Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

I can't believe I just read that.

Yep! I have very little body confidence so if someone said this to me I'd have actually felt sick with worry I was being judged by regular gym goers and probably wouldn't have returned. I'm absolutely thrilled to know that there's gyms out there that will take action and support women (or men!) from inappropriate judgey men. Hooray!!

So ultimately he's embarrassed he's been caught out by you and had to confess to being a dick, but doesn't actually think what he did was actually dickish? He doesn't see it was an issue? He's sorry he got caught, not sorry for what he did.

I mean how would he even know unless he was staring at her arse? Totally inappropriate

Well it might have been in his eyeline but anyway. I suspect there is more to this than he is saying OP. You could check with the gym to be sure.

What “decent guy” makes comments like that to women who are trying to exercise? 🤮

I wouldn't be happy if a random man was watching my arse when i was trying to squat. Mostly youd never know, but if they then came up to you and commented on it, id feel self conscious and like I was bursting out of my clothes.

Why are men like that? Ugh

Exactly. A comment like this would be enough to stop me going back to the gym completely.

Whether the woman is ‘difficult’ or not, I do think the comment was inappropriate. It’d make me feel uncomfortable as I’d feel someone has been watching my bum and that there was some kind of implicit comment about my weight. I do think the gym over reacted though and banning was disproportionate for one comment.
But I think there’s other things to consider. Clearly your BF was watching this woman. And clearly he was watching such that he felt he needed to comment. I get that he says it was jokey but it’s either just offensive really or kind of potentially trying to flirt with her maybe? Would he say the same to man? I doubt it. You know him best and I hope things work out. Best wishes.

Lessoned learned for him though to jerk himself to himself

What a hilariously ironic typo

He is a creep . I would get major ick

If making unwanted misoginistic comments to other women and lying to you are not red flags I don't know what constitutes red flags for you. If someone in the gym made that sort of comment I too would complaint.

signed: another "difficult" woman.

People are calling her a victim because she is a victim, of sexual harassment. Your embarrassing whataboutery doesn't change that. If a man was the victim of sexually inappropriate comments by a woman while he was trying to work out, he would be a victim too.
No-one is saying not to look at other people, or speak to them. What people are saying is don't look at the bum of a strange woman and make a comment about her leggings splitting. Men seem to manage not to make creepy and inappropriate comments to other men so I'm sure if they try really hard then they can manage to treat women like humans too.

It’s because my phone autocorrected and what I meant to say is keep himself to himself. It comes out with some weird stuff.

Please however feel free to be offended :)

He was treated appropriately. It is not the gyms job to teach adult men not to approach and be "laddish" around women who are working out and did not ask for their bodies to be commented on by a stranger. If he does not agree, he is not genuinely remorseful as he still does not understand the impact creepy behaviour like that has on women.

A less confident women who couldn't stand up for herself might have been put off going back to the gym.

Time he grew up and took responsibility for his behaviour. Has he considered, accepting the ban is entirely his fault, he has been treated fairly and attempting to genuinely apologise to her, perhaps through a letter via the gym? Not to get back into the gym, but to show her he now understands how she might have felt, why she complained and why he was banned.

Women need to challenge the behaviour and not laugh it off as it makes men think it’s ok.

The gym needs to stop her filming in the gym as its other peoples personal space.

the fact that she would harass the gym unless he was banned means they need to also look at her membership.

Women need to keep doing what keeps them safe from men who are a potential threat. If that is laughing in the moment and reporting the behavior after then they is exactly the right thing to do.

The OP hasn't mentioned the woman filming in the gym at all, just that she films her workouts, location unknown. If she is though and if the gym isn't happy with that then that is a completely separate issue for the gym to deal with than the sexual harassment.

We have no idea, again, that the victim would 'harass' the gym. We just know, from the questionable gym employee that she wouldn't let it go. Which she is right to do, having made a complaint. She is the victim in this situation and if the gym isn't seen to be acting to keep women safe there then they are failing their clients.

What made you take such a victim blaming response though? Poor little chap couldn't help making offensive comments because the nasty lady was flaunting herself on camera and laughed at his rank comment.

Why was he staring in the first place, nevermind commenting. I don’t look at anyone in the gym beyond a glance

Absolutely this.

Has that occurred to you @ScarlettRunner ?

I suspect ScarlettRunner has done a scarlett runner from the thread.

Filming her workout could mean she had solid evidence that the bf was sexually harassing her. So maybe it was a good thing that she was filming.

This is concerning. No humility or wanting to apologise or learn - just poor ickle me with my jokes.

So the cycle continues where women laugh it off. When does it stop? This is what fuels the incel culture as men think they are laughing either at them or with them. She could probably kick his ass if he tried to touch her.

They were in the gym, not a dark alley.

nobody talks to each other anymore

When (some, not all, but enough) men stop being entitled cunts and people stop blaming women for their poor behavior. That's when.
You could help improve things by not blaming women for men being incels.

Really?! He made an inappropriate, unsolicited comment to someone - I'm assuming someone he doesn't know well- and they rightly complained. He's a creep. We need to move on from this narrative that women are "overreacting " when men overstep boundaries.