole by repeating it.
  • There is no excuse this time for ignorance as the wider family knew your feelings before. That they could be so callous towards a teen is shocking.

I have to agree with this. I was heartbroken for your eldest last time but this, this is something else entirely. To do it again is unforgivable and I would have nothing to do with any of them ever again.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 26/04/2025 16:54

Out of curiosity, OP, why hasn't your husband adopted your daughter if her own father is out of her life, and he's been her 'father' essentially since she was 2.

I do think you should have all been invited since you've been a family for roughly 15 years, the girls are sisters, and your husband treats her as his. I think his family is pretty shitty to be doing this to the girls, and I wouldn't go either under the circumstances.

Truetoself · 26/04/2025 16:55

I would all avoid this time. The younger one’s loyalty should be with her sister

Genevieva · 26/04/2025 16:58

Arrange an outing your younger one would choose over another wedding.

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 16:59

KarmaKameelion · 26/04/2025 16:39

I’m sorry but I completely disagree! You come down on a tonne of bricks on someone if they do something wrong and this is not a 12 year olds fault at all! This is for the adults to sort out. the 12 year old did no wrong. She is 12, of course she wants to go to a wedding.

Show quote history

In fairness I worded that badly, but no way would I have let my daughter think it OK to go along with something like this no matter how much she wanted to. For the sake of her relationship with her sister, one of the most formative of her life, she should have been told it was inappropriate of her to go.

Louisiannadaisy · 26/04/2025 17:00

You need to find your voice and show your daughter how you address these issues when they pop up in life. Don’t teach her it’s ok to be treated this and that you suffer in silence. No you simply tell them straight how hurtful and poor the behaviour has been. Your husband should be doing this he is her step dad and male role model now he is teaching her his family can treat her that way and he is silent.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:01

Last time we quietly declined for all of us (later younger daughter went alone) but when we were asked we told the reason.

Groom said his wife was dealing with all the invitations and later invited us to the evening do which we declined.

MiL felt we handled it badly and instead of declining we should have asked for another invitation.

Husband blames his brother, the father of the grooms but I know that this is unfair. BiL just says it's the brides that do the inviting.

Last year's groom never really came to our house and we haven't bumped into him at MiL's either although husband has and everything is cordial.

I actually believe last year's groom that there was no malicious intent although it does illustrate that he doesn't see my eldest as family. His brother on the other hand I do think it is a means of being deliberately point scoring for upsetting his mother last time.

My daughter was 12 she is actually nearer 14 now, she sees that it is disappointing but says they are her family and not her sister's. She doesn't see that she needs to be loyal to her in this scenario.

The aftermath would be unbearable if she was banned from going and my husband thinks it would achieve the opposite of what I want, the divide between them would be greater if I stopped the younger one going. She is in and out of her gran's house and my husband wants her to have a relationship with his family and he thinks occasions like this cement relationships . He thinks his absence is enough to demonstrate to me where his loyalties lie.

OP posts:
Whatado · 26/04/2025 17:02

Truetoself · 26/04/2025 16:55

I would all avoid this time. The younger one’s loyalty should be with her sister

Why?

It's not her fault her sisters fathers family aren't around, and hers is. Nor should her ability to have a relationship with them be dependent on her sisters.

This is the reality of blended families, and actually it's much healthier to acknowledge that.

We are a blended family. A mix of step siblings, half and full siblings. We may treat them all the same and have the same relationships and expectations of each other.

That doesn't mean all their extended families will and they shouldn't have to. Nor should any of their relationships or ability to have a relationship with them be dependent on it.

Would I do it no, would I stop any of the kids doing or going to something with their extended family that the other wasn't included in. No. I would do something with the one who wasn't myself and DH would go with the other. Or visa versa.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 26/04/2025 17:04

I wouldn’t let your youngest go now to make the biggest point

Anewdawnanewname · 26/04/2025 17:04

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:01

Last time we quietly declined for all of us (later younger daughter went alone) but when we were asked we told the reason.

Groom said his wife was dealing with all the invitations and later invited us to the evening do which we declined.

MiL felt we handled it badly and instead of declining we should have asked for another invitation.

Husband blames his brother, the father of the grooms but I know that this is unfair. BiL just says it's the brides that do the inviting.

Last year's groom never really came to our house and we haven't bumped into him at MiL's either although husband has and everything is cordial.

I actually believe last year's groom that there was no malicious intent although it does illustrate that he doesn't see my eldest as family. His brother on the other hand I do think it is a means of being deliberately point scoring for upsetting his mother last time.

My daughter was 12 she is actually nearer 14 now, she sees that it is disappointing but says they are her family and not her sister's. She doesn't see that she needs to be loyal to her in this scenario.

The aftermath would be unbearable if she was banned from going and my husband thinks it would achieve the opposite of what I want, the divide between them would be greater if I stopped the younger one going. She is in and out of her gran's house and my husband wants her to have a relationship with his family and he thinks occasions like this cement relationships . He thinks his absence is enough to demonstrate to me where his loyalties lie.

I agree with him, he’s standing by you and DD1, while letting DD2 make her own decisions.

