To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

Another thing is with my work, even if I did drive and had a car, I would still get public transport, as it's easier as a lot of my colleagues have issues with finding a place to park and it bypasses the traffic.

I only judge people, who can't drive, when they're asking for lifts all the time.

Never too late to learn and is an important life skill.

I honestly couldn't care less if someone drives or not. Absolutely none of my business. I do care if they relentlessly ask for lifts to/from work or nights out. Occasionally, not a problem. I've had my share of CF expecting free lifts home from work with no contribution and little thanks -wanting me to hang around for them to finish and stop at food places. Soon put a stop to that!

It’s life limiting not being able to drive so for many of us it’s an essential life skill that we prioritise. About 40% of issues posted on here could been easily resolved but the op doesn’t drive so it’s far more complex. That said, circumstances have gone against you and only you can decide if you want to prioritise it or not.

Similar to you, I can't drive - I have poor spatial awareness and get left and right muddled. I tried to learn for about a year when I was 17 but I just couldn't do it. I've always made sure I work somewhere where I don't need to drive to get there. I never ask for lifts.

I’ve never been interested in driving and people seem gobsmacked I don’t, some think non drivers will always be late but that’s not the case, I’m always at least 20 minutes early for everything. Bike, walk, bus, uber, DH, a friend always asks if I want a lift anywhere, I never ask anyone for a lift. But people do think it’s odd I’ve never wanted to learn

That depends where you live and work, that is is a life skill.

I hate driving and have now got rid of my car. There are good bus and train services where I live, oh and a tram service.

It was only useful in that I could commute longer distances and as I was doing supply it was useful.

YANBU. People are really weird about non-drivers and it grates. I have a corporate job in the city that I commute to by train and I have chosen a house in a suburban location with exceptionally good public transport links. My non-driving literally affects no-one.
I think people often get twitchy about me being a non-driver, especially mum friends, because they think I'm going to want lifts everywhere. But I don't! Really! I've never stepped into a car with them and I probably wouldn't unless it was a dire emergency and I was dying at the side of the road and they offered to drive me to a&e. Otherwise I get around just fine on public transport, walking, Uber, Gett etc.
As for why I don't drive...I sort of missed the "window" in my late teens as parents wanted me to focus on studies instead and then I went to a uni in a town where having a car is heavily discouraged. Then I lived in cities overseas for much of my 20s for career opportunities in counties where some of the driving is frankly terrifying and you can get by with taxi/auto rickshaw etc.
But the REAL problem is that I'm probably dyspraxic. Never diagnosed as a kid but struggled with motor skills most of my life, very poor depth perception and spatial awareness and I can barely ride a bike. I actually don't think driving is for everyone and that the roads are safer if certain people (ie me) aren't on them.
Look, I pay my taxes, I try to be a good neighbour/mum/wife/friend/daughter etc, contribute to society as best I can I have other good qualities and redeeming features but there is a good chance I will never drive. But a fairly high proportion of people are shitty about the fact I don't drive and they do treat me differently for it.

I don't ask people for lifts, so I'm not one of those CF's. Plus it's the assumption people make that everyone can afford it when they are young, not everyone is privileged that way plus the health issues....I do have reasons, but it's just not quick and easy to explain. I may still learn to drive as it's never too late, I just feel a bit old now, and think I'd feel silly in a learner driver car at my age....however I feel embarrassed when people know I don't drive....so at least if I do go back to learning, eventually I will drive so that would put a stop to it....I think health issues and all of the fatigue/brain fog I get and also severe panic attacks, I just worry I would do something stupid if I had a panic attack while driving. I think I have this thing in my head that driving is dangerous...and maybe that's the main reason I don't, so anxiety mainly.....but people judge as though you must be lazy and thick, they never think it could be anxiety related....also some people have things where they can't such as epilepsy.

Same, though I do always struggle to get my head around non drivers as, personally, I'd hate to not just be able to go wherever I want whenever I want due to the ability to drive.

