Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

DH doesn't get any say on what you spend your savings on, that's the beauty of having separate finances.

I'd see if you can find a way of them having more privacy in the current room they are in such as room dividers but there's no way I'd be draining my savings for a loft conversation when it's possible they will still hardly use it.

I would discuss with an estate agent how much the change will increase the value of the house. If it is more than the cost then I would go ahead. However, these days loft conversions often aren’t. In that case I would only be willing to pay half the increase, not half the cost. I would also be very clear with Dh that any additional costs would not be mine.

Basically I would be happy to exchange my savings for extra equity in the house. I would not be happy to just hand over my savings. This is the thing about separate finances - if people insist on them then they can’t complain about how you choose to spend them. (Or choose not to spend them.)

Converting the lift is not throwing money away, it’s investing in your property and increasing its value. So you and your step children, your DH’s children, will benefit. Having your own space for studying if at all possible is really important as kids hit the exam years.

You could spend far less than a loft conversion on some really nice sliding/partition doors for the playroom, invest in a decent sofa bed and some storage for clothes that is useful for a playroom and give this room up to eldest DSC when they come to stay. At 15/16 it won’t be long before they are more independent and wont always come as a pair so each could then use the 4th bedroom if they aren’t both staying. if there isn’t private space, your DH is right, they may well stop coming and for that reason I think you need to come up with some sort of compromise.

other option which will be fine for a few years whilst your dc are still young (& what we do when we have guests) is add a bunk bed to one of your dc rooms and they share when dsc come to stay and one gives up their room for one of the dsc.

I feel like he just thinks this house is his to change about however best suits his kids and I'm expected to pay for the privilege too.

You sound like you think the house is yours to have how you want and the three other peoples needs are irrelevant to you.

If you’re splitting costs equally, he is currently subsidising your children having their own room at the expense of his children.

Why should he pay for your children to have their own rooms when you can’t see that his children deserve the same?

He’s rightly scared that if he can’t provide a space for his children that they want to be in, then they won’t want to spend time with him anymore. You should be doing everything you can to support his relationship with his children seeing as he has agreed to live with yours.

But this is exactly my point, this is clearly starting to change as they are getting older now. Some weeks it's much less than that and I don't think it's because of the bedrooms, they are just getting older (especially eldest who often cba to move between houses anymore).

I think you’ve missed the boat really as the oldest is already 15, by the time the work is done they will be at parties and having a life. I assume they have thier own rooms at their mums house?

I would look at ways to do the loft conversion more cheaply if I could. Like decorate it myself as it would save a bit or not use as expensive fittings etc. as it would add value to the house. I’d get more quotes.

Could you split any of the rooms by dividing them?

Could give the step children the master in the meantime and you move into theirs? I know they’d still be sharing but if dh wants them to have an incentive to stay…? He’s trying to see it from their point of view. Sharing at that age sucks.

Is there a dining room that’s barely used that could be converted?

Could you get a garden room that could be used as a teen space/ bedroom etc (if it’s a safe area where you are).

I wouldn’t spend money on landscaping. An extra room would add more value. And if you might downsize once all the kids fly the nest that extra value would come in handy.

I think YABU. Your DH has offered several options and you are rejecting all of them. It is likely to impact how keen they are to stay.

I personally would look at what you can do with the lounge to make it a multi-purpose space that the eldest DSC can use when they stay.

It’s 3 days a week not every other weekend.

I’ve been a stepchild, I know what it’s like to not feel like your dads home is your home too.

i agree with PP, if the loft conversion adds to your property value honestly why wouldn’t you?!

Agreed, it's not equal and may contribute to why they don't stay over so much. They are his actual children and he wants the best for them as you want the best for yours. Could your children share for a few years?
Can you swap rooms with the DSC and if they had your bedroom, could it be split? Could theirs be split?

I don't really get the married but separate money thing. Do you have no joint savings?
Try changing the sitting room into a bedroom for 6 months? See what happens and re-evaluate the finance for the loft? (I'd go with the loft).

Another happy blended family

i doubt it,
surely staying at dad's naturally dies off at this age

I think YABU (and I’m a step parent). You’re so opposed to converting either of the potential spaces for children who spend half of their lives at your house. I’m not sure what your point of posting was? But you couldn’t give your SC a clearer indication you see them as second class citizens and as step parents we should do everything we can to avoid that.

You are also coming at this all wrong, this cost isn’t due to your step children is due to you and your DH choosing for him to father a fourth child. The older children already existed, the extra space needed was caused by the new child.

You could add/ change the windows and partition their current room for less than a loft conversion.

Have you considered a garden room - it could be an asset and add a flexible space to your home you can use for other things in the future - home office, gym, etc. Attic conversions are costly and without really good insulation they can be unbearably hot in the summer and freezing in the winter.

Why would staying with your dad “die off” when you hit 13 or 15?
Does staying with their mum die off?

Partition the room in the middle of the window. Yes there will be a small gap but much easier than doing a whole loft if their room is big enough.

We have just done this for our girls room using their bunks as the wall so to speak and curtain on risk as the door so the other doesn’t walk though or see her space when entering the room as a whole.

I think YABU.

You will absolutely not consider your younger kids sharing a room and this this is OK. Non- negotiable. And you get to decide that.

He doesn’t want any of his kids sharing a room. Why do your wishes trump his?

What strikes me is that your kids also have a play room downstairs which you won’t give up either, even though both your kids have their own rooms.

The loft conversion seems like a good investment to be honest.

You seem pretty difficult.

There’s a TV programme that resolved a similar issue for considerably less cost than a loft conversion.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001nqzk/your-home-made-perfect-series-4-4-irene-and-richard

Of course she can. If the DSC are only coming a few days a week, and at the age they are, likely to be less than this very soon, then why should she put all her savings into something that is not going to be worth doing?

they get their own life with friendships near their resident home

Exactly this