I’d still be taking DD1 away for a fun weekend.

muggart · 26/04/2025 17:05

my husband thinks it would achieve the opposite of what I want, the divide between them would be greater if I stopped the younger one going

i agree with him. your youngest isn’t a prop for your eldest, don’t treat her like one.

how you could potentially nudge her towards choosing to decline by planning something even better on that weekend…

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 26/04/2025 17:07

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone dont go. book a long weekend away with both kids and dh. they can get stuffed! nasty family! perhaps you need to teach the younger daughter about loyalty to her immediate family/

Fioratourer · 26/04/2025 17:07

I would have lost patience with them. I would be booking to be away and do something nice with your girls. I’m not sure what point they are trying to prove. If I had a step child that I saw as my own or as near enough I would feel protective of them and the relationship between their siblings.

nomas · 26/04/2025 17:07

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:01

Last time we quietly declined for all of us (later younger daughter went alone) but when we were asked we told the reason.

Groom said his wife was dealing with all the invitations and later invited us to the evening do which we declined.

MiL felt we handled it badly and instead of declining we should have asked for another invitation.

Husband blames his brother, the father of the grooms but I know that this is unfair. BiL just says it's the brides that do the inviting.

Last year's groom never really came to our house and we haven't bumped into him at MiL's either although husband has and everything is cordial.

I actually believe last year's groom that there was no malicious intent although it does illustrate that he doesn't see my eldest as family. His brother on the other hand I do think it is a means of being deliberately point scoring for upsetting his mother last time.

My daughter was 12 she is actually nearer 14 now, she sees that it is disappointing but says they are her family and not her sister's. She doesn't see that she needs to be loyal to her in this scenario.

The aftermath would be unbearable if she was banned from going and my husband thinks it would achieve the opposite of what I want, the divide between them would be greater if I stopped the younger one going. She is in and out of her gran's house and my husband wants her to have a relationship with his family and he thinks occasions like this cement relationships . He thinks his absence is enough to demonstrate to me where his loyalties lie.

Yes, I think you’re right to let younger dd go, especially as she’s in out of her gran’s house all the time.

She is old enough to make her own reasonable choices without being punished for them.

I wonder how these grooms and their mum will feel when one day your elder dd gets married and invites them - or not.

Iloveacurry · 26/04/2025 17:08

I remember your last thread. How unkind of them.

crumblingschools · 26/04/2025 17:09

If your daughter doesn’t see the family as being anything to do with her half sister I’m not sure why you would expect the rest of the family to.

Witchlite · 26/04/2025 17:09

Book an absolutely amazing holiday. The sort both daughters would enjoy.

then give DD2 the choice - wedding or holiday. Either way DD1 is not left out.

i think DD2 needs a stern discussion re family loyalty. Who is most important, her sister or her cousins. It is unfortunate that cousins are forcing this issue, but they are forcing you to confront it with her.

AmateurNoun · 26/04/2025 17:12

How many times has the groom met the older child?

My cousins have a half-sister but I have only met her once. I would see her as a relative of my cousins rather than one of my relatives.

This keeps coming up in a number of threads and I tend to think this is one of the things you have to accept when you attempt to blend a family. You cannot force other people to see your oldest as their relative if they don't.

I'd personally invite her though if I thought she was going to be upset at not being invited, even if I didn't really see her as a relative.

feelingrobbed · 26/04/2025 17:13

I think your husband is correct. Your youngest needs to go if she wants to. She can’t be penalised for them being dicks.

GanninHyem · 26/04/2025 17:14

Youngest sounds like she fits right in with that family.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:15

Oh the idea of being away to treat my eldest daughter wasn't something she was interested in last time and I don't think it will cut it this time either, I do also think there is potential of rubbing salt in the wounds, by offering a trip it is as if she is missing something amazing. I am not expressing myself well. I hope people understand what I am trying to say.

OP posts:
nomas · 26/04/2025 17:18

I understand Op, and I think you’re right to act blasé, these people’s pathetic wedding shouldn’t be a cause of despair. Your elder dd not wanting to go on holiday suggests she has the right attitude too.

Gymly · 26/04/2025 17:19

If DD2 is in and out of her gran's house all the time - presumably the one her sister has no blood link to - then is that a habitual difference between them anyway? Is DD1 in and out of her step-gran's house at all or is that just DD2?

If it's a week in, week out entrenched difference between them anyway then I think the damage is already done, and the wedding is a fairly natural extension of your normal. Which is possibly worse for your DD1, but also makes it not a new problem. Whereas if they are both normally welcome and DD1 is just being excluded from the wedding it's weirder.

KarmaKameelion · 26/04/2025 17:21

GanninHyem · 26/04/2025 17:14

Youngest sounds like she fits right in with that family.

We are taking about a young teen trying to navigate family dynamics and the shitty actions of adults. I don’t feel there is any need to say horrible things about a young girl

ohdearagain2 · 26/04/2025 17:21

I think its nasty to not include your eldest...but your hubby has done the right thing and stood by you/her - there is no reason why youngest shouldn't go.

In reality you will never forgive them for the first time this happened so just draw a line in the sand, let your youngest see her family and get on with your life.

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