Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

Why was he even watching a woman squatting in the first place, then to have watched so closely to have formed an opinion about her leggings and then to further state that opinion to her is bizarre. Clearly he knows what he said was wrong or he would have told you and not lied about it.

I think there was more to it tbh. If the woman felt uncomfortable enough to make a complaint then that in itself tells you the behaviour was wrong. This is the time we live in now. Even whistling at a woman in the street is classed as sexual abuse and builders etc would be sacked for that. Women should be able to work out without being made to feel uncomfortable.

how does your college even know about it?! Has the woman told her? It’s embarrassing for you really isn’t it?! I would be super pissed off tbh

The thing is, women shouldn’t have to endure any unwanted personal comments from men at all. They range from unwanted and unneeded technique “advice” to personal remarks like that and worse. His comment was mild but unless gyms have a zero tolerance policy it’ll never end. A man in a gym I used to go to got away with personal comments for years and it escalated to the point he suggested naked yoga and wore no underwear under his shorts and started flashing women on purpose in classes.

I think what would put me off him the most is that he feels hard done by over this! He’s playing the victim and that would give me the ick.

Plus he never told you the truth until you confronted him with the truth. He should never have put you in a situation where ex-colleagues know more than you do, and where you’re left confused when they approach you. That’s the sign of being in a shitty relationship.

Finally, you say the woman at the gym is attractive and likely had an attractive figure. That’s exactly why he made the “innocent” comment to her. It’s not innocent really, as isn’t going to say that to some middle-aged overweight male stranger in the gym. I hate when men sexualise women working out, it creates a really uncomfortable environment/culture at the gym. So whilst I get he made the comment once and was kicked out, it’s still a situation that he should reflect on and consider that he messed up - as opposed to playing the victim.

Yeh it does happen but works both ways. Heard really vile and disturbing comments coming from women as well so not just men that do it. There are people on here calling this woman a victim. It’s human nature to look at others and as someone said earlier the rule in the gym is you don't look or talk to anyone is just ridiculous. There will be plenty relationships come about in the gym. It’s something both parties have in common. OP’s boyfriend made a stupid comment and obviously offended her by insinuating she had a big arse and if he didn't know before will realise now that it was wrong and inappropriate and wont be tolerated and has been banned for his behaviour. It doesnt make him a predator or sex pest.

It wasn't 'clumsy' and he didn't 'say it to the wrong person' his comment was sexual harassment and it's the reason why me and so many other women have stopped going to the gym.
He was banned from the gym for sexual harassment, and the more people start calling this shit out for what it is, the safer it will be for women to go about their daily life without having to experience men harrasing them and expecting them to laugh it off!

People don’t need experience of ‘proper’ relationships to understand not to lie to others. You are excusing him because he is ‘a gentleman’ to you, only he is just presenting you with what you want to see. His true self is a man who not only makes inappropriate comments to women but lies to the one person he should always be open and honest with. I’m not getting at you but you need to open your eyes and see the person he is showing you that he really is. You will never be able to trust to either be honest, faithful or protective of you. Fuck that.

@ScarlettRunner If you were out on the street bending over to pick up something and a strange man came up to you and said - 'I thought your trousers were going to split' - would you find it funny? Now if you had to see the same strange man every day, would you feel more conscious about your clothes and how to bent down in front of him?

Just because it happened in a gym, to a strange woman and not you, doesn't make your bf's behaviour at all acceptable. He's a grown man and in 2025 with all the social media and public attention on men not commenting on women's bodies - he has no excuse to not understand why she'd feel uncomfortable. He isn't passing comments on the guys's clothing and bodies is he?? It's not just what he's said that's the issue, it's the fact he - (i) leches at strange women's bodies and then comments on them (ii) negs them and makes them feel uncomfortable with subtle put downs (iii) thinks he has the right to comment on women's bodies and if they complain it's an overreaction. Being laddie is ok behaviour with his mates, not strange women at the gym, workplace or on the street.

Doesn't matter how much of a gentleman he is to you, he's still creepy AF to other women. There's plenty of men who are lovely to their mums, daughters and gfs but treat other women like crap. Wayne Couzens was lovely to his own wife and children - doesn't make him a nice guy. You can't teach a grown man to respect women if he doesn't even think he's done something wrong.

