Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

Do you not think the adults in her paternal family who are behaving like this (and presumably always have) are the reason the 14 year old thinks it’s ok? It’s probably too late now though because you’re right, a 14 year old won’t just agree and will have their own opinions. It’s sad that it’s got this far.

Send a reply saying, if the invite doesn’t include the whole family no, one will be going!

Not sure why you think it would be less damaging, when even OP and her husband recognized how badly such an action would backfire on them all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The youngest isn’t responsible for her sister any more than her paternal family is. It isn’t their fault that the eldest does not have a relationship with her own, and nor is it their duty to compensate for that.

Why is it ‘nasty’? It’s the truth, and one they’re all aware of, even if OP would like it not to be. She verbalized it in response to OP trying to push her own viewpoint, which she wasn’t and isn’t going to accept as the ‘right one’.

It was always going to happen, to them yr children rnt related and u wont change their minds.

That’s so sad. I remember your last post and can’t believe that they are doing it yet again.

I do agree with your husband but I fear that this could cause conflict in your daughters one day.

Take your eldest away for the weekend when it’s the wedding.

I am sorry OP. You're in a truly impossible position.
The idea of banning DD2 is laughable as that's a sure fire way to nuke the relationship between the half sisters.

I don't know why people are preaching die hard sisterly bonds as if there aren't constant posts about how much posters dislike their siblings.

Dd2 loves her family. That's it.
And OP has tried the brobe of a brilliant day. It didn't work.

To try harder is just telling DD2 that these fun days are only for her half sisters benefit. Not hers.

I think it’s okay, so I don’t see the issue with the 14 year old thinking the same. Maybe, maybe not. It could have been something she picked up independently of them as well, as it isn’t in fact an unusual blended family dynamic at all (for some
of us this is the normal dynamic, and the ‘all in, exactly like a nuclear family’ model is the weird one).

I think so. Her dad staying away says so much more than throwing money at the problem, at this age.

We are not going to agree. I would never allow my child to be treated like this, not even by her sister. These people are horrible. She has been in their lives since she was a toddler.

I just cant imagine what goes through their heads when they are sending out invitations... I would make my thoughts known to your younger DD & then leave it up to her. She's old enough to make a decision, although I know at that age I wouldn't have gone if my sister was being left out.

Is there a reason your DH hasn't adopted your eldest child @Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone

No, we are not.

Not sure how you’d stop a determined 14 year old (or her adult self), particularly if your husband wasn’t going to support you in doing so.

Originally I said I’d allow dd2 to go, but I think they’ve sent this invite out knowing that the same would happen last time. I wouldn’t let her go, and if MIL phones up begging then she can be told that one time was accidentally cruel, but for it to happen twice is purposely cruel and you won’t be enabling them to create a rift in your family. Get a weekend away booked before it kicks off and tell the kids you already had that booked.

And what would you do to control her?
And how long do you think you could do it?
What if the realtionahip is nuked?

What about if DD2 then invites her cousins and paternal family over DD1?

This treatment by your DH’s family also puts your younger daughter in an awkward position having to go off to a family wedding without the rest of her immediate family. It’s very odd.

I think in this situation, where you have been a single household for well over a decade, to NOT invite your eldest daughter is making a pointed declaration. It's not something that can be passed off as a bride being in charge of invitations etc. This is twice, the same point being made with full knowledge of your feelings on the first - including your DH's. They're telling him what they think of him too.

If you had had an orphaned niece living with your and your DH this long, to not invite that child to weddings but invite the three other members of the household (a wedding, a time of celebration with friends of family, where one more makes little difference) would be cruel enough. To not invite a half-sister is to treat her no better than a lodger who lives in your house.

I would be telling my eldest, and allowing my youngest to hear, that this says more about BIL and his family (doing nothing, not stepping in to correct an error is just as bad as committing the error in the first place, especially second time over) are not people whose values to admire, that you're different and choose to have a more generous and inclusive understanding of the meaning of family and that you hope she (your eldest) can take that more generous definition into her own life when she has freedom to make and choose who constitutes her family. That your DH is staying away is enormously helpful (and well done to him - this is the message your eldest needs to receive). Your youngest will soon be old enough to learn some hard truths, too. Yes, these people are her family. So is her half sister. These people are making her choose.

As for how to stop this bleeding into other aspects of your family life... Blended families aren't for me. Life is difficult enough as it is.

I would feel very disappointed if my DD felt like her sister “wasn’t family” to her cousins etc, because she isn’t blood related and would be concerned that she’s being influenced by your MIL, in a really bad way. Have you guys explained to her how this is for her sister and asked her to reflect on how she’d feel if roles were reversed? This attitude needs correcting, so that DH’s family can’t corrupt her.

I think a trip away would be a good idea - she knows that you and DH would normally go to the wedding, and you're not going as she's not. I expect her younger sister will have pointed this out to her, it sounds like she likes being special and having a relationship with your inlaws that your older daughter doesn't have.

I think your DH is sending a very strong sign by not going, he's standing up for your older daughter.

I can see that it could be difficult to tell your younger daughter that she can't go, but how dissapointing that she won't show some loyalty to her sister and skip it.

So I think you should go away for a few days with the money you're saving on going to the wedding. Something your DD would really like - Rome for museums, Barcelona for a football match, sailing in Croatia? Your younger DD can

Sorry you're going through this again, it does seem deliberate and nasty.

Lots of people are saying that of course OP's elder daughter isn't part of their family so why should they invite her. Most people invite non-blood related people to their weddings, such as friends, spouses of family members and the plus ones of other guests that they may not have even met before.

It is incredibly bad mannered to leave out one member of a nuclear family of four people. This time, as opposed to last time where it was more of an oversight, it seems more deliberate and spiteful as a punishment for OP and her DH deciding not to attend last time.

Half sister. She wants to go a family members wedding. Her half sister is not related to the people having the wedding.

She should of course be allowed to go if she wants to go.

OP this is horrible. Do you DDs know? I actually think in your situation I would book a family holiday or trip for you, DH and both our DDs so nobody can go. I don't think any of you should be put in that position.

I have a "step" niece I have step in brackets as I actually hate calling her that. She is my niece just as much as my other biological nieces are. I can't ever imagine leaving her out of a large family event like a wedding. Please try take your DDs away if you can do and get your dh to tell his family he is taking his wife and daughters away. Ensuring empathsis on both daughter. None of you need this toxic family around you least of all your girls.

OP ‘lost it’ at her daughter last time, and tried to strong arm her into agreeing. It didn’t work.

Not sharing OP’s opinion does not mean the youngest is ‘wrong’, or that she’s been corrupted.

People acting like half siblings always grow up to be so close and loving towards each other rather than just two people who share one parent and see each other at big life events and here and there

The youngest Dd shouldn’t be banned from going it is her family. This isn’t new it’s been long going on that dh’s family don’t see op’s child as family.

If op bans the youngest the resentment will do more damage to the mother daughter relationship than any kind of healing between siblings in fact likely just more resentment of sacrificing her family for someone else.

Blending families always fails for at least one person in the mix.

When families become 'blended' you don't leave out part of the ingredients of the whole recipe,dreadful behaviour.

Some ingredients don’t blend well well they just spoil.