To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

Something I did notice though, was that people offered you lifts and then were astounded/almost offended when you didn't take them.

It can feel like you can't win turn them down they get offended - or when you haven't asked or expected having to listen to reasons why they can't help you - or giving in and then finding they take you somewhere else - as they insist it's better for you or more convinet for them.

Last one I really hate - my family used to do this - take me to a different station with three young kids - no idea about travel and having to buy more tickets.

That why I generally hate lifts.

Though I do find it irriating when people ignore 5-10 easy to get to places and insit on meeting at most obscure and hard to get to places- often it's not as special as made out - few times it has been have been pleased we made the effort - but sometime think it's some drivers making a point and being dicks and they do get upset when you know it's not worth the hassle and decline.

Re privilege - posters being smug about not driving probably live somewhere with good public transport. It is irritating that city dwellers seem to be unaware of just how unreliable public transport is outside of towns and cities.

This. We had dinner with a friend once. Got to the end of the meal and got up to leave. Ended up having to agree we'd hang around another 40 mins because felt bad leaving non driving friend sat on her own becauses buses are only one an hour.

Have had many other similar situations eg no bus running after 9pm, uber has no drivers anywhere near you.

No...it means people chose to move to places that have good transport and think about it when they apply for jobs. I have a number of friends who don't drive. They live in a very flat part of the country with decent public transport and cycle. They've taught their kids well so they cycle together to places. They made sure they live / work in a place and with distances that are manageable. I drive everywhere but I get why they like their choice.

I think car drivers have a different definition of what it means to go somewhere whenever you want. For a non driver there is checking timetables, waiting for the next bus or train, possibly having to wait for multiple buses or trains depending on where your going. For a car driver that isnt the definition of going somewhere whenever you want. You jump in your car when you fancy. Your not restricted by timetables.

Nope. I have an electric car and everyone who lives in a home creates pollution and waste of some kind so I dont see why it's only down to me to feel guilty about this. By this rationale, everyone who ever goes by plane anywhere on holiday should feel hugely guilty.

Nope. I own sustainable woodland among other things. My foot print will be less than the majority of people on here and I drive around in a Land Rover.

Though I do find it irriating when people ignore 5-10 easy to get to places and insit on meeting at most obscure and hard to get to places- often it's not as special as made out - few times it has been have been pleased we made the effort - but sometime think it's some drivers making a point and being dicks and they do get upset when you know it's not worth the hassle and decline.

The reverse of this from a drivers point of view is that its soooo annoying when the same old boring easy town centre places are suggested over and over again. Places that are a bit off the beaten track often ARE a bit special, they have to be to exist & survive because they can't rely on footfall in a busy location, they have to be a destination in themselves. Most people who drive are used to picking somewhere purely based on how good it is, travel considerations don't come into it, so its annoying when you feel you must rule out somewhere lovely because someone's complicated public transport timetable has to limit your choice.

Why would people be dicks and make a point? When you are driving the easy to get to by public transport places are just as easy as anywhere else to drive to. If somewhere's great AND close to a station then its as likely to be chosen as somewhere that's great and not near public transport.

This morning I wanted to go to IKEA, I got ready, left when I wanted and checked train/bus timetable to see which was the most convenient in that moment, it was bus so I walked 15’ and hopped on, if I’d left 5 mins earlier it would’ve been train. People who don’t drive don’t sit around all day because the world is inaccessible. We just get on with it 😂

And this idea of if you have an licence you have anbs freedom,even that’s only if you own a car, which is not necessarily financially viable for many.

Friend of mine can drive and has done for many years but doesn’t own a car, we had a “on street” car rental service so she could book a car (still, wasn’t unusual for there to not be one locally or had to pay extra to reserve earlier) and they’ve now taken that away so she can drive but does not have access to a car.

A driving license is fuck all use if you don’t have access to a car.

Because us saying no thanks is met with anger - and then insist it makes their point we should drive as their manufactored situation proves it a problem.

Frankly a lot of the comment on here sort of prove people have an issue with non drivers.

If you want to go somewhere that require driving fair enough - but if non driver you know don't want to with you that should also be fine.

The fact that you had options of bus, train and onstreet car rental says that you live in a city with good public transport options. Most people don't.

To get to our nearest Ikea, it's an hour by car or 2.5 hours by public transport. Thats 3 different buses, one train journey and 35 minutes of walking!

That's up to you. I've no problem with that at all. Funnily enough, I've had people who are baffled and incredulous at my lack of driving pressure lifts on me, then be surprised when I say 'no, thank you'.

