To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

It's sometimes awkward with non drivers. When you are going somewhere together. You may be "happy" to get public transport but they also happily accept the lift somewhere. It's mean to not offer a lift and just get in your car and go. I know it shouldn't be my problem but it feels rude.

I passed my test first time, 40 years ago, but do not drive.

Every time I get behind the wheel it gets into my brain that I could kill someone. I'm not a good driver. So I just don't do it. Never had any issues as the choices I have made, in my life, for me, have meant no need to drive.

Yes but that lifestyle change to help with climate change is a big change. Would need lots of local butchers, bakers, greengrocers to open near to where people live so we can go back to small regular shopping to avoid needing a car or home delivery service from supermarkets. Would need more clothes and home shops to open back up again to move away from online shopping which of course needs vans to deliver everything. I cant see it happening tbh. Population is just so big and getting bigger.

I can completely understand if someone was used to driving and then for some reason they can't anymore would be restricted as they are used to planning their lives around driving. But someone who has never driven plans their lives around not driving and using public transport/ walking, we don't miss it because we don't know any different.

Yes that's it, you dont miss what you've never had. I would miss driving. The idea of standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain, bus running late or not turning up, full of people coughing and sneezing, dirty seats, not being able to adjust the temperature, bus pulling away when an elderly person hasnt got settled in their seat, never knowing who else will be on the bus or who will sit next to you, lugging heavy bags of shopping from the bus stop to my house. I would hate it now that I've spent 20 odd years jumping straight into a comfy clean car.

Well trains no but buses will still get caught up in jams. I know several colleagues who commute by train and being late for work happens a lot more often than they would like. The alternative is a train that would make them far too early.

Why are you telling the OP this?

But won’t cars get caught up in that same jam? And a lot of major roads have specific bus lanes to minimise the effects of traffic jams.

Of course but I'd rather be in the comfort of my own car. The point is they want people to drive less and use public transport but at the same time services are being cut and lots of services run late or dont turn up. Like I said my car is just right there to jump into. So I will keep driving for as long as I can for an easier life.

Picnic transport? I’d give up my driving licence for that 😂

I assume you don’t have kids? Life can be tricky with kids if you don’t drive.
You are also drastically reducing your job opportunities if you can’t drive.

It’s an important life skill that you have clearly put off acquiring for a plethora of reasons, but one you should probably acquire now anyway, even if you choose not to use it in the short term.

Not everyone needs to drive. If everyone did it would be terrible - for the roads and the environment. It's expensive and stressful.

If you can get around via walking, public transport or (gasp!) getting a lift here and there, it's fine.

A person is not "lacking" just because they don't drive. Just like not everybody can earn a high wage or cook amazing meals or be beautifully creative. People have different skills and different priorities with what to spend their time and money on.

But you don't have to MOT a car nor pay for service, tyres, petrol, repairs nor have the hassle of arranging it all

Good observation, but you don’t need to own a car to learn to drive.

It really depends where you live. In a big city lots of people take public transport. I do 50% of the time yet I drive. Obviously if you are more rural and it has a big impact on your life, then it would be baffling to people that you don’t learn. I sympathise because most people find it easy to learn how to drive and it took me years and tons of lessons. I’m just very poorly coordinated.

I used to drive but had to surrender my license due to a progressive untreatable sight loss condition. It’s an absolute pain as we live in an area with poor public transport. I hate being dependent on other people. People judging me as a non driver just adds to feeling of loss and frustration.

Yes, I'm sometimes told I am 'lucky' to live near enough to my workplace to walk to it. But I wasn't allocated my house by lottery - I chose it over nicer/cheaper houses because that was a priority to me.

I’ve literally never been unable to get somewhere due to my inability to drive 🙄

Why is it awkward? If you want to go somewhere together, either take public transport together or give them a lift and ask for a petrol contribution. If you resent doing either of those things, you probably don't want to spend time with them that much.

I don't understand the awkwardness.

You set your life in a way that driving isn't essential for you.

With your health issues, even if you learned, it would be a good idea to keep your life organised around not needing to drive, so potential health hiccups don't isolate you from life and services.

Of course you can learn if you want, but it is a kind of luxury for you and you should choose from potential luxurious choices one which actually makes you happy, not something which would just make stupid people shut up.

I can drive. I still take public transport most of the time and like to have big part of day trips and holidays organised around train. It is just more enjoyable that way.

One of the biggest inconveniences about not being able to drive is all the jobs that demand a full driving licence. If I was applying for a delivery driver job then fair enough but an admin position? A receptionist? Surely there's a point where it becomes discrimination.

I’m 63 and don’t drive- I did learn when younger but struggled with manoeuvres , reversing round corners etc and gave up - I make sure we live convenient for good transport and never ask for lifts. H does drive and we have a car , but he only learnt when he was 50 . To be honest I can no longer be arsed - he likes a big 4x4 - we can only afford one car and I can guarantee he would be highly critical and passing comment if I drove because of his personality -

I learnt to drive when I was 40. I totally understand the embarrassment at not being able to drive as I used to feel like I’d somehow’failed’ to acquire an adult life skill. I did get lectured at by people on how driving is useful & opens up possibilities for you (& to be fair they were right it has made my life easier and they probably weren’t lecturing me but rather trying to encourage me.)

I grew up in a household without a car so was used to getting public transport. I recently had a conversation with a colleague and I was incredulous when they said they haven’t taken a bus since they were 16 and wouldn’t know how to. They could have posted about it on here 😆

If you choose not to learn as you can happily navigate yourself around using public transport of course that’s perfectly reasonable. It’s better for the environment and you just need to be comfortable and confident about your life choice. Which I think is the problem here. it’s really your inner critic judging yourself and feeling that you should have /should still do it ( while also knowing it was justifiable that you didn’t.)

YABU to say you don’t drive rather than can’t drive though. I don’t know why but that irks me when non-drivers say it as it feels disingenuous.

Exactly. The vast majority of humans do not have access to personal transport that they can use at their convenience and create the resulting environmental damage. Thankfully for the planet. It's a developed society entitlement to consider this as a life skill. One of the reasons public transport is poor in certain areas is because car owners never consider any form of other transport except their car and tge demand doesn't make ut vuable. They are so used to being able to go where they want at exactly the time they want that they would never consider using communal transport methods. This morning watching numerous cars driving around a supermarket car park looking for the nearest space to the entrance spewing out the pollutants to save their owners 30 second walk. It's a life skill, definitely.

Yes but whenever you wanted? Your dictated by bus/train times or bus/train stops etc. Or how far you can walk or cycle. That's the convenience of a car its wherever you want, whenever you want.