To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

I ditched my first serious boyfriend because he didn't drive and had no intention of learning. I got fed up of constantly being the one who had to drive us for dates, days out, etc., not being able to drink on nights out, etc. I finally ditched him when he started expecting me to drive to pick him up in the morning from his parent's house to take him to work, it was a long detour I'd have to make every day and he seemed really put out that I refused to do it. That was the moment I saw his true colours and ditched him!

Unsurprisingly, Then people who cannot drive will take this into account when they choose where to live.

Did someone just throw you in a random house and you had to get on with life? You do know people make choices on stuff like this right?

Afaic the more people who DON'T drive the better cos there's more room on the roads for me!
Seriously, using public transport is in theory great (I do but then I'm on the outskirts of London with loads of trains in the rush hour).
In practice the problem is empty buses or trains with horrible men on or (worse) having to walk to/from bus stops or stations at night.
Fortunately for me that seldom comes up (late night trains here are busy) but I know it does for a friend who lives in Epsom.
Personally I think there should cheaper lessons for women because we NEED to learn (men are safer on pt), and because if there were only women on the road the world would be a safer place!
But yes I know I'm being sexist.👏

Some of us have to chose where to live based on family commitments, location of workplaces, both for self and partner, wages when young being too low to pay for accommodation, so "trapped" living at home at the start of working life, etc.

Anyway, if everyone moved to London, there'd be no jobs, the public transport would collapse and house prices would soar.

There has to be balance and that's what lacking after decades of London Centricity re public transport, employment, etc.

This is exactly the attitude OP is talking about.
It is tantamount to bullying. I know you don't see it as that but when you already feel bad and anxious then there is a pile on if you should, you should, you should. It is soul destroying.

Driving is something that to me is a privilege and not a right as you can end your own life or the life of someone else doing it.

Correct
I dont drive
I have anxiety/flashbaks from when a truck almost killed me at 16, in the driver side while we were broken down on the side of the road
I would be unsafe on the road
I have no business being there - for my own and others safety
So many shouldnt be on the road

DH supports my choice as he is medically retired with PTSD from truck driving - safety related. He would much prefer to drive me than have another unsafe driver on the road

Plenty of people are not in a position to just pick and choose where they live. They may have family or a job in a certain town and an easier less complicated option is to get a car and drive, rather than upheave their whole life to move to a bigger town or city.

Well I haven’t said “People should uproot their entire lives and move rather than learning to drive”, have I? I’m not trying to advocate against driving.

All I’m saying is that people plan - or at least they should - for their lives they have, not the lives others have. It would be a massive waste of money for me to learn to drive when I don’t need to, and when I don’t have anywhere to store a car, and pretty stupid of me to choose to live somewhere where I couldn’t get on without driving.

No but you said you made a 'sensible decision'. It's not a case of sensible or not. It depends on whether that's an option for someone or not.

But it WAS a sensible decision. Certain posters have been trying to suggest that it’s sheer dumb luck if you end up in an area where there’s good public transport. It isn’t. I planned it.

Yes but only because it was an option available to you. If someone doesnt live somewhere where there are great buses, trains etc it's not necessarily because they made a stupid decision.

But they did make a decision. Why are you trying to pretend this isn’t the case?

Apart from the points I made earlier about family and jobs, somewhere with great bus services, trains, trams, tubes etc will be a more desirable place to live. Some people might not be able to afford to move there. It's not that they made a bad decision.

I could say I made the most sensible decision by learning to drive and owning a car as it means I can live anywhere- countryside, village, town or city. I can use public transport if I want or use my own transport. But I wouldn't describe it as the sensible decision as that's smug and condescending.

Apart from the points I made earlier about family and jobs, somewhere with great bus services, trains, trams, tubes etc will be a more desirable place to live. Some people might not be able to afford to move there. It's not that they made a bad decision.

I don’t agree with this. A lot of very affluent areas aren’t well served for public transport at all, because the assumption is the demand isn’t there as everyone can afford cars. (I grew up in an area just like this.) It’s often areas that might be considered less desirable that are well served, as car ownership is lower.

I could say I made the most sensible decision by learning to drive and owning a car as it means I can live anywhere- countryside, village, town or city. I can use public transport if I want or use my own transport. But I wouldn't describe it as the sensible decision as that's smug and condescending.

