Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

[Georgey0]

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

NRTFT

Do they have a room each at their mums? If they have private space in one home and a decent sized room in their other home (particularly if it can be divided in some way to offer privacy) I think that is completely reasonable.

fair does not mean things have to be exactly the same.

if they have to share at both houses while their younger siblings have their own rooms then it feels less fair to me.

do they always visit together? Can they alternate so they have the room to themselves during their visits?

Surely this is one of the most obvious less invasive options going 🤦‍♀️

no, because if you read the OP's post, there isn't a 'playroom' there is a space that is a walkthrough from the hall to the kitchen/diner, that isn't big enough to function as anything in particular, so they have the toys and DSC's gaming set up there.

And then there is their living room.

The downstairs isn't an option under those circumstances.

A garden room can get really cold unless very well insulated.

I think the point about studying for GCSEs is very valid, they get lots of homework and need to revise hard for GCSEs. So much easier with a quiet space.

I would convert the loft, it would make the house more valuable.

Op, I think you need to consider the family unit and prioritise all 4 children. It is now common for children to have their own rooms, especially older children, due to studying etc.

You mention savings, how much? Are you both equal earners? Would you be paying more relative to your income?

I think you are minimising your husband's emotions whilst also having strong feelings towards your children sense of "home". This could cause martial resentment and ultimately he is right to put his children first. Could he pay for all of it and then ringfence equity increase?

I think you need to compromise because it's important to him and his daughters. Listen to him and find a solution as that's part of being a team and family.

As the loft conversion will cost more than you thought due to needing extra work, how long will it take?

If DSC1 is 15 about to turn 16, assume they are about to do GCSEs. We had a complex lost conversion and by the time planning was through, the builders were available and the work was completed, it was 6 months before we could use the room. On a similar time frame, you could have dsc1 half way though year 12 before it’s done. Assuming they go away to uni, about 18 months of use.

So it’s not just the cost but the timeframe that should be considered.

Is remortgaging to cover the other 50% of the costs an option? With dh paying the extra mortgage payments.

Although I can understand the points you have made, I fundamentally disagree that all couples, families and blended families have to use the same template. I don't think everyone goes into a relationship with someone who already has children thinking " and every penny I"ll ever earn belongs to him and them". Split finances with a joint account and separate personal accounts are very common in many relationships where both are earning. All joint money should be used for the whole family (all four children). However, she shouldn't be manipulated into spending her savings on a loft conversion she doesn't want. Even if it would add to the value of the house. The split room idea (with potential creation of another window) is not a bad idea. He just won't entertain it. His choices are to borrow or live within his means.

I'd say moving home is less radical than living without a proper lounge for numerous years.

He's not dictating which is why it hasn't happened. This is about the step children feeling welcome at the house where their dad lives. It's not about the next two years before they go to uni or have less visits either, it's more than that, it's defining the future relationship in showing very clearly where they rest in the priorities of the blended family at a time they will be very sensitive to it. Those talking about adding value to a house, financial wrangling or power struggles, or if the children will visit regularly in 3 years are missing the point completely. My niece and nephew in exactly the same situation with their fathers new family had no rooms of their own. Stopped seeing him and 10 years on have seen him once as adults. Fundamentally OP doesn't want to spend her money on his children, he sees the very serious impacts this might have for future relationship with 2 of his children. That's a crunch situation for a blended family.
If she leaves him as you suggest then OP two shared children will face exactly the same issues at his new house. Which is likely to be smaller when assets are divided.

Compromise has to be reached somewhere along the line in this situation though. Using the reception room is the most reasonable option not affecting their savings.

We have a tiny reception room now but overall it sorted out all the problems with everyone having space they need now.

They're all 'his' children. I'm not sure OP has clarified they're girls either?

OP's children don't have 1.5 rooms. She's already said it's a family area that houses gaming stuff that her stepchildren used to use.

@Grazeboard I applaud your ability to do this if it is true. But I can't imagine loving anyone as much as I love my own children. I could imagine loving someone I chose to adopt. But then they would have been wanted by me in their own right. Meeting someone and suddenly automatically genuinely loving their children isn't something I can personally turn on and off like that. I could certainly love them. But if they were already grown by the time I met them, had their own mum, and I spent limited time with them, it just wouldn't be comparable.

He’s rejected the idea of one child having a bedroom with no window. Do you think he’s wrong?

He has suggested they convert their second reception room into a bedroom and she’s rejected that. She’s rejected extending into the loft.

She’s made clear her priority is to ensure her children have a room each and a playroom, so three rooms between two kids leaving two teens to share one room.

I have nothing invested in this. I am neither a step-child nor a step-parent but I can’t see any evidence of her compromising or making helpful suggestions.

would you let your child live in a room with no window?

Splitting a room would be better if possible. I cannot imagining cramming a family into a tiny living area whilst the main one sits empty more than half of the week.

Absolutely crazy to flatten your savings on a loft conversion. Especially these days. Turning your actual lounge into a bedroom is also a bad idea as I imagine that's where you all spend most of your time. Stud wall in the big bedroom would be the best and most cost effective option in my opinion. Everyone has their own space then.

Bonkers to use all of your savings, don't do it. Yes one bedroom would have no window but surely that's better than leaving yourselves financially vulnerable.

My loft conversion, including a bathroom to full regs and new steels took 2 months

Quite. Mine took 12 weeks. It’s trussed so needed steel, has a dormer and 4 velux windows, full bathroom, 2 bedrooms and a sitting/study area open to the stairs. The first floor needed 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms re-jigging and we got a new boiler. The plumber fucked off halfway through which added a couple of weeks. Tbf is was shit - everything was filthy and we were living cramped together with stuff in boxes and we were without hot water and heating for far too long but people claiming a child in ks3 will be “off to uni” never to be seen again like Tracey Barlow going upstairs to play her tapes before this can be done are disingenuous. It could be done before the summer holidays and the big kids would have a lovely welcoming space in the house they spend 43% of their nights at. When Tracey does go “off to uni” and the OPs kids are 13yos going to parties and living their own lives, staying with friends etc like the current 13yo is apparently doing they will have no need for a bedroom in their parents house the money can be recouped by downsizing.

How far is it between your house and their mum's?

I don't understand the obsession with continuing the three nights once kids reach about 16 unless there's significant distance involved.

They stay up late and no longer need baby sitting. What difference does it make if dad drops them back home at 10.30pm.

Similarly teenagers don't get up til lunchtime and is it really adding to anything to have them annoyed at their younger siblings up at 6.30am.

If it's not far then just coming and going and having your meals together, doing arranged things together is still quality time. I'm not sure measuring it by where they sleep still applies.

That's what we did and I have a perfectly good relationship with my dad. I'd have hated being made to stay just for the sake of it. Different when we were little and childcare was involved but if I wanted to sleep in my proper bed he'd just take me, even if it was late.

What about a stud wall with glass at the top to let light in?

@Georgey0 could you remove the central window in their current room and replace it with two windows that would allow for the room to be split?

Broken home is a massive leap, not every divorce needs to be a big drama.

It doesn’t matter if she loves them as much or not, but they still need to be treated as an equal part of the family.

Mic fuking drop! 🎤👋🏼

This. On mumsnet though children all go off to uni never to be seen again, unless they're a stepchild and then they must have a room ready waiting until they're at least 40.

I’d get a quote for a garden room, I bet the older one would love that.

oh please. Not having any saving left is unwise at best, benefit no child and is not helping anyone.

The bitterness is strong on this thread.