To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

Are you based in the USA by any chance?

I judge people who can’t drive yet expect a lift every 5 seconds.

I voted YABU just because you mention a few times about embarrassment and I get the feeling it’s more of a you problem.

I personally think that driving is an important life skill and if you have the means to do it, I would say it’s worthwhile to get a licence.
You seem to have a long list of excuses why you can’t/ won’t do it. But if it boils down to that you simply don’t want to - that’s fine, you do you. As long not driving causes no one else any major inconvenience, it’s no one else’s business and so YANBU.

Imagine a world where every adult drove.

I for one am glad that it's not a reality.

You are not imposing, you should not need to explain. A lot of the people who challenge you probably should not have a licence anyway, given that about 25% who do should not (some health, most conduct behind the wheel).

I don't drive op. Technically I can, as I did learn. But I'm neuro-divergent, and my sensory processing issues just aren't compatible with busy roads. I don't tell people, as my reasons are none of their business. I just tell them I don't have a car.

That's definitely an issue. I also live somewhere with very poor public transportation. When I had to have knee surgery to repair an injury I was literally unable to drive for a few months. If my husband hadn't been able to drive we would have been in a real pickle.

@JackdawRoost You have hit the nail on the head....I need a one liner, it's the being put on the spot and feeling like I have to go back over my life to even explain it to myself and I shouldn't have to.

@Coconutter24 Exactly....I've gone 41 years not driving, however still considering it though (just considered it for much longer than most people, I'm such an overthinker).
@Anonym00se This is what drives me insane, people who just assume that everyone can afford a car and afford to learn at 17. I know the person who really judges me was one of those people whose mum and dad bought them a car and paid for their driving lessons when they were 17 and they just assume everyone else can afford to do the same....I know a lot of people are working full time at 17, but a lot of people are in college and only working part time outside of it, and a lot of people even when they are working full time, still struggle to make ends meet let alone keep a car on the road.

I'm very sorry you have been treated this way @Ceriane How rude of people to go at you like this. If people cannot be bothered to learn, and are just happy to let others ferry them about, then of course people are going to be annoyed, and comment. But if someone has had a good go at it and not managed to pass their test (or if they have health issues that prevent them from driving,) then it's extremely unfair to berate them for not being able to drive.

It's so hard these days to learn to drive too, as you have to wait about 5-6 months for a bloody driving test! And if you fail, you have to wait another 5-6 months! And it's so expensive too (to learn!) I know SIX young people right now (between 19 and 26) who have tried to learn over the past 2-4 years, and they got so sick of it, (and struggled so much with the expense!) that they all got motorbikes!

I hope you do pass one day (if you want to.)

I am shocked that a third of people voting (on your poll) think YABU! How can they think this?! You have TRIED!

I have dyspraxia could technically drive - manged to pass test second time- but it hard with poor special awarness and frankly why do drivers want someone more likely to be in an accident on roads with them.

It is occaionally a pain - it was with Dad funeral in more rural location than we live- 4 taxi and three time price no idea why as DMum since taken taxis in area with half the cost and same distance.

We live in cities with decent transport and some local amenities GP, shop, cash machine and bus stops. DH doesn't drive either and doesn't ever want to - his parenst donlt drive in their 70s now. I think he dislikes getting buses often suggest taxi but he fine on trains and biking. I don't tend to feel judge on public tranport though it can be a trial in cold or if it's disrupted or just general poor behavior of gneral public.

Managed non driving even with three young kids and no car and lived all over the country - my parents who did drive eneded up house bound and these days most things can be delivered so managed.

When you say you don't drive, it sounds as if you've made a decision, rather like saying I don't eat meat. If you say you can't drive then it just doesn't invite the same curiosity.

It's a basic life skill. Very few people who don't drive have a genuine reason for not doing so, lots of justifications but few real reasons. Most I know who can't, seem to be a bit Peter pan in that they don't seem to want to grow up. I don't give it much thought as it doesn't affect me. I do judge when they try to get lifts etc. I think it must be very limiting around hobbies and sports. Oh and you can drive with epilepsy as long as it's controlled/other conditions.