Nope. It shouldn't happen. If a man I didn't know said that to me in a gym I'd definitely report it and ask that he be removed. Is it so difficult to ask men to behave like civilised human beings? The sad thing is that the OP still wants to be with this creep......

@ScarlettRunner he was being the gym creep . Yuck Of course he didn’t tell you then you would know what he really does at the gym (perv on females )
This is who he is are you happy to be with him now you know the real him ?

Urgh, he made a highly inappropriate comment to a woman he doesn’t know, after watching her doing squats at the gym. This is disgusting. It probably wasn’t the first time he’s done it.

Also if men can avoid commenting on other men's arses in the changing rooms or communal showers - they can absolutely avoid commenting on women's arses in public. The difference is they respect other men and know they'd be punched if they dared, but they know women would be too nervous or afraid to confront them and if they do it's overreacting. Ugh, how in 2025 do men like this still end up with gfs?!!

I'm an old man and even I know you don't comment on women's bodies in a public space. It doesn't matter if it's jokey, complimentary or belittling in intent, you just don't.

He shouldn’t have made the comment. He’s clearly staring at women’s arses/bodies and then pushing it further by making derogatory/flirty comments.
He then lied because he knew he was being inappropriate and didn’t want you to know about it. Strange how he commented to a “stunning” woman.

Glancing/noticing is one thing but gawping/leering…..no.

Women of all sizes deserve a safe space to workout that’s free of perverts. It’s a shame the staff don’t respect this either.

Exactly. I had an older man be really rude to me about my running once and l thought this too. He wouldn't say it to another man. And at least l waa doing something to keep fit.

I actually don't think the gym overreacted! I am glad they took this measure of zero tolerance on a misogynistic and creepy comment! Have you considered how you would feel if you were doing a workout and a man had approached you and said that to you! It would mean that man had been watching you exercise! Why can women not exsist in a place and not receive unwanted comments? He knows it was an inappropriate comment and that is why he has hidden this from you.

As you have read the mail and can confirm it was what it was is good.
That he lied is a huge red flag.

Women should be able to go to a gym without having to fend off comments that are only funny to the person making them.

Of course she laughed in the moment.
She had every right to tell the gym that she didn't want to deal with this again.

You sound happy to move on.

It would give me the Ick that he is that type of a bit of a sleazy creep that needs to verbalise his thoughts.

I think he has shown you he is extremely immature but if that is what you are happy to settle for, so be it.

That woman has every right to not have to listen to his rubbish.
You are looking at it as one little comment.
What if she has half a dozen idiots every session talking such shite at her?
Not pleasant.

HE needs to grow up, learn some respect for women, and keep his sleazy thoughts to himself.

The fact that the message said that is quite unprofessional from a business.

I wonder how he'd feel if a man had said that to you at the gym?

Many women are already uncomfortable about going to the gym because of how some men behave. There are lots of posts on fitness sites where women want to modify their workouts (squats, hip thrusts, glute bridges etc) in mixed-sex gyms because of this attitude. It's such a shame that women's health and fitness is being affected in this way.

Regarding your relationship, it's also concerning that he lied and hid this from you. It doesn't sound like he'd have ever told you. In a relationship he could have asked your opinion and thought about how you'd feel if someone said that to you.

Really?

Would love to know the name of the gym that speaks of clients wishing not to hassled by creeps, while working out, as " a pain in the arse".

OP, know this, your relationship bar is really low and you are likely to regret it some day.

There is a reason single sex gyms and time slots do well in gyms.....to avoid creeps that oggle.

I wonder if OP can tell us which gym so everyone can avoid it and it’s misogynistic staff

This is why I use a women’s only gym

I wouldn’t be mad at him.

Lessoned learned for him though to jerk himself to himself. People get offended over anything now.

Your boyfriend is a creep and a liar. And he feels like he’s the victim in all of this. 🤯

I’d be dumping him.

If the OP doesn't report that message she's colluding with the behaviour he's been banned for and I'll judge the fuck out of that.

Inappropriate comment aside, I wouldn’t get so worked up about him not revealing the real reason why he got banned. I think I would have lied too in his situation. He obviously feels like he wants the ground to swallow him up.