Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

Actually don't bother answering that ....it was completely pointless for me to ask a member of the much more sexually predatory and sexually harassing sex in our species - about sexual harassment and come ons.

The staff banned him on the say so of a woman they then went on to slag off and say was a massive pain in the arse. Essentially minimising what he did wrong. They sound very unprofessional and that's a very mixed message to be giving out.
We'll ban you permanently for sexualised comments but also say the person who made the complaint is essentially a fantasist?!

Ban is harsh, he should have a warning

We have no idea that he hasn't already been warned. After all, he didn't tell the OP anything about it until he was caught out. That's even if people do think it was harsh.

it's 2025, you don't speak to stranger women in gyms

I (a woman) am spoken to by other gym users (more men than women) every time I go. All of them have manage to speak to me without ever once commenting on the size of my backside or any other part of my body.
They say things like

"Morning. Lovely day, isn't it?"
"Nice to see the sun this morning"
"Did you see the match last night?"
"Do you mind if I put the TV screen on?"
"Not seen you for a while, have you been away?"
"I feel shattered. It's hot in here today, isn't it? I'm not sure the air conditioning is working."
"Do you know what time {gym instructor name} comes in today?"
"Do you use this {piece of equipment}? Do you know how to adjust it ?"

etc
etc
etc

It's not difficult and makes for a pleasant atmosphere.

So, it's wrong to tell fat women that you've been staring at their asses but it's OK to ogle hot women?

Why do you think that is?

If a woman is hot, is it fair game to stare at her and pass comment and make her feel uncomfortable when she's trying to work out? Are hot women even allowed to feel insecure or harassed?

I'm not asking to be mean. I'm asking because I suspect like many women, you've subconsciously absorbed the crap around us and you now instinctively think it's acceptable without challenging the why.

I think the gym agree that his comment was totally inappropriate, and cannot be seen to be ignoring such behaviour. Rather than saying this, they are using the excuse that the woman is a known 'pain in the arse', so you have to go kind of thing. You can't be having people feel uncomfortable in that environment, male or female.

You don't seem to give a shit about the victim in this at all, is that right? You believe he meant no offence, when he sexually harassed her, so all's well that tends well.

Are you sure it was a one-off? I'd have expected him to get a warning if he'd not done it before. Most gyms won't chuck you out just because one person complains. But his remarks were totally inappropriate so maybe they did.
But anyway, the lying about it is another issue. Doesn't sound like a great catch really.

So he probably meant nothing by it but he didn't need to be commenting on a woman's appearance. It certainly comes under the 'pervy comment' umbrella.

Also he wasn't to know what her body image/ history is. I've been larger and slimmer and would be really upset by someone saying my leggings would split at the gym even when in good shape.

I think it's a good life lesson even if he meant no harm. Take it as you see fit, it makes sense he was embarrassed to tell you but I think he needs to accept his role and grow as an adult. Minding one's own business is a key life skill.

I am satisfied from his explanations he meant no offence and it was clumsy at best

Yes, he is clumsy at coming onto other women.

Do you really think it's a coincidence that he was banned for making comments to the "amazing body" influencer, but apparently not anyone else.

I agree. His “joke” was in poor taste, but unless he’s repeatedly made offensive comments to other customers, I think a warning would have been more appropriate.

Aren’t you just a lovely person. You need to get down off your high horse because your STFU comment was no better than the OP’s partner’s joke. In fact I’d say your comment was worse, at least his was a badly judged joke whereas you’re just plain rude.

So he sexually harasses a woman at the gym, lies to you about being banned, then stalks her onto her Instagram page, ostensibly to show you ... what, exactly? So fucking creepy. This is not a good guy. How is that not clear to you?

That message from a staff member is shockingly unprofessional, and the person who wrote it should be fired. It sounds like the gym has an entrenched culture of misogyny. Well done to the woman who is standing up against it, and being disparaged behind her back for doing so.

Ew. Who says that to a woman working out in the gym? Gross.

I’m really sorry OP, I can only begin to imagine how hurt you must be right now, but he lied and hit it from you for this long. He must have felt really embarrassed and awkward about it, but the right thing to do would have been for him to tell you. I would feel really hurt and probably would lose trust and someone if they lied to me in this way, especially if it was my partner.
regarding whether or not the gym overreacted, it definitely is an inappropriate comment to make, why was he paying that much attention anyway, and even if it was true, it should have stayed a thought.

Well done to the gym! I’m an avid gym goer and now only go with my DH because of men like this. I can’t even count the amount of times men have made inappropriate comments or even worse I’ve caught them taking photos of me! It’s happened to multiple of my friends too. Always complained to the gym and then nothing was done. I ended up switching gym and working my entire routine around DH. I bet there’s more to what he said.

A woman laughing a comment off does not mean it wasn’t serious. It’s a survival tactic all women do to diffuse the situation of a man being creepy.

As others have said he has lied to you deliberately to avoid this and I suspect it may be more than he is saying, frankly you can't trust anything he says about it now.

He knows what he said was wrong or he wouldn't have felt the need to lie or you might react badly. He knows.

I would have complained tbh. It's comments like that and feeling watched that make so many women stop doing exercise and sports.

Erm, he's not allowed to go back though, is he! He's been banned from that gym for unacceptable behaviour.

He says he feels he's been badly treated.

The truth is, he's furious that he's been called out on his misogynistic, inappropriate behaviour towards this woman.

I wonder how the woman feels about how he treated her. And how she'd feel if she knew he's playing the victim. But of course, she's either 'brought it on herself' or 'can't take a joke'.

Why do these type of men feel they have the 'right' to pass comment on women's bodies? They would not say it to a man they didn’t know well. They would not do it to, or in front of their wife/girlfriend/mum/sister and I'm willing to bet they wouldn't like it if a man spoke to their wife/girlfriend/mum/sister in this way .... because they definitely do know the intention behind the comment.

They then have the cheek to blame the woman when they have to justify their behavior. Because to apologise would dent their pathetic, fragile egos slightly.

This man has shown you who he is. Believe him.

In 2025, you don’t need a warning to know it’s inappropriate to make that sort of comment. Lots of people manage not to need to be reminded not to make gross comments.

His comment was inappropriate and suggests he was staring at her arse whilst she was exercising. She complained and the gym rightly took swift action. He was in the wrong and they sent the message we won't accept this type of comment - nor should others have to put up with it.
Your boyfriend wasn't treated poorly - he acted inappropriately - whether he feels he misjudged it at the time or he is minimisng it now. I would hope this means he would learn from it.
I wouldn't be happy he lied about it to me - I can understand he was embarrassed but it makes it worse when you find out - he must have known your colleague knew and there was always going to be the chance you would find out.

How would he feel if some perve was letching over your arse in the gym and making sleazy comments about your leggings…? Would he also find that a funny joke? He’s revolting and the fact you and the gym are minimising it is no better.

Just to turn this around ... what would you have thought if a strange man said this to you at the gym, and more to the point what would your bf have thought about his comments? if neither of you would be worried then I guess you are on the same page and there is no need to be concerned? although that still begs the question of why he lied about it

How did he know how to find her on instagram anyway?

@mum11970I guess from my high horse, less chance of creeps like the OP’s BF ogling me so, to that extent, I’m quite happy here.

As to MY rudeness…LOL. I guess it’s not rude at all to comment on some random woman’s ass at the gym.

@ScarlettRunner shame on you!