@Middlechild3 erm....try dealing with my health issues and see how up to driving you feel....easy to judge what you've never experienced.

I think the issue is that for most people, the only reason the non-drivers in their life get away with not bothering to learn is because they rely on everyone else to ferry them around. I can't even count the number of times I have been asked if I will pick a colleague up from the train or bus station each morning or drop them off at the end of the day, if I'll do the long drive for friends who won't learn, had to arrange plans around people who refuse to drive, etc. Growing up my mother refused to learn and I saw the toll it took on my dad, having to drop her off and pick her up from work at ridiculous times when public transport wasn't running.

Unless there's a really solid medical reason why someone simply can't, it's just selfish unless you never ask anyone else for lifts. Even if you can get around via public transport okay right now, that doesn't mean you'll always be able to. You limit yourself massively in terms of jobs, housing options and so forth.

I guess it just seems a bit embarrassing to have got well into adulthood and still never bothered. However I would never go out of my way to tell someone that, it's not my business. Just being honest here cos you've raised the topic.

If anyone gets really pushy and a few do - just vaugly mention medcial reasons and if they ask further questions - and some people will - decline to talk about your meidcal history with them.

It a lack of imagination from so many - they can't image not driving therefore no-one else life can possible work.

I wouldn't live rurally and not drive but living in cities it's possible - and with modern apps that track buses or foldable bikes - including electric bikes-often easier than ever before.

It is different though suddenly not being able to drive and then having to adapt and setting up your life knowing you don't so make sure you are near things.

I am one of those people who shouldn’t be driving. I passed my test but have had several accidents as I have poor spacial awareness and coordination. My last RTA (my fault) wrote off two cars, as well as my mine and I received a police caution. I needed hospital treatment for my injuries. Do you really think I should get back behind the wheel again?

I learnt in my 40s and only drive an automatic, so it's not too late OP, if it's something you really want to do.

I do believe that not everyone is cut out for driving - you see people who fail test after test and have no instinct for it. The road is littered with bad drivers and it's a good thing imo, if people who feel they don't have the necessary ability for it, stay off the road. Thats responsible in my view.

And sometimes people have lives where they just don't need to drive, or they've set things up to not need a car. It's no one's business bar theirs, providing they aren't expecting friends and colleagues to plug the gaps.

Some people give vague bog standard excuses because they have been asked repeatedly all their lives, similar to why don't you want children. I used to say because I'm too selfish and then I would get a million but you're so thoughtful and nurturing , so I would come up with can't afford them etc.
People say anything just to get them off their backs when the real reason is I don't think I'm capable and you should just let them be. Or better yet, don't ask in the first place.

If someone started a thread saying “I’m training to use a piece of machinery that can kill in the wrong hands. I’ve failed my licence test four times. Should I try again?”, people would unanimously vote absolutely not. Yet when that piece of machinery is a car, it’s all “Keep going, you can do it - it’s a life skill!”

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down.

One particularly vitriolic poster on here a few years ago was ranting that no one would EVER get a decent job without a driving licence and that that was a FACT. I think my £73k a year job is quite decent, and I do it very well without driving.

I don't drive, as I'd be a liability on the road.
I'm 46 and I have never 'felt' judged, but I'm sure some people do/have.
I'm also not a CF and have never tried to cadge lifts off others.
Ultimately, I don't give a flying fuck about what people think about me taking public transport.

It's a basic life skill.

If it was basic, no one would ever take their test twice or more.

I learnt to drive abroad, years ago where all 12 of my friends did the same in secondary school. It was just the norm there, even though I lived somewhere with reasonable public transport.

Can I ask though, in the UK, can you ONLY learn with an instructor, for every lesson? I keep seeing the 'its SO expensive for lessons' on similar threads.
Once you've had a few lessons with an instructor, can't you go with a qualified driver with L plates on for further practice in the UK?

I don't drive and have simply never wanted to.
It's not an important life skill for me. My parents never drove either. Never had a car in the family
Life is normal without one.

Let people judge, they're only arseholes 🤣

Or that they’ve deliberately chosen to live somewhere with access to viable public transport - you know, because they can’t drive.