I find it odd that people think I would just be pining to sit in their boxes so much that I'm going to cry if they drive past me. People who have become so detached from the idea of using their legs that my 2 mile walk to work horrifies them.

The biggest lift cadgers I have known are those whose cars are in for repair and they can't cope.

Is your illness to the point where you're legally NOT allowed to drive?

The fact that you had options of bus, train and onstreet car rental says that you live in a city with good public transport options. Most people don't.

Most people who don't drive live in places with good transport - as that makes sense.

If you live more rurally then driving is more a necessary.

That point been made multple times on here - you set your life up to suit you. It's why it is more problematic if you suddenly can't drive and have to adjust when you may have bought a house without considering that.

But I have set my life up to suit me.

I want to live in cities, I love living in cities and that generally goes hand in hand with a public transport system.

I don’t drive so I’m not going to cart my arse of to rural Devon am I. I, like most people, make life choices that suit me and the life I choose for myself.

If someone chooses to live in the arse end of nowhere with a poor public transport system and cannot drive then it is on them to decide what that means for their life and lifestyle and if it suits, amazing, if it doesn’t then you figure it out

Exactly location has a lot to do with it. I dont judge someone who doesnt drive but I agreed with the poster about sometimes not getting my head around someone who is able to drive and has the finances to drive and choosing not to. I think driving is so convenient and comfortable compared to public transport. I have a couple of friends who dont drive and occasionally it gets brought up- but they are happy not to drive so my comments make no difference to them and they know I'm happy to drive so their comments to me make no difference, so there isnt much more to say 😆

Buses run on the right a 2 minute walk away to the nearest 2 towns. The problem is that they don't go to the city 5 miles away, and the bus stations in the towns (and city for that matter) are no where near the railway stations. So public transport is actually fine for going shopping, the GP surgery, etc., but hopeless if you actually want to leave the area because that's when the multiple bus journey changes and long walks are needed. A complete lack of integration and planning. Even the city park n ride is the "wrong" side of town opposite to where most people live so you have to drive THROUGH the congested town to get to the PNR to come back in again! Mindless planning! (And the PNR doesn't stop at the railway station either!).

Yes! This

What really bugged me was where I once worked for five years as an audit manager. Part of the job was travelling to client sites for working on site, sometimes just a day, sometimes a full week, occasionally 2/3 weeks usually needing 1 or 2 other staff to come with me. I didn't live in the town where I worked - I lived 25 miles away. Most of the other staff lived in the town. I was expected to go into the office to pick them up and drop them off in town again at end of day. None of them ever made any attempt whatsoever to get a train/bus to the town close to where we were working. There was just an expectation I'd trudge through the congested town centre twice a day to pick up/drop off even though it added time to my day (and mileage).

Sometimes, when the "destination" was closer to where I lived, or even in my own town, they'd still expect me to drive up to pick them up, virtually passing my own house again on the way back and do the same at end of day! I didn't put up with that and forced them to make their own way to my town where I picked them up at the bus/train station, but neither they nor the bosses were happy at my stance.

It's the expectation from non drivers which is the killer for me. It was the main reason I left that job. Luckily in the next job, it was based out of town on a business estate so most of the staff had to drive there anyway, so had their own transport, and we didn't have the same problem. We'd all just agree to either meet at the client's premises, or for longer journeys, meet at a car park or lay by and travel together in one car.

Nobody you know who drives likes a drink, then? Most evenings out I have had with car drivers, they are the ones who want to go local because they don't want to drive, but can't work out how to get home from anywhere without their cars.

Whether you learn to drive or don’t should be about what you want and nothing to do with anybody else.

If someone asks why you don’t drive you don’t need to give them your life story just say “I’ve always lived in places with great public transport so never got round to it” or similar. Or even just the “never got round to it” part.

Which is fine if you're not reliant on other people driving you around in their cars (including taxis!).

I honestly don't care if people drive or not as long as they aren't hinting at or expecting lifts from other people because it's 'easier' for them.

I wouldn't talk to someone about it though unless they are spending at length about their reasons why

Absolutely this.

I catch the bus to work. One morning and colleague got on as her car had failed it's MOT.

God the drama. You would have thought it was the end of the world. Everyone at work knew about it and how terrible it was.

She arranged a lift home, in the staffroom at lunchtime Plus a lift in the following day and until her car was repaired.

Meanwhile I just quietly walked to the bus stop and caught the bus home.

And before I get jumped on, no disabilities, no young children to ferry around.

Perhaps you lived on a good bus route and they didn't??

Well she caught the same bus as me from the same small town I live in...