To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

[Ceriane]

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

Drivers ed class in high school is one thing the US gets right. Everyone who can gets an opportunity to learn how for free. Then their parents take them for driving practice or get them further lessons and they're up and driving and get their licenses.

There are a few cities with reliable public transport where someone doesn't have to drive here but for the most part, it's essential to getting around.

Can I ask though, in the UK, can you ONLY learn with an instructor, for every lesson? I keep seeing the 'its SO expensive for lessons' on similar threads.
Once you've had a few lessons with an instructor, can't you go with a qualified driver with L plates on for further practice in the UK?

Yes, you can and many people do. But people pick up bad habits. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad drivers, but it also doesn’t make them the right person to get you to test level. You need to learn how to pass the test as much as how to actually drive.

(Plus, if you hate your driving instructor you can fire them and never clap eyes on them again. It’s much harder to fire a partner or parent 😄)

I don't drive either op, I'm ND have bad anxiety and don't think I would make a good driver. im 38 live in a town with good access to public transport so I get around just fine I either bus it or use my legs. it's frustrating when people make incorrect assumptions or questions why you don't drive. I've learned over the years not to let it get to me so much and several of the culprits including my own dad (not close, complicated history ) have given up asking me.

@BlueCleaningCloth It's not because I've never bothered, I tried in my teens, twenties and thirties and now at 41 I'm thinking about whether I should now being as it's been so long. I'm not selfish or lazy....I have had debilitating health issues that have made me consider whether it's even the right thing for me to drive....that's responsible. I probably would go back to driving if I ever needed to and if I felt able to...it's not about not being bothered or being selfish at all. I don't ask people for lifts, it doesn't affect anyone else's life ever.

Drivers ed class in high school is one thing the US gets right. Everyone who can gets an opportunity to learn how for free.

I do agree with this, even as a non-driver. I probably still wouldn’t have a licence, but I’d have found out I was shit at driving for free!

I don’t drive, I have a health condition that would make me a danger to be on the road. I have a friend who I am currently distancing myself from, who knows this, but her answer to everything is “what about driving lessons” 🙄

Even if you can get around via public transport okay right now, that doesn't mean you'll always be able to.

Yet buses, trains etc. have wheelchair spaces; you can book assistance at train and coach stations… if you’re reliant on a car and develop mobility or sight issues in later life, no one can help you drive.

I hated learning to drive and was useless. Took 4 years on and off. Worked evenings on top of a full-time job to pay for lessons. Eventually passed 4th time. I have had many sleepless nights worrying about whether my car would pass its MOT, how I'd pay my insurance etc. However, I didn't give up. That's what I hate about non drivers who just couldn't do it. It's a bit flakey tbh. However. Providing you never ask for a lift I don't judge non drivers.

Another one here agreeing with others that I only judge/get irritated with people who don’t drive but ask for lifts all the time.

I have a friend who doesn’t drive. Tells everyone she doesn’t need to. She’s “MORE than happy to ALWAYS get picnic transport” in fact she thinks it’s “SO MUCH BETTER for the environment that she doesn’t drive.” She lives within walking distance of 2 tube lines and multiple buses.
Yet she asks for lifts all the time. All. The. Time. Can I take her to work because there’s a tube strike. Could I drop her son to football because it’s pissing down. Could I take her to pick up her son’s special birthday cake as she can’t carry it in the bus. Can I come and pick up a load of bags for the charity shop. Can I drop her to the airport as she can’t manage all the bags plus her son. Can I drop her home after a friends wedding because she’s hung over and can’t face the train.
Honestly, she’s always saying how she’s perfectly happy on public transport. I can guarantee if she was on here she’d be one of the people saying they don’t NEED to drive they are perfectly happy on trains and buses! But the reality is very different.

I think in today’s society you can get your shopping delivered, you can get Ubers or Public transport if you plan carefully so it’s not life curtailing. Lots of benefits to people making less car journeys too, you could tell your questioners you are doing your bit for the planet. Or tell them to bugger off. I wouldn’t judge you op and I doubt it would cross my mind to ask about your driving status.

If everybody drove then the road would be overwhelmed with traffic congestion and dangerous levels of carbon emissions.

Also, what about people who can't due to disabilities?

Exactly this. As long as you live somewhere where public transport is easily accessible and you rarely ask for lifts anywhere it’s fine. And if living in a busy city there’s often no need to drive/own a car. I live in Cornwall and I’d be extremely restricted without driving.