I don't drive. I would literally be a danger on the roads, I can barely be a passenger in a car. Doesn't matter any way was we chose to live in a place with good transport links, we couldn't afford a second car and dh prefers to drive than be a passenger. Works for us.

I hate how people look down on those who can’t drive, as if they’re somehow inferior, or not full members of society. I’m sure there are people who, try as they might, can’t master swimming, or riding a bicycle. Driving a motor vehicle is a heck of lot more complicated than those. I know someone who failed her test 6 times before giving up. She desperately wanted to drive, and had endless lessons and practice sessions, but she just didn’t have, and couldn’t develop, an aptitude for it.

I have a corporate job in the city that I commute to by train and I have chosen a house in a suburban location with exceptionally good public transport links. My non-driving literally affects no-one.

Same here. I think as well, due to various things I sort of missed the window as well, so yeh a variety of reasons, financial issues (in the past), missed the window, health issues, commuting to work/working from home, but nothing to do with being lazy or entitled and no issues with picking it up when I did learn (although my reverse around a corner leaves a lot to be desired and I do panic a bit at busy roundabouts), my anxiety affects my life in every way possible though.

And you never know true love until you have children - except some people should never have children the same way some people shouldn't be on the road or hold top jobs running countries.

Some people have self awareness about their capabilities and that should be good enough.

I don’t drive.

My hands and feet don’t appear to operate at the same time. I can’t even walk and text.

I have tried, but the skill is not forthcoming.

It’s a privilege not to be able to drive. It means you happen to live somewhere that you have access to viable public transportation.

I think the number of folk who do this has unfortunately contributed to the comments you've been getting, OP. If you don't ask for lifts then this is completely unjustified, and you'd be quite right to say 'why is that your business?' 'that's personal so I'm not going to explain' or similar.

I voted YABU because I think you are unreasonable to care what other people think. As long as you not driving doesn't inconvenience other people and you manage with public transport, it really is no one's concern but yours.

Having said that, I would find not driving to be somewhat limiting. You can never hire a car on holiday for example.

Op, I know it's easy for me to say this, but I I promise I don't mean it to sound abrupt....All those paragraphs you wrote, to explain why you don't drive.

Well. Stop all that, and just narrow it down to one solid belief. That you do not have to explain and you do not have to apologise. No one needs to know why, and if they are rude enough to push for a reason, be "rude" enough to tell them it's your business and yours alone. Don't be made to feel small by dickheads who have no idea of the curve balls that life can throw at us. Your life, your choice.

If someone can go 40 odd years not driving then it’s not really an important life skill to them, when they get by just fine

I think it’s a privilege thing. It’s often a luxury that people can’t afford. Wealthy people don’t understand that, they think that it’s a right that parents pay for driving lessons and buy a car/insurance.

It’s not an important life skill if you live in an urban area, it’s a ‘nice to have’. I drive but I know loads of people who can’t, and similarly loads that can but can’t afford a car. They get about easily on public transport. I have a car but I can’t drive far due to joint problems. If I need to go any distance I get the train.

Some people make me laugh.

In one breath they moan about bad drivers and in another they'll say they firmly believe everyone should learn to drive!

Not everyone is cut out for it and I'm glad they have the common sense to stay off the roads, if that's the case.

You didn’t need to explain to us why you don’t drive, do you do that in real life and maybe it attracts questions or further commentary?

I know four people in my close acquaintance who don’t drive:

• One lives in a city and doesn’t need to drive
• One has epilepsy and is banned from driving
• Two never learnt - one has a husband who drives and the other takes public transport everywhere.

I have never commented to any of them about their (in)ability to drive as if they ask for a lift, it’s a reasonable request, they offer petrol money and they fit in with my plans, rather than vice versa. As other posters have said, it’s when people can’t see the past the end of their own nose and treat you like their own personal taxi service with no recompense or gratitude that it rankles.

My partner doesn’t drive, it doesn’t bother me, I like driving. I sometimes wonder how we’d manage if something happened and I couldn’t drive or I had illness. We don’t have great public transport. But it’s fine, as I say, I like to drive.