Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

The playroom was clearly stated as being open plan into the kitchen. The only room downstairs is the sitting room, which is used (according to the OP) as a sitting room. Why can't the family have a room that is not in the kitchen to use as a family?

As DSC are teens, the amount of time they spend with you will probably reduce once they E.g. go away to university, so spending on an expensive conversion seems short-sighted.
There are other options, though.

1. Section the second bedroom into two, using a bunk bed room divider to provide two new bedrooms for the little ones (they have a playroom)
2. As above, but put the DSC into it, if large enough
3. Redesign the lounge by adding a Murphy bed that can be easily shut away when DSC are not staying (or even a sofa bed)
4. Put up a log cabin in the garden for use as a bedroom when DSC stay, and a summerhouse when they don’t - this option is definitely worth considering as a garden room can also increase the value of a property as long as it is well-maintained, and the beauty of them is that you can do the main build yourselves: look online at companies like Dunster House and Tuin…

Actually my friend has just done exactly this. She has a young family ( 2x DDs) with her husband and an older DD from a previous relationship. They bought a three bedroom house to get back on the property ladder and then swiftly installed a cabin outside which is half office and half bedroom for her older daughter. Older DD is 19yrs anyway, its given her freedom and her own space away from the main house but she is still technically living at home. This works so well for them.

Nailed!

Would you feel differently about the alterations if it were your DC who were sharing? If it doesn't matter so much why not get your DC to share when the DSC come over so they can have their own rooms. I think what you're proposing isn't unreasonable and you don't have to do home improvements as people sometimes have to make do but most people are biased towards their own children and I think you're potentially doing this.

It’s not like they’re at the dads a handful of days a month, it’s very close to 50/50. “Resident home” doesn’t really apply.

I was also going to suggest some kind of summer house affair
They can be as expensive as you like, insulated slept in, and considerably cheaper than a loft conversion
.in the land MN,all children have to have their own bedrooms, they need to be big and kids need a double bed! The sc come as guests, they don't live with their dad.. in my case it's the dgks, I decorated the room at one point, bought new bedding to reflect their interests. 6 months later, they had gone off these things. They are the same age as your DHs, sometimes they want to be taken somewhere to meet up with friends, and have friends here
We do have a nice summerhouse
It was basic,DH has insulated it.
.

I would also be very reluctant to spend all my savings on a loft conversion. Yes the house is worth more, but you only get the money if you sell. Then what happens if you need savings for something else important, like someine gets ill, or helping with uni for one or two of the 4.

The nearly 16 year old, could be heading off to live independently in just 3 or 4 years.

But I would be much more open to using the separated off lounge as a bedroom.

These older teen years are actually hugely important to making a child feel secure and loved and able to launch and set the tone of your adult relationship so much more than the younger years.

Could you convert one of your downstream reception rooms into more of a flexible space by adding a sofa bed? That way you can convert the room back for the days it’s not being used?

We did the opposite and put the three little ones into a shared room until they were about 10 and this meant DSS had his own room, which he barely ever used as a teenager. But we always wanted to make him feel like this was his home.

The younger 3 loved sharing a room, some of my favourite memories are listening to them chatter in bed when they were meant to be asleep. They are all incredibly close now and I do think sharing helped this.

It doesn't feel like they're home because they share a room??

Tell that to the millions of kids that share a room in their own home.

I just don’t get why so many women shack up with men who already have kids and seem to count down to them becoming mid teenagers under the assumption that they aren’t really his kids or responsibility anymore and then they can move on with their new life with his real kids free from the hassle of step children.

Because they have more kids than rooms, OP is prioritising her own kid’s need for space to keep their toys over her step kid’s need for privacy.

Use the playroom as a lounge and the lounge as a bedroom, that’s another option.

Yes, this is true, together you made these choices. I'd probably do the attic conversion, you will add value to your home anyway and it will give more space for when your own children get older.

I’m afraid I think this too op.

Your Dp knows the situation/ house layout and clearly thinks this is important for his Dc, and wants to treat them all the same when in his house. That isn’t a monstrous desire.

I would be loath to stand between them in this circumstance. I get that you don’t want to spend the money but the time to think about control over all your financial decisions was when casting your lot in with a man who had children already.

He’s right it will value add. Look at the long term; you aren’t really losing anything in that sense. Parenthood comes with sacrifice and blended families are even more complicated.

Can you put another window in the current bedroom so that it can be split into 2. Or change the current window into 2 windows.

but there is no denying that they will spend less time, particularly the 15 year old
how long will a conversion even take

OP you had me until ‘I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home ’

It’s your step children’s home too. Your views are self centred and don’t consider the feelings of the step children at all - in fact the three suggestions your hubby has made you have said no and found a reason. You have made them second class citizens just because they aren’t there full time. They are older now and it getting harder to share.

Find a solution (or one of the three your husband has suggested) and be more accommodating instead of no to everything because it doesn’t suit you.

YABU

Split their room. Put a temp wall up down middle of room which is where windows is I assume

a diagram of room would be good

or take out the window and have 2 smaller windows fitted so each have own window

I get not wanting the loft and the cost done as in a few years they prob won’t stay much

did they move into your home

or did you jointly buy a place. If so. The. Silly to buy 4 bed not 5

Why don’t you think that the bedroom problem is a factor in at least one of the teen DC wanting to reduce their time at their father’s?

Most teens with a home with their own bedroom at one home wouldn’t enjoy sharing a room for 3/7ths of their time in another, on top of the ‘split time’, step parent(s), younger half siblings etc

Stand firm, do not spend your savings on this waste of money loft. They will spend fewer nights in a few years and it would be a waste. Also do not make your kids shift around rooms or share in their only home. Let him pay for the whole thing if he wants it.

I agree that your joint dc who live there 24/7 shouldn’t have to share plus diff sex

do the older boys have own room each at mums house

How many families do you know where the younger kids get their own room and the older kids share? It's usually the other way round

Because it’s not about sharing the room, it’s about the different treatment between the children. It makes less sense for very young children to have their own room at the expense of teenagers.

And YABVU for referring to your DCs’ ‘only home’ as if it’s somehow advantageous for your step DC to have two houses! It’s not.