Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

Quite! which isn't actually a playroom but a small section of the kitchen diner where toys are kept and played with, so poor teen would be on a day bed in what is basically the kitchen!

Because it’s causing arguments in the household.

I didn’t say that the solution had to be separate bedrooms, but as a household they need to come up with a course of action that everyone accepts. If the solution is that the teenagers continue to share a bedroom and everyone accepts that then it’s golden.

I’m not in the camp of no children should ever share ( I lost my bedroom space at my dad’s house completely at age 16, and had to sleep
on a sofa bed in Dad’s study, but I was so delighted to have a sister that I wasn’t bothered). But the OP’s family aren’t happy with current arrangements.

Except they are different sexes, so would need to be separated in a few years.

Exactly.

No they would not.
They can share for quite a bit longer, they're only 4 and 7.
The eldest having their own rooms would be prioritised, and the youngest ones would get their own rooms when the eldest went to college etc.

Well, that's just the situation. The SC can live with it, can't they? They have a bedroom each at their mum's and complain that they have to share for a few nights a week?

Yes and by then the eldest ones wouldn't be using 2 rooms because they'd probably rarely stay.

They would if they were already sharing but they are not. And they would have to be separated in a couple of years anyway. There is no guarantee that the eldest would be away at university at that time and, even if they were, they might be miffed at being back to sharing when they come home for they holidays.

Miffed at sharing? That's a bit entitled, it's not their only space.

Yes and in an unblended family they would have already been sharing.....which is what we were discussing.

I would do everything financially possible in order to let SDC have their separate rooms:

• get a second quote for the loft
• switch bedroom with SDC so you can divide it
• move the window in SDC room; make two Windows and divide

There are solutions. Tbh I don't know why your DH accepted to have two kids with you. With only one each would have had their room. It's so easy to just move on, have more kids and completely forget about the kids already there.

After many years of not having any savings, I would not spend all our collective savings on this when there are other options. Not having savings leaves one so vulnerable; we've been there.

Personally, I don't see the issue with how the rooms are set up at OP's house, but I also understand wanting to accommodate requests if possible. I like some of the bed options that split the room and afford privacy on both sides. Depending on the depth of the room, changes to the window may not be necessary so some money could be spent on new bedding lamps, rugs, etc, that suit each of their tastes. If that's not wanted, I think adding a window to the bigger bedroom and then adding a wall makes the most sense.

If the lounge as a bedroom isn’t going to work due to size of ‘playroom’ and that can’t be the family living room ?

and pointless and time wise a long time and costly to do loft that’s not an option

so seems to me @Georgey0 the only real solution is to split their bedroom

as I said previously to take out window and add 2 smaller windows

what style of window is currently in. If a big room possibly a 3 pane windows that’s typical in bedrooms - that opens left and right and middle lane is non opening

so can a partition be up to the middle of glass

or take it out and 2 smaller ones in place

im not sure I would want a 15yr sleeping in garden in a summer/winter cabin

can uou do a floor plan of downstairs and see if someone can suggest how to make ‘playroom’ into lounge for you

and diagram of step boys bedroom now with sizes and window and door

or extend other side of kitchen into garden and have as a extension /new lounge and old lounge as bedroom ?

If the lounge as a bedroom isn’t going to work due to size of ‘playroom’ and that can’t be the family living room ?

and pointless and time wise a long time and costly to do loft that’s not an option

so seems to me @Georgey0 the only real solution is to split their bedroom

as I said previously to take out window and add 2 smaller windows

what style of window is currently in. If a big room possibly a 3 pane windows that’s typical in bedrooms - that opens left and right and middle lane is non opening

so can a partition be up to the middle of glass

or take it out and 2 smaller ones in place

im not sure I would want a 15yr sleeping in garden in a summer/winter cabin

can uou do a floor plan of downstairs and see if someone can suggest how to make ‘playroom’ into lounge for you

and diagram of step boys bedroom now with sizes and window and door

or extend other side of kitchen into garden and have as a extension /new lounge and old lounge as bedroom ?

They should have their own rooms. It's 50/50 custody so it's not like they're only staying a few times a month.

The master bedroom is the biggest bedroom, so if you're against any form of extension, I'd swap with DSC, and then find a way to divide the master bedroom to give them both a decent sized room. Obviously it's a different situation, but when my daughter was younger, I put her in the master bedroom because because she needed the space for her toys, where I just had furniture in my room. It was the logical solution and it worked well.

ok. here is my suggestion.

Move the 4yo boy into the double room, keeping the extra bed in there.

Then each vist, one of the older boys can have the smaller room to themselves, and the other one can share with the 4yo.

Then they don't have to share with each other, and everyone gets a room to themselves occasionally.

The SC already have a perfectly serviceable bedroom to share. It’s not like they’re sleeping on the floor in the living room !! They need to learn that not everything you want is possible. And the comment about the children between OP and her DH is rude and ridiculous - the SC are there three days a week and have their own rooms with their mum. MN is utterly batshit on every single thread involving SC.

One is a room off the kitchen. I have the same set up and use it as a dining room. As a bedroom it would be totally unsuitable.

Same set up I used to have too until I turned my living room into a bedroom and dining room into a living room. It's a bit snug but it does the job. Getting a new shower room installed to complement the new arrangement 😀

This ⬆️

The 2 visiting teenagers are girls.

I do understand it feels frustrating having rooms sitting empty half the time, especially when they're already nearly through school, but that's really not the kids' fault. Their experience is that they are pushed together because they aren't considered as deserving as your joint kids. Sounds to me like you should have prioritised them having their own rooms some time ago - especially when you moved house knowing there would be 4 children.

As an idea for things to do - could you alter the windows in their room so you can convert it and them both have a window? Or convert the master in a way where they'd both have light?

If the conversion would increase the value of the house by as much or nearly as much as you spend on it then I don't think it's reasonable to frame it as spending all your savings on it. The investment will still be there, all be it not liquid. Since you have seperate finances it might be warranted to change the amount of the house you own because of it - that would depend on the details of the finances.

But there are other options that you are saying no to because you do not rate the kids needs as highly as your own or your DCs, and I think you are being unreasonable on that front. If you don't want other compromises, then go for the conversion and ring fence any extra you've saved.

I don't think OP has clarified if they're boys or girls.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable @Georgey0 . Your older children are the same sex, unlikely to be around as often in the next few years and are not there full time as it is, unlike your younger children. And anyway, having your own room is a recent and western privilege. So many of us shared rooms in my day. I can think of one family that had two sets of bunks in the same room even when the kids were teens (four boys) and the lone girl had a room of her own. They only had a three bedroom house, which was common in the 1970s.

What I would look at however, is creating teenaged spaces in the house. Eg a movie or gaming room, perhaps a sheltered outdoor space where they can socialise with their friends. You could also redecorate their existing room for extra privacy.

If you are still thinking about the loft, I would phone a couple of estate agents and ask if loft conversions in your area are a good return on investment. You don’t want to significantly over capitalise on your house and it may give your DH another angle to consider.
Honestly, your DH should have perhaps addressed that when you were first getting together and house shopping. I would not want to part with my savings either in the unpredictable financial and world climate we are living in.

the op hasn't actually clarified beyond stating they're the same sex.

if they're girls, switch for the 7yo girl rather than the 4yo boy.