Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

@Georgey0 i have a step parent and I’ve done being a step parent very well.
I wouldn’t give up my savings .
If you shared everything then yes it’s a couple issue , but you don’t .
He can choose what to spend his money on but he can’t make you .
He can use his savings and take a loan and pay the loan back , if this is what he wants to spend his money on.
if the house is ever sold and it’s at a profit due to the loft space then he can have his share returned. I’d have it valued before and after the works.

I'd look into inventive ways to split the room they're currently in as you say it's big. They presumably have a room at their mums too and so have their belongings spread across both houses unlike your joint children who have smaller rooms as their sole room. I can see why they don't want to share, but honestly I wouldn't be spending my savings either.

Of course she would, she’s already said that she won’t have their shared kids sharing a room.

It’s so disappointing to read mothers trying to justify this behaviour.

Don't do the splitting the room thing, unless there are two windows, it’s just awful and why you would do that without absolutely needing to is beyond me.

Best would be to section their current room op. I wouldn’t waste my savings on this.

The average age young adults move out of their parents house is now 25y. It’s not a given they will spend less time there just because it’s their dad’s house and more likely it’s because they are less important.

I think it would be a good idea if you plan to be in this house for the longer term - when the kids are older, they will be better able to visit with their partners and even future children etc

I don't have step children, but we do have 4 children and I would personally have younger children sharing rather than older children. I get that they're only there half the time, but it's meant to be their home and it must be hard for a child already that they have to go between homes. It really could be part of why they might not want to be there as often, if they have their own rooms they might want to have friends sleep over with them rather than them going to friends as well? If it's too expensive, then the garden/summer house idea might be a good one to give them some of their own space.

Save your money these are not the times to spent money op

He is the father of all of the children.

Your kids have a playroom? While your SC have to share? Come on.

I had a similar set up at that age and definitely used not having my own room as an excuse not to stay as often. It was a pain having to take things between each house and at 15 I wanted to be near my friends (not sure how close you live to their mum).

Splitting the rooms is definitely a better idea. I’m sure one of them would be happy to have no window if it means having their own room.

So your children currently have 3 rooms (bedroom each plus a playroom) and his are expected to share? That sounds quite unfair.

I would convert the sitting room to a teen bedroom, preferably for the one you expect to fly the nest the soonest.

It's really pointless to do this for kids who will spend less and less time at home and may live independently in 3 years or so. Can you add a new window to the big bedroom? The obvious solution is to divide the big bedroom. It doesn't really matter if one of them doesn't have a window.

I’d talk to the DSC and get to the bottom of why they want separate rooms. Do they just want privacy, or do they want more entertaining space, or are things feeling uneven with the other children and they don’t know how to express that? There’s no point spending all your savings if an extra entertaining pod in the garden or spending more one-on-one time with their dad would solve their problems.

My eldest two had their own rooms at their Dads. He then had two more children and he took my Daughters room away from her and moved my Son into her room. She turned up one day to a sofa bed in the Playroom and my Son to having her small room to make way for the new siblings. They no longer visit him. They like having their own space when they were with him. They felt replaced by the new younger siblings. Maybe that is how you Step Children feel coming to your house and that is another reason why they don't stay as often as they once did they feel like they are not as important as the younger ones. As they get older they have no space at your house which is their own so they are choosing to stay more with mum and friends as they don't feel as welcome.

There's a family/playroom room that leads directly onto the kitchen you mean?

As well as fed up of not just living in one house.

generally depends which house is most convenient to see friends, mostly that Mum's.

If you have room for a garden room , that’d be an option worth considering, and definitely cheaper than a loft conversion. Even a top quality one with proper insulation, heating and a/c . It’d be the more popular with the DSC I’d bet.

Actually it will help your children. I think talk to him about a whole move around with rooms so that your two get the two bigger doubles, you get the loft and then the SC get a smaller room each.

We have 2 children and debated where to go with extending and the loft was by far the best option, I have a bigger room with a really nice en-suite and the resale value is big.
we borrowed more on the mortgage

because this will mean they don’t come and stay often and he will lose out and so will your children with their siblings

I think you're being short sighted, they're getting to the age where they might have girlfriends and boyfriends and want some more privacy and they'll just never come over if they can't get it. I can see why your DH. Lots of children live at home well into their 20s so it could easily be another 10 years. You're adamant your DC won't share so why is it ok for DSC to?

Also you don't mention how far you live away from their other house but where would they come to stay at Christmas as adults etc?

Of course you should go ahead with the work. You would if it prevented your own children from sharing. Your step children deserve their own room just as much as your own children. It will also add value to your home, probably more value than the cost of the work.

“I’m not against them having their own room, but I’m against every possible option to deliver it!” YABU.

You can’t - with good conscience - say it’s not ok for your own children to share but it is for his.

Earlier poster nailed it when they pointed out that the issue is you decided to have child number four without enough bedrooms for them to have one each. The usual position when that happens is that the youngest share until the oldest move out.

If elder DSC is nearly 16 then it is possible that they will head off to Uni in just over two years. Bear in mind any loft conversion will take a minimum of six months from when you decide to go ahead, they will get less than two years benefit before they won’t be around more than half the year. And as you say, they are already voting with their feet as to where they stay (though presumably part of this is due to not having a separate bedroom at yours), and that will only increase.

So it would be an awful lot of expense for a relatively short time period if you expect them to go to uni. I wouldn’t do it.

So turn that into a reception room, and use one if the other reception rooms for a bedroom. Its not the kids fault their dad's marriage didn't last

2-3 years is a long time, with teens who need to study etc.