To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

Re privilege - posters being smug about not driving probably live somewhere with good public transport. It is irritating that city dwellers seem to be unaware of just how unreliable public transport is outside of towns and cities.

If I didn't drive I would also live somewhere with better transport. We have hourly trains that are often cancelled at the last minute.

It clearly is a privilege to have the means to afford to learn to drive. You can't argue with that.

I just tell people I’m not allowed to drive.

Fairly true because I’m dangerous on the roads and refuse to wear my glasses so couldn’t tell you the number plate of a car a cars distance away. I had a few lessons and if dh was out of action I know how to drive technically so could slap some L plates on and drive his car with him as passenger not that he ever wants to be a passenger.

I work from home, we have busses and a train station and two big shops a 25 minute walk and I can cycle. I also don’t ask for lifts.

Well, how 'grown up' would you like me to be? Left home at 18, married with a mortgage at 21, still married and mortgage paid off now at 50. I think I'm pretty 'grown up' without having that one 'basic skill'. My husband doesn't have that skill either.

Because we are both grown ups and have been for a long time, we can cope without an expensive box to carry ourselves around in. We prioritised a roof over our heads, which is one reason we were mortgage-free by my late 40s. We are grown up enough to live in areas with viable transport links (not nearly as hard as most of the driving so-called grown-ups claim, we have never lived in a major city), grown up enough to have adult jobs we can get to without needing to drive.

All in all, we are pretty capable adults. We just don't have one skill. I could be a sweeping generalist like you, and say most car drivers I know don't seem to be able to manage for five minutes when their little box on wheels isn't working, and suddenly the grown adults aren't at work because they've no idea how to get on the public transport that goes past their house every 20 minutes, but I won't.

Yes, whenever I wanted, if public transport doesn’t work (which is unusual frankly) then I get a taxi part or all of the way.

I am not restricted in where I need to go, I don’t ask for lifts ever, I’m never late meeting someone (but they often are due to finding parking). I plan my life accordingly much like someone with a car has to plan parking, getting petrol, making stops.

I don't want to take public transport. I also don't want to add another 30 minutes to my driving. But that doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with them. I wouldn't ask any one for petrol money, to me that's equivalent to buying the milk if they came for tea.

Why do you refuse to wear your glasses?

I agree with you and also learnt to drive in my 30s. I think perhaps learning later gives you a decent view from each side.

The ones who are incredibly judgemental probably learnt at 17, paid for by mum and dad, who have no idea that living without the tie of a car can be extremely freeing and perfectly doable, not to mention much healthier.

My car was sick over the Easter break and we had to walk everywhere and get the bus. My daughter loved it and didn’t want the car back. My heart sank a bit when the garage called me to collect it 😂

Exactly. It's just about planning, something car owners lose the ability to do with transport. Also whilst we are on the train we can post here and generally argue for reduced car use and increased public transport use. Or read a book or even communicate with other humans.

Your second paragraph is very alarming.’refuse to wear my glasses’ & ‘Slap some L Plates on..’ what about insurance etc & being able to see what’s on the road!! I think it’s best you stick with your decision not to be behind a wheel.

Who are all these people giving you the 20 questions OP? And why the need to elaborate/explain if you don't want to?

I'm in my 50s and don't drive (partially sighted though you wouldn't know if you met me). I've honestly never really had people questioning me about it. I just say "I don't drive" if it comes up. Unless you're always trying to get lifts (which you already say you aren't) you're just coming across a lot of nosy rude people!

They make it so can’t breath though my nose properly. I do have a contact assessment soon though.

No it’s not.

And I can drive!

Don’t be so judgemental and short minded.

I get that some people genuinely can't drive for medical reasons but my issue with bin drivers (some, not all), isn't just the ones who always expect a lift - in my experience most are good about this - it's in the way so much is limited. As a pp said - its the endless suggestion that it's "easier" to meet near them or on a convenient transport route. It's the places they don't want to go because it's too difficult or expensive to get to by public transport . That's what drives me mad.

Well indeed I am already on the insurance however. If I had to I’d wear my glasses obviously.

Ok yes a taxi makes things much easier for you, a person driving a car taking you to where you need to go. Without the taxi it wouldnt be so easy.

I can drive, but it took me 6 attempts (over a period of years) to pass my test.
I don't have great night vision, even with corrective lenses and like you have poor spatial awareness. I have chosen not to drive since lockdown as I find it too stressful and consider I present a danger.

I don't ask for lifts and will make my own way to places wherever possible.

I think there's only really judgement when either:

• its life limiting for the person, and they have the means to learn but aren't. E.g being limited from taking a better paid job (or any job) because reliant on very specific/limited public transport options
• they are very reliant on a spouse/partner who drives them a lot of the time
• they regularly have to decline things (or have a limited range of places they are willing to meet up) because public transport would be too difficult/costly/time consuming

I think when you live in cities its rarely an issue

I've learned to tune out the negative Nellies. I really can't be bothered with what anyone else thinks.

In my case I can drive in ANY other country except this one. I maintain a US driving license which I have had since the age of 16 and that gives me driving privileges everywhere I travel. DH has a UK license but we choose not to own a car because we live in a city centre and get to everything on foot or by bus. We have probably saved tens of thousands of pounds in the 15 years we have not had to run a car.

Oh and all the non drivers I know would say its totally fine, they are happy to use taxis etc, are very good at public transport etc

But then in RL you suggest an interesting restaurant or venue thats not near an easy transport route and you see their face fall trying to work out how long its going to take/cost, then you know they are going to say "hmm shall we got to X instead" and list the same boring town centre place they suggest every time because its easy & cheap to get to.

Or they pull that cats bum face towards the end of the evening when they need to ring a taxi, & hesitate over doing it for ages while muttering about the cost and how there'll be a half hour wait, you just get that vibe they are hoping some one will offer a lift.

Then some poor sod feels guilty after they've said it'll take ages for a taxi to come yet haven't actually rung one and you are all about to leave and mutters "oh Laura....you'll be waiting ages, do you want a lift"... and they beam and say "oh are you sure yes actually that would be lovely".

Do you ever ask anybody for a lift anywhere? If not you really aren’t anybody’s business.

I personally however will not ferry people around because they refuse to learn to drive. I’ll give you a nice wave as I drive past you at the bus stop and meet you where we’re going. If you have an issue with this attitude then I suppose we would have a problem.

Do any people who do drive everywhere ever feel guilty about the air pollution and noise pollution they create for pedestrians, cyclists, and people at bus stops etc (who also pay tax towards infrastructure)? Do you wonder if you might share part of the CF label? Just asking as I am learning to drive and it's taking me so long - I feel really guilty at all the air pollution I'm creating solely by being so slow to learn - it's not like my car journeys are even getting me from A to B.

Do you feel bad about the pollution you're creating for them to breathe in as you drive past waving? That is very destructive to their health?

@toomuchchaos I dont feel guilty no. I know when I'm in a busy place there will be noise and pollution.

No it probably wouldn’t be but that doesn’t matter because that is one of the ways I choose to make sure my inability to drive affects literally no body

Well, quite.

I passed my test at 39. Up until that point I had no issues at all being a non-driver. I'd spent most of my life living in London where I had access to excellent public transport. For some time I worked for TfL as well, so I didn't even need to pay for it.

It only became a pressing need after I moved to a completely different part of the country, where public transport isn't as good. I still use it as much as I can, but not driving was hampering my access to the job market. I like driving now, but I found learning a grim experience, and I'd never judge anyone who doesn't bother for whatever reason.