To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

There is smuggery on both sides isn't there?

The non drivers with great public transport and those who can afford to run a car.

YABU for caring so much what other people think.
I don't drive either but don't feel the need to justify myself.
I get around perfectly fine on public transport

I couldn't care less and only learned in my mid 30s but always followed through golden rules of never expecting or relying on a lift, always offering a contribution and not just fuel, never trying to change the time or location of it, or making complaints about their vehicle.

As soon as I learned I found this is not typical

Perhaps I've led a very sheltered life, but in 50+ years of being a non-driver (by choice) I've not encountered any judging/grilling.

I find it odd that people think I would just be pining to sit in their boxes so much that I'm going to cry if they drive past me. People who have become so detached from the idea of using their legs that my 2 mile walk to work horrifies them

You find it odd because you arent driving so dont have people trying to cadge lifts often and thats the point. I certainly do NOT think all non drivers do this by any means, but as a driver it has happened enough times to me that it has become a real irritation.

Equally, as a driver, I have not experienced what the OP describes because I do drive. I am not going to therefore say what the OP has experienced simply isnt real just because I havent experienced it. Same applies to people feeling entitled to lifts.

When I used to drive I gave people lifts very often. In fact I gave someone a lift to work every day for 6 months. I don't understand the drama; either give a lift if you don't mind or don't if you hate it.

My non driver (but MORE than happy to get public transport) friend used to ask if I fancied going for lunch. I’d agree. She’d suggest a particular restaurant. It was only about 20 mins to drive there from my house but parking was a nightmare. We live in London. So there’s great transport but this particular place was awkward from where we lived. Would involve a bus and two tubes. She would also need to walk 20 mins to her bus stop. Every single time she’d suggest this restaurant she’d then say “you’re driving though yeah?” If I said no she’d say well let’s not bother then. So unless I drove 10 mins in the opposite direction to her house to pick her up, then 30 mins to the place plus the hassle of parking, then 20 mins home and the 10 mins extra to her house then the 10 mins back again she just couldn’t be bothered.

On the odd occasion I did drive she used to get so annoyed if parking was a nightmare. As if it was my fault. Once years ago I parked in a car park and the pay and display had just changed to online/app/phone only. So I was trying to figure out how to pay (the very early days using phones for all this). She ended up storming off to the restaurant by herself as “there was hardly going to be any point at this rate”.

There was also one time we got public transport somewhere and on the way home 2 tube lines were suspended so it was awful and she was panicking because she needed to get back to pick her son up from school and she ended up shouting at me “if you’d have just driven we wouldn’t be having this problem!!” I suggested she should get a cab but she wouldn’t unless I paid half even though I didn’t need it and it also wouldn’t be taking me home anyway it would be taking me to her sons school!

(FYI I’m not really friends with her anymore. I only see her at mutual friends events)

She sounds awful. Very spoiled. Although I expect she behaved like this about other things too, not just transport.

I'm afraid I'm slightly judgey about people who don't drive (unless they can't drive for medical reasons, obvs).

I think it restricts choices. Most of the jobs I've done have required a driving licence, and I'd have had to move from where I live if I couldn't drive, thanks to the cuts in bus services (no Sunday service or buses before 8.45 or after 6pm, and a 2-hour gap in the middle of the day).

The biggest lift cadgers I have known are those whose cars are in for repair and they can't cope.

My garage always give me a loan car if mine has to go in for any reason.

Agree, as long as people don’t expect others to drive them around.

Re privilege - posters being smug about not driving probably live somewhere with good public transport. It is irritating that city dwellers seem to be unaware of just how unreliable public transport is outside of towns and cities.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but there’s certainly no “smugness” from my side, or lack of awareness. A PP put it perfectly when she said she wasn’t allocated her house in a lottery.

I'm perfectly well aware that public transport can vary wildly in frequency and reliability from area to area. That’s why I chose to live somewhere where it IS frequent and reliable. I didn’t get lucky - I made a sensible decision.

I dont care who judges me for not driving. I don't ask for lifts and find it easy enough getting around without the need to drive.
I couldn't drive if I wanted too it's safer for everyone that I don't drive.

Not having to go to the hell on earth that is IKEA is one of the best reasons I can think of not to drive!

@IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece yep me too - recently had to get back from somewhere about 8 miles away late at night. H was away and no buses and not on train route - so got a £21 uber - given that I don’t drive and I’m not paying on a car for myself for fuel, car loans, servicing, AA, tyres , insurance etc - the odd£21 taxi seems a bargain

Well it’s a fundamental life skill, so while it’s no one else’s business what you do, people are going to be a bit surprised.

I would learn, it’s incredibly useful when you get older and public transport is difficult - it can extent independence for many years.

People can get older and find it more difficult to drive (and safely!) as well though, so what's the difference?

I know 3 non-drivers. 2 are epileptic (how would you know??). One doesn't have a car for eco reasons and in any case lives in a city. These are my friends. They don't ask for lifts but will accept is someone offers and it's convenient. Mostly they make their way to things by themselves. One of them, the city-dweller, will take taxis rurally rather than put people out (and doesn't worry about the cost as she doesn't run a car).

Why on earth would anyone judge them as lesser people? It's bizarre.

I'm perfectly well aware that public transport can vary wildly in frequency and reliability from area to area. That’s why I chose to live somewhere where it IS frequent and reliable. I didn’t get lucky - I made a sensible decision.

I hope it stays that way! I made a similar decision many years ago and bought a house on the edge of a small town, but with a bus service 7 days a week. If I had to go to London for a meeting, I could get a bus to the station and be in London by 9 or soon after, and get a bus back up to 8.30 pm.

Now, there's no service at all on a Sunday, the first bus isn't until 8.45 and the last one is 5.45, which is no use at all to commuters, as the train takes an hour or more.

Same happened to the bus service through the centre of our village in the noughties. First it was down graded to just twice a day, and then the route was cancelled altogether. Now people have to walk to the by pass to catch a bus, which isn't much fun for the elderly trying to walk either on a public footpath through farmers fields or along a country road with no pavements from certain parts of the village.

That’s one bus service though. I’m in walking distance of a mainline train into London, plus two Tube lines (a third is accessible by bus). Six different bus services go down the main road.

As lots of people have said, some places are where public transport is more of a viable option, but the reality is that most people don't have a train station, two tube lines and six bus routes close to where they live.

Where's the smuggery?Annoyance and thinking non drives live in a 4x4 bubble and beg for lifts on the daily, sure. But smuggery? Not so much

I learned and passed when I was 17 but didn’t actually need a car until I moved to my current property which is rural with a poor bus service. Now I have one I can’t imagine not having one and it wouldn’t be practical but I don’t think I’d bother if I moved somewhere like London which as decent public transport options.

Due to my location I’d expect anyone I now dated to be able to drive as I wouldn’t want to be the one doing all the travelling to meet or drive everywhere while they never had to.

For heaven’s sake - I haven’t said they do! I’m saying that most people who don’t drive take this into account when choosing where to live.