There’s “a sensible decision” and “the sensible decision”. Your decision made sense - but that doesn’t make it the only sensible option. What I am saying, and I don’t know how to make it any clearer if you simply refuse to get it, is that it would be a sensible decision to pick an area well served by public transport if you can’t drive and don’t intend to learn. It’s not “lucky” or a “privilege”.

YANBU

I don’t like driving, get car sick just being in the car due to the windy roads, and I’m only in the car maybe 10 times a year. I can go months without being in a car. I live in a commuter town with buses going to Cambridge, Oxford, and Milton Keynes. Trains going to London, Oxford, and Birmingham which then connect to other cities. I have four food shops within 15 minutes walking distance. I have a bus stop into town and one to Oxford less than three blocks away from our home. The kids’ school is is a 7 minute walk and there’s two daycares across the street from the school. The surgery is less than a 15 minute walk. Even in the winter time, it’s faster for me to walk our son to school than DH driving him because DH has to warm the car up and defrost the windows and in the time it takes him to do all that, find a spot, and walk him to school, it is more than me walking him there. It would be silly for me to get in the car to drive when I can walk and not take up a parking spot for someone else nor do I think we need more cars on the road.

One of my son’s school helpers mentioned she saw me walking to Aldi’s with two of my children and said I should drive. It’s only 1.4 miles away and it is a lovely walk (all pavement) where I can stop part of the way through a park and let the kids play. I’d take the bus to work and parking was a ball ache for those who drove.

I don’t ask for rides, DH offers but I rather walk. The weather is rarely horrendous enough that I can’t, get fresh air and some exercise that I wouldn’t get if I just drove everywhere.

There's no law that says people have to drive. If everyone drove a car, the environment would suffer. I won't drive.It's not an illness and I don't apologise. I hate driving and actually don't like cars. I don't ask for lifts, I use public transport and walk. Taxis late at night. People well meaning feel sorry for me, I just tell them that I don't need to worry about road tax, insurance, petrol prices, finding a parking spot and all the agro of road rage. Not to mention polluting the planet. I'm a fully functioning adult, I just don't drive!

I don't drive,never learnt for various reasons. The only place I feel negatively judged about it is on Mumsnet! People assume that I must always be scrounging lifts off friends and family. I don't,the only time I get a lift anywhere is with my daughter when she and her DH take me to do a big food shop occasionally,but they are going shopping themselves anyway. I have a disabled Freedom Pass which I use on buses and trains and it gets me more or less anywhere I need to go. Besides which, due to my financial situation now (living on disability benefits) I doubt I would be able to afford to run a car!

Well lots of people cant just pick and choose where they live. So I would never say- oh yes I chose to live somewhere with great public transport- I made a sensible decision. You were lucky that you could move to wherever you wanted. I'm lucky that I can afford to drive and own a car, that I dont have health reasons for not being able to drive and that I have the ability to drive.

Very eloquently put!

@dummydimmer what is it you dont like about cars?

Like you say it's a choice. No one has to drive if they dont like it. I like driving and all the upsides to it. Tax and insurance are just once a year. I can actually get to certain places cheaper than on the train. Parking is only a problem if you arent prepared to walk a bit and road rage sometimes happens but you dont have to let if effect you.

Yep, it’s a real privilege to be disabled and not legally allowed to drive. And then having to plan where you live to accommodate your disability. Not being able to drive is the worst thing about my disability but yes, I’m privileged. Ok then.

I wasn’t lucky. I made a sensible plan, worked hard to make it happen and did well out of it. My life didn’t fall out of the sky into my lap.

I live somewhere with brilliant public transport. I often see people on MN claiming it's the worst place ever to live and they wouldn't live here if they were paid too. OK, slight exaggeration, but it's definitely not "desirable"

I'm the same as you and I have choices due to various reasons. But unfortunately it's not so easy for plenty of other people. And large parts of the UK do not have good enough public transport options.

Well that's the other thing then isnt it- what will make you happier- having easy access to buses etc but maybe having to live in a run down area with high crime, or living somewhere nicer but with less buses and trains available. What's the sensible option!