Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

Talk to the step children about it. You have many options, but it would be good to understand their preferences, and to bear in mind that building works will take 6 months so this is taking into account uni and beyond. Personally I'd do the kitchen or loft, but that's because you don't lose money nor space that way.

1. Extend the kitchen, adding a play area. Playroom or living room becomes bedroom.
2. Murphy bed in the living room, plus locked cupboards used by that child only. Family use as TV room when the child is not there.
3. Summer house, insulated and heated. Used by eldest child only.
4. Divide a room; probably the master if that is largest. Use some frosted glass bricks or window to bring in the light.
5. Do the loft conversion, see how to make it a bit cheaper.
6. Step children to usually come on different days than each other; a relative had this for a bit as the siblings weren't getting along.

I can't believe a new kitchen and landscaping are being considered as alternative spends, over getting two kids their own rooms. Of course they need their own (double) rooms if possible. As pp said, how did youngest child ever get their own room rather than moving in with DC3?

Where do their friends hang out when they come over or when they have parties?

It's not just for their needs now. When they come back from uni for holidays, if they want to bring mates with them to stay, when they have a partner to stay, if they need to live with you for a while possibly with a plus 1.
I can completely understand your husband's argument and if that were my kids I'd be saying exactly the same. Well no, they would already have own rooms and the two younger DC would be sharing!

This is surely the answer. Moving a window and making two smaller rooms with a window each would be cheap

Put an additional window into their existing bedroom and then divide it - cheaper than a loft conversion and gives equality for the children. Not having your own space is why contact ends up dwindling in the teenage years, they need their own space and you are being unfair.

Another example of compromises that will be asked, when you marry a man that already has kids. Unfortunately you are going to have to suck this up in some way, as DH wants all his kids to be equal in his home, and I can why 2 teens don’t want to share. Just think the eldest is 15, how many more years is he/she going to be wanting to stay over anyway. So I would press DH to separate one of the large existing bedrooms, or sacrifice a downstairs room for a few years. Then you have your savings to do up the kitchen etc.

I’ve not read the whole thread but bear with me.

I presume your DSC are girls or you could bribe boys with two nice TVs and play stations for their troubles in their joint room.

Your kids have a playroom so really most of their toys should be down stairs. Why doesn’t your youngest step daughter share with your daughter. They’d have to get the biggest room after your room.

That way your eldest DSC gets a room (with a desk to study), your son has his own room and then the girls have a nice new room which means your daughter gets the best of both worlds, her own room half the time and then gets to share with her older sister. I’d probably sit all the girls down and say ‘we were looking at building another room but it would take months to finish and it would mean having to spend all of our savings on it… as a compromise DSC gets an even bigger birthday party this year and the whole family goes to Disney..’

My family were a blended family. My half siblings are my ride or die. Presuming your DH are the father to your children? If so, a 13 & 7 year old should be able to share.

what about your bedroom OP?

I know on MN, posters need the bigger bedroom to show their authority at home but in real life, many people go for the more practical option.

How often do YOU spend time in your own bedroom? If it's also a study, you will spend loads. If you only go to sleep, the bigger one might not be practical.

Could your bedroom be split in 2? And you move to a smaller one.

How many living rooms do you have?

We recently converted our living room into our master bedroom, to allow DC18 his own room (our master bedroom previously) and DC14 his own room. DC 9 & 7 share. 4th bedroom has always been used as an office.

We are having a downstairs shower room installed soon as we like our new arrangement.

Can you do something like this?

We have lost a communal room (dining room had to be our new living room) but it works for us.

In that case move the little ones in together.
There’s no harm in that.

If it’s so certain it will be a short time only, then that solves it. Op’s Dc won’t grow up much in that time. It’s fine for little ones to share - especially for such a very minimal time as you predict.

I would split the room they already have could you add a window? At their ages they may stay less as they get older. Or I would use the downstairs room. But I understand that with younger children a play room area is nice but not essential.

Nah you just put air con in?

id suggest a garden room if it was an office that was needed. Not a bedroom.

Because at these ages, one may be studying for GCSE whilst the other wants to play Xbox. One may want to chat to a boy/girlfriend whilst the other is sat in the room reading. There isn't another good place to do those things as the rest of the house is communal space.
At 15 you need a bit of privacy and the gap between 13 and 15 is pretty big in my experience.
The house isn't small and I think it's unreasonable to not offer the DSC a space with some privacy given the number of days they are there. If you don't want to create a loft room then I'd convert that downstairs room and perhaps just put up with the lack of space for a few years until the oldest goes to uni?

That doesn’t make much difference. The problem here is the OP thinking her children deserve something that his do not and her refusal to accept any of the options that would allow them all to be treated fairly.

I’m with OP. I would not agree to spending my personal savings on this.

I think the person who chose to have four children should pay for the extra room.

I mean, don’t expect them to be totally honest about why they as young adults might want some privacy as their bodies change and their sexuality develops 🙄

I really am gobsmacked at the way people are trying to excuse this second class treatment of these kids.

Why don’t you go the whole hog and have a kitchen cupboard that only the chosen children are allowed to eat from too.

Staying at the house of the parent who has less space for them may die off during the early/mid teens, in favour of being in their main home where they have their own room with their things in, and can nip out to see local friends in the evenings. At least that happened with my DSC. Their dad still saw them regularly but they chose not to come and stay in our house as they had done for years previously, except occasionally at Christmas.
In OP's case, having their own bedrooms at their mum's will be a powerful incentive to stay at her place all the time, and they will soon be old enough to decide for themselves.
Children of blended families have a rough time. Step parents with children of their own are not always able to provide a home large enough for 4 or more children to have their own bedrooms, and, like OP, expect their own children to get the single rooms 'because they are there all the time'. But who would want to spend 3 nights sharing a bedroom with a sibling in a house with younger children taking their dad's attention, when they have their own space at home with their own things around them?

absolutely

What about the little ones moving into the bigger room to share?

It’d be one thing if OP’s H had an every other weekend set up, but the DC spend 3/7ths of their nights at his house and share, whilst thejr younger half siblings have a room each plus a ‘playroom’.

I agree.

So often it’s hidden behind financial “ prudence”; it’s just meanness.

as a blended family my dad took away our room, so his younger/newer dd's could have a room each.
we had the sofa in the sitting room

They both chose for him to have the fourth child

I think you'd do it in a flash if it was for your DC and he was the step-father.

He's probably right that they'd come more if they had their own bedrooms. It could well be a factor in them being there less, as well as just getting older. Regardless of getting older, you'd still want your DC to have their own room I bet. You'd never think - oh they're almost 16 and seeing their friends more so they can share a room now. Course you'll say yours are boy/girl so can't share, but I still think you'd want this for your kids so should do the same for his as a family.

I’d split their current room with IKEA Kallax units, cheap and will give plenty of storage. They don’t need the partition to be floor to ceiling, surely