Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

So why disrupt the children who live there? The SC have perfectly fine arrangements.

the SC DO LIVE THERE!! it’s their home as well

Yes, I know that they do live there, PART OF THE TIME.

if you find my other posts, i actually think the older kids should stay sharing, because they have their own rooms at moms house.

However, i have been told i'm awful for pointing this out.

So.. this is my suggestion to please the 'step kids must get exactly what they ask for and ALWAYS COME FIRST brigade' on MN who think second family children should be shoved in the cupboard in their own homes, and told they're unimportant because dad had kids before them who should ALWAYS be dads priority.

There is no “shove the second family kids in the cupboard” brigade.

There are quite a lot of “treat them the same because their time at their mums doesn’t negate the impact of being treated as less deserving than the second family when they are at yours” posters, though.

sharing the same room they have presumably shared since they moved to that house, and by the seem of it ALWAYS shared at dads house since they were much younger and in a previous house according to the OP, is not treating them as 'less deserving'.

Expecting your dad and step mum to drop all their savings to pay for an extra room just so you don't have to share with your sibling that you have shared with previously for years however IS entitled.

Of course it’s being treated as less deserving. Just because they‘ve been treated as less deserving than their siblings for the entire time they’ve been in this house doesn’t make it equal when they find their needs as teenagers make it a bigger issue for them.

And while they are asking for their own rooms, I would certainly hope their father and OP haven’t been discussing the finances. If the kids are actually demanding that their parents invest all thair savings in a loft conversion it would be a sign of abysmal parenting. Though, since that’s something you’ve just made up and not something OP has suggested has happened it seems unlikely.

This x 💯. This is the DC only home. Why should they come second just because Dad had a previous marriage and DC?
Two same sex siblings sharing a bedroom a few nights a week is really not a problem.

IRL I cannot think of a single example of second family children who get “shoved in a cupboard.”

Even on here, the threads tend to be “ Aibu for wanting my SF Dc to go to independent school when his other Dc don’t ? I earn x whereas DH’s ex doesn’t.” ; “ AIBU to not want DH’s badly brought up ( by hideous ex) Dc to come on our luxury family holiday?”; Aibu to want a new kitchen instead of separate rooms for DH’s Dc? Ps I will NOT be taking the separate rooms away from MY Dc.”

I can’t think of any threads that go in the opposite direction . DH is only wanting to give his first family Dc the same, not MORE.

But they WOULDN’T be coming second. The other Dc would just be getting the same.

Talk about Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters …

The SC aren't being abused and sleeping on cinders. They have a bedroom. I've no idea why it's a problem, but then I don't think children of the same sex sharing a bedroom is an issue, but obviously people disagree.

A lot of people always misunderstand on these threads why so many many (and that in itself should be a clue) stick up for the first children.

Because - this thread is written BY the step mum asking for advice and specifically on their opening posts present a scenario whereby their own kids are front and centred.

so many people stick up for the step kids - the first kids come first brigade - in these specific situations BECAUSE the op doesn’t seem to be thinking about their best interests at all. And certainly not treating them as they would their own. Which your argument is they’re not.

so, we are advocating for the step kids, because the adult in the home they live in - and it is through no fault of their own that they have two - who has made choices, more kids, which suit herself but obviously not them - doesn’t.

The SDCs have said they wished they did not have to share - not thrown a strop, got miffed but expressed an opinion on their living arrangements at their fathers. The extrapolations on their behaviour and entitlement on this thread are unbelievable.
i shared with my sister, it had to happen but did not mean I liked it. My brother got his own room and it felt like I was the only one who did not have a bit of the house that was just mine. She got to walk through my space to access the built in wardrobe and to get to her side. Woe betide me if I crossed into her side of the room!

I think we can all relate to wanting to be able to go into a room and shut the door and know that is our little haven 3 days of the week. The eldest is coming over less because she has nowhere to sit with her friends and gossip - sadly their DF is going to have to accept that for financial reasons and his DP does not want to spend monies on improving/ adding value to the house.

Equally I don’t think little pre-pubescent children sharing a room is such an issue - even if the same sex.

I DO think having some children sharing while others “will NOT be giving up their rooms” is indicative of a problematic dynamic.

Its less about the fact of sharing and more about the imbalance in treatment.

So, very soon, the DC will have to sleep separately. What happens then?
Plus, they're sharing a room when there are 2 free bedrooms? I can't see that as fair.

IRL I cannot think of a single example of second family children who get “shoved in a cupboard.”

Please feel free to ask my 2 DCS who in a 5 bedroom house, with their SM having 2 children, hers got a room each and a play room, my 2 slept in the laundry room.
It was completely fair that they had to share a small double bed with their own new duvet covers on the bed and it was perfectly reasonable that SM would put the washing machine on when they were in bed. It was perfectly reasonable for them to turn up at their fathers to find the laundry all over their bed and be expected to pile it up so they could go to sleep.

Things like this never happen in real life!

@Finallylostit dear lord. That's absolutely awful! What was the excuse for not giving them a bedroom to share? Did their father go along with this?

Garden room sounds like the obvious choice if the older DSC is happy to sleep there. Plus it’s always a useful space to have that could be used as home office or spare guest room in the future. I don’t think they cost a fortune to put up either.

I think that’s why her DH suggested a loft.

I think he’s trying to create a family home that caters for everyone, and I’m not sure I see it as the wild idea that some do.

It's not a wild idea. Just not a necessary expense in some people's view. If that's what he wants, he should go for it. He's the one who had 4 children.

That’s disgusting but hang on a minute: if this was with their stepmum then your Dc are presumably the first family?

3 nights a week is a lot. It's not a night every other weekend.

Its fine to disregard the loft extension if too expensive, but I think you need to consider other options such as the downstairs room.

We have done similar for the step children. In my opinion you have to go over and above in blended families to make sure everyone feels equally treated.

I think I’m agreeing with you … it’s the children who don’t belong to the current wife who tend to be mistreated in these situations. That was my point. Mostly because most dads are more interested in appeasing whomsoever they are currently sleeping with than in protecting the children of the woman they once slept with.

Op’s DH sounds a refreshing exception.

'Visiting'? Interesting view.

Or get a stud wall put in to separate the playroom from the kitchen and use it as a bedroom. This would be a fraction of the cost of a loft conversion.

Also, wonder if there is a garage? We converted the garage into and extra bedroom for one of ours and it was a very inexpensive way of creating the space.