Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

I'm interested in whether the people saying that the DH should pay for it all also think the increase in the value of the house should also be his to keep (i.e. that they should then own the house in unequal shares)

And I also find a bit ridiculous the suggestion that children don't "need" their own rooms so they shouldn't get them. Don't we all get our children many many things they don't "need"? The OP's children don't need their own rooms right now either but they have them. If it comes to that, the OP doesn't "need" a separate lounge.

The OP and her DH can afford to have a house that gives all the children space and privacy so they should find a way to do that.

I think a loft conversion is a good idea for the long term because 4 children is a lot and thinking ahead to the future when they have partners and children, I think they will enjoy the space. But if they would rather not spend the money at this stage, a proper bit of remodeling to get two rooms out of the large room would be sensible or the garden room

Yes it was just a word, but very telling..,

I'm with you OP I'd not do it either. If they was younger then yes I'd do it but by the time it's done the oldest will probably not be coming round as much as will want to stay out with mates, might prefer to stay with mum full time, in a few years maybe renting a place of their own. Then the younger SC won't be too far behind. I'd not but all my savings into a space that won't be used for more than a few years.

I don't think giving SC their own bedroom will definately encourage them to come more often, we moved to a bigger house so my SC who came every other weekend had their own bedroom rather than sharing with their sister (our shared child) but soon after we moved they decided not to come over anymore. They don't have their own bedroom at mum's, they share with mum. So them having their own room isn't a magical tool that will make them want to come more often so I'd not put all my money into it.

I think you need to do 1 of the things that DH suggests @Georgey0

Either sacrifice some downstairs space or the financial investment in a loft conversion. Can the master be split into 2 rooms and you and dh move into the 2nd room?

I think you’re being quite short-sighted about this OP.

Many DC are now living with their parents throughout their 20s, due to the cost of housing, so you potentially have a decade more of this living situation.

You have the opportunity now to adapt your home and make it suitable for the four DC that you have now AND it will future proof it (to an extent).

When your eldest SC comes home from uni with a bf in tow, would you expect them to share with their sibling then? When they want sleepovers with their mates, need peace and quiet to study for their GCSEs/A-Levels/Coursework etc, wouldn’t it make sense for them to have their own area to do that?

These DC live in THEIR home with you, and you have the opportunity to make it more homely for them; I’m not sure why you would be unwillingly to do this.

If the finances are a factor, you could “loan” your DH the money for the home improvement and have your DH “pay you back” over a period of time. Seems a weird way for a committed couple to work, but 🤷‍♀️

I suggest building a garden room but not to necessarily use as a bedroom, just as a social space - either for both or for just the oldest, and the younger one gets more space in the shared bedroom. They can then decorate it how they want and use it as a hangout space with friends. Most teens I know would like this more than two separate small bedrooms. Great for resale as well as so many people use them for home offices.
If you can include a loo as well even better.

It’s making me lol on this thread how people think SC will feel more valued and part of the family if they have their own room IN THE GARDEN as opposed to sharing in the house🤣

It's more a teens thing than a SC thing.

Yes my DCs were the first family treated badly in the new family by their SM and she was totally enabled by their DF - who did not want to rock the boat.

It got worse! When DF and SM had a child together, they decided to ask DCs if they wanted to move rooms into the playroom. They not surprisingly said yes. Two visits later - she decided she wanted the playroom/their room, for the new DC and the laundry room was converted into the playroom for her DCs, My DCS kicked out of their room and back into the new laundry/playroom! My DCS got to fold up their duvets put them in a black plastic bag and shove them under the stairs as they left.
The bribery to get them to go down there after that was unbelievable.

My point on this post is - teenagers can and will express their opinions and most realise if discussed with them, that everything they would like, they may not get. I just do not like OPs attitude - which is No to everything. Hers and their DFs house they need to come up with an answer and it may be No but explain it, understand what they are asking for is understandable and not speak about them like entitled brats.

just thought i'd add my 10p into the debate on when kids stop wanting to go to dads...

my 16yo has told me this morning she is done with spending EOW at her Dads, she doesn't mind if he wants to have her over for dinner once in a while, but she wants to stay here at home and stop doing overnights at her Dads for now.. she may think about it again in a few months.
My 18yo is also making similar noises, but he is not quite there yet.

Yes they do have their own rooms there.