Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

A loft conversion would add value to your house. You could look at increasing your mortgage to cover some of it to save eating all saving up and have the kitchen done at the same time.

I'd be more inclined to think of a garden based solution at that age. It sounds like a loft conversion would leave the house unbalanced with not enough downstairs space.

So you do have two reception rooms downstairs..... I agree with your DH, OP. The largest living room you could share which leaves your own bedroom upstairs to give to the 15yo.

This is the least invasive and cheapest option all round. If it doesn't work out, move on to Plan B!

Windows can be moved. Get quotes for dividing their existing room into two, with a window for each.

If you ensure the windows remain centrally positioned in the wall for each bedroom, then the symmetry will mean future owners can knock the bedrooms through to create one again without awkwardly placed windows.

Skylight windows are are a good alternative too.

It'll probably be cheaper than a loft conversion so you protect your savings and your step children and husband are happier.

am not against DSC having their own room, but I don't want to spend all of my money on doing so, I was willing to do it but the cost is significantly more than we were expecting due to the work required unfortunately.

Well if this was true, you'd give one of them the sitting room. But you don't want to, because your kids need for 3 rooms to play with their toys in is more important than the dsc having privacy in their teenage years. You are finding excuses not to properly consider all the options.

You shouldn't have had the 4th child (or 3rd!) if you weren't willing to treat them all equally.

I actually changed my vote YABU. I think you need to change something here to make it more like a home for them. And a loft conversion will add value to your house. But I don't think you're going to change your mind.

i dont think a loft conversion always adds in a large house

I would have absolutely hated sharing a room as a child - sex of sibling wouldn't have made any difference to that

Not having any private space to arrange and have as you want, having to negotiate the whole time about when it's quiet time to study and when you can have music on/talk on the phone, when it's lights out for bed, no ability to just close a door and have peace without someone walking in whenever they want.

If he wants to do a loft conversion he needs to fund it. Or find a way to divide the room . You shouldn’t have to lose a downstairs room or make your kids share. They are coming less because they are older and they are prioritising friends/events. If they had their own rooms it’s possible the may come more if their friends can come round but it’s not guaranteed. And when they turn 18 it will likely get less.

my dds saw their dad eow and a night in week. When they got to around 15 it got less as they had plans. My home was their base, exdh wasn’t. By the time eldest went to uni she would see her dad once every few months which is roughly what both of them see him as adults.

I shared a bedroom with my sister until she left home. A child doesn’t need separate bedrooms unless they are different sexes.

This is a first world problem. I wouldn’t be wasting money on this.

I would be on the same page as you regarding not making the younger 2 of the children share when they live there full time regardless of whose children they are.

Do your step children have their own room at the mums?

Could you maybe think of it as adding value to your house or something instead? Another room can be useful.

Get your garden landscaped and add a summer house that can be used as a self contained office/bedroom

Maybe also to do with how welcome you're making them feel
It's their home too.

Nah…it’s fine if the walls don’t actually touch the ceiling. Why would they need a normal room? They’re only SC. 🙄

I assume op was aware she had 2 step children living with her 3 days a week when she went for the fourth child.

I am slightly curious if the step children were already sharing at that point and there was a spare room, or if they were asked to start sharing for the new baby.

Have you considered whether the one window could be taken out of the double bedroom and replaced with 2 windows and a dividing wall?

I work with a young lad who describes this exact scenario as being kicked out to live in the garden when he was a teenager. Perhaps that sounds a bit over dramatic but that’s how he felt, while step siblings were in the house.

Would adding a window be doable?

Still more expensive than just using a reception room as a bedroom. Why spend money when you don't need to?

If the DH funded the conversion, would he also get to own more of the house or would the OP still expect to own it 50:50? I don't think you can have that both ways

When I was 15/16 I started going to my dad's less and less because I had social plans every weekend and a part time job, I felt horribly guilty even though he assured me it was fine and I should go out with my friends, if he'd just built an extension for me I would've felt terrible

ETA it was nothing to do with how welcome I felt, I was always welcome, my dad didn't even have a live in partner and I had space of my own. Teenagers just have other things going on at that age, I didn't see my mum extra I was just busy

That's a crap suggestion! Sorry but it really is. Talk about isolating the poor kid.

I shared a room with my sister from the age of 13 and I resented mt parents for it. I couldn’t have friends over, when I got a boyfriend - I couldn’t have him over too. I couldn’t have the freedom to grow up with independence. When I wanted to cry, I couldn’t do that in my bedroom. When I wanted to get changed I would have to go to the bathroom instead of doing it in the bedroom. I couldn’t have the freedom of studying for my GCSEs at home in my room and my grades suffered.

sharing a room is great for some, but if they’ve expressed freedom then it’s not working if for them. Don’t be surprised when the children choose to spend less time at dads house because they don’t have their personal freedom and when they resent dad (and you) for the other kids being treated better than they are

If you don't want to do the loft conversion then I would try the downstairs idea, sounds like the best compromise.