Hey I am in the same position as you. I don’t drive and just turned 40, similar issues to you such as financial restraints, caring for family etc but I am still in the mind set to learn. It’s never too late so don’t give up. I really do understand and know where you are coming from when people make comments and judge for not be able to drive. I don’t ask for lifts but use public transport to get to A & B, also for work. People will always have something to say. Hope we can both learn to drive one day.

There is a fair percentage of people in cars behind steering wheels who can't drive OP so you are infinitely more self accepting than they are!

As others have said, if you have access to public transport and are not a cf asking for lifts, then there’s no reason to feel bad about it.

I live in NE Scotland . Buses are few and far between and no trains to my area. So I drive. As do most people where I live. The ones who don’t tend to be elderly or infirm in some way. I dread that day.

So my default unless you live in a large city is that most people drive and have access to a car, I don't judge those who don't however I do get annoyed when they expect things to be arranged for them, e.g. booking medical appointments if you are unable to travel there by public transport you pay for a taxi not complain there is nothing on your doorstop and yes I have had clients like this. If you tell me you can't drive so can only use public transport I will find a suitable appointment however you will be waiting a longer time than if you could get to places easier

Also I know adults that don't drive due to epilepsy so honestly if people don't have the foresight to think of logical reasons I wouldn't waste my time worrying about them

As someone who is prohibited from driving for medical reasons, I would say that driving is the privilege.

I don’t drive. It’s no-one’s business why, and if challenged, I am just vague and non commital. People really can’t get at you if you don’t let them. It sounds as though you feel you have to justify yourself to other people. Really you don’t.

I can drive, and did for about 25 years, but gave up my car about 2 years ago. I never liked driving, was anxious about driving and parking, especially in new places.

I can get around very happily by walking, and catching buses and trains.

One weird thing I've noticed though is that people seem to think I need a lift when I don't. I've had colleagues apologise for not being able to take me home when I have never asked them to and don't want them to! I'm very happy sitting on the bus listening to podcasts or audiobooks, and I don't like feeling dependent or beholden to people. I just say that I'm fine and quite happy, enjoy the walk, the quiet time etc, but I'm not sure they believe me!

I just don't think some people can understand anyone having a different life to them (see also, being childfree by choice).

I don't want to minimise anyone else's experiences but I am genuinely gobsmacked that so many of you know people who are CFs about lifts.

Asking a mate with a car to pick up a birthday cake is wild or expecting a spouse to ferry you everywhere... as I said upthread, I'm a non-driver and I would be absolutely mortified to treat a friend with a car like a skivvy! As would my friends who also don't have cars/don't drive. Just wouldn't happen. You'd be told to get in the sea.

I feel like people asking for lifts are like the bogeywomen of Mumsnet!!

I don't/ can't drive. I've never wanted to learn, the idea terrifies me. I've never been able to afford it either, and am really uncoordinated, probably dispraxic.

I also don't need to drive. I can get most things delivered if needed. I can get from my house to a big supermarket in 13 mins door to door. There's a small Tesco, co-op and corner shop less than 5 mins away. Post Office is at the end of my road. Train station is about 20 min walk, as is town centre. I also live on the main bus route for my town, with buses that go to the other side of town every 7 minutes. Hospital is a 15 min walk.

I very rarely ask anyone for a lift. The most annoying part about me not driving is that I also don't drink, so I can never be designated driver for a wedding/ night out.

@AlphaRadiationIsHeliumNuclei I'm the same....I love sitting on the bus with my earphones in, just thinking my own thoughts or just reading on the way home or whatever, being able to just switch off....which I wouldn't be able to do if I was driving....and I've had people offer me lifts, which I normally decline because when I've accepted, they're straight into "why didn't you learn to drive when you were younger?"

@Olinguita I would also be mortified to behave like the CF's people have mentioned, and I think this is why I feel ashamed of not driving, in case people think I'm like that.

I’m almost 50 and have never learned to drive. I lived and worked in London all my life so just used public transport. I’ve also travelled a lot and get about very easily on public transport wherever I go.

I do find people judge me though. Friends will often ask me about my lack of driving, “do you think you will ever learn” is a common question from friends outside of London especially. Often followed by “it’s a life skill”. These days, as friends’ children reach 18 and get a licence a friend will often point out to me that even their child has learned to drive “before me”, as though it’s a competition.

Maybe I will learn one day, maybe not. There’s lots of other skills I haven’t learned in life that no one ever asks me about, so I find it really weird that people ask me about this one thing.

The reason it gets people’s backs up is because those who have chosen to learn usually end up picking up the slack for those who won’t. It’s not just about giving non-drivers a lift but the fact they can’t do their fair share of say, looking after elderly parents, without a car.

I managed the bike, eventually, but never got the hang of swimming. So 1 out of 